I lost it

[marbleloser]

 Yesterday I was at a party.All of us drinking and having a good time.Instead of driving,I went to sleep it off until I felt safe enough to drive.I get up and my cell phone's missing.Long story short,a guy at the party took it with him.He said he thought we might meet up later in the night and he was going to give it back to me.The reason he brought it back is because everyone let him know how mad I was.I laid into that poor guy until he was profusely apologizing.He got all of the divorce related stress put on him.He's not the best of people.He's crossed the line with quite a few,but I still felt bad this morning.I didn't feel bad for letting him know that things like that won't be tolerated,but because I know that it was mostly the stress from yesterday that made me go a bit overboard.

I have a problem now giving people the benefit of the doubt.I did that in the past and it brought nothing but problems.I don't want this to get in the way of things that are legitimately misunderstandings though.Something new to work on.

[marbleloser]

Over and done with it.Although I may have been a bit overboard,the phone is my means of contact to the kiddos when they're with their mom.Missing because it was taken,for a few hours,I had a good reason to be mad.I guarantee it won't get taken again. 

It's a new day.I'm hanging out with friends this afternoon.God love em.They put up with alot of my crap.

[arabella]

I'm glad to hear you're feeling at peace with yourself about this now. I often get 'stuck' going over everything I should have done differently/better/faster/whatever.

Actually, what I mostly wanted to ask was - how did you get to the stage you're at now where you can give someone who's crossed the line a piece of your mind? You said you used to give people the benefit of the doubt but don't anymore. Because, honestly, sometimes I want to 'lose it' on people, and they totally deserve it, but I just can't seem to say anything. I'm stuck internalizing all of my stress and anger (probably conditioned due to having to do that when dealing with my BPDh and my FOO).

[Rubies]

Perhaps you didn't lose it, possibly you found it?  This is my boundary, it will be strictly enforced.

I recently began surprising myself how aggressively I enforce the boundaries on our No BS Zone, even to the point where we were joking maybe I'm the biggest A-hole in the region.  I am done being treated badly, it is no longer tolerated.  Turns out honestly and bluntly speaking my mind on where I stand earns respect and better relationships.  Even those who initially react badly will show respect.  Some will come back and apologize, some will avoid.  That works too.

The best part is it keeps my life clear of BS making room for healthy, positive energies with people who don't bust boundaries.

[marbleloser]

"I often get 'stuck' going over everything I should have done differently/better/faster/whatever. "

This is usually my problem too arabella.Overthinking.I've learned to just let it go and say "f it". 

I've also found that people don't harbor any ill feelings for long.I harbored them much longer than anyone else ever did,towards myself.

Speak your mind,give em hell,and let the chips fall where they may.I was at a party yesterday with some of the same people there.They were all laughing at how the guy was too scared to show up.

Then I found out that he made some very inappropriate comments to some pre teen girls(we're all 30

s to 40's).He has a history of pissing people off.He needed to be taken down a notch or two.

I'm a little intimidating to some,so I have to make a concious effort to be nice.Once I break the ice,I play well with others.

[marbleloser]

Exactly Rubies! Once people see you enforce boundaries,they learn that there's a line they don't need to cross.

[Rubies]

Many of us recovering from BPD relationships were never allowed to set boundaries or ever had them respected before.  To step up and enforce them is unfamiliar territory so of course we're going to second guess ourselves and wonder if we're "bad" for doing so.

Someone took your phone.  That is stealing.   

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us.  I am done "allowing" people to take, to treat me like a doormat, or be the dumping ground for their emo BS.   Those people can go whine and dump on someone else and call me names behind my back.  I don't care.  There is a wonderful world full of positive people who don't put up with that crap and I am joining them.

Meanwhile there will always be those who test our boundaries.  We have the responsibility to show them where they are, preferably before we get to flashpoint.   Don't bottle it.

[simplesimon]

Someone took your phone.  That is stealing.   

Exactly!

No matter what the reason this person crossed a boundry and violated your trust.  I would also let them know that.  I don't think you overreacted I think that it was justified.