That "dead" look in the eyes

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Slightly random topic I suppose, but I've seen it written about before.

I recently found an old memory stick and checked to see what it had on it.

It was a bunch of photos of me and my ex-girl.

On the plus side, I didn't feel much looking at them. It was like looking at a stranger.

But the interesting thing is that I remember her laughing lots, being spontaneous etc.

Yet when looking at the "posed" photos (the ones where you are waiting, smiling, for somebody to take that pic), her eyes, particularly the right one, look completely dead.  Nothing there. No emotion, even though her mouth is smiling.  It's quite chilling.

It has helped me to accept that she had problems even when she was with me, that I never saw.  That in itself was freeing, in a way.

I wondered if anyone else has noticed this about their ex?  And does anyone know why this is?  I have it in my head that her right eye (particularly) is controlled by the left side of her brain.  And thus it could possibly be something neurological.

Anyway - just an interesting thought. I'd love to know if it's a common trait or not? x

[mango_flower]

Slightly random topic I suppose, but I've seen it written about before.

I recently found an old memory stick and checked to see what it had on it.

It was a bunch of photos of me and my ex-girl.

On the plus side, I didn't feel much looking at them. It was like looking at a stranger.

But the interesting thing is that I remember her laughing lots, being spontaneous etc.

Yet when looking at the "posed" photos (the ones where you are waiting, smiling, for somebody to take that pic), her eyes, particularly the right one, look completely dead.  Nothing there. No emotion, even though her mouth is smiling.  It's quite chilling.

It has helped me to accept that she had problems even when she was with me, that I never saw.  That in itself was freeing, in a way.

I wondered if anyone else has noticed this about their ex?  And does anyone know why this is?  I have it in my head that her right eye (particularly) is controlled by the left side of her brain.  And thus it could possibly be something neurological.

Anyway - just an interesting thought. I'd love to know if it's a common trait or not? x

[Rocknut]

Absolutely!

My ex boyfriend with BPD is a Hispanic man. He has these big, deep brown eyes. At the beginning of our relationship his eyes, appearance was quite normal. However, I noticed a change in a picture I took January 9th. His eyes were huge, soulless, very eery and black. We had our first huge arguement 3 days before that. Ad our relationship progressed and he got " sicker", his eyes grew to be the size of quarters and completely blank.

[Murbay]

I really don't know the answer to this but it is a very interesting point to make.

I used to say to my T that when my exBPDw went into this phase where she something was different about her. She looked and sounded different but it was very difficult to explain why. This wasn't a difference between someone being happy or being angry, there was something else. It was if you could see in advance that something was coming and that is when I used to take a step back and withdraw. We did talk about this and apart from being annoyed at first, she used to call it "mommy mode" but it was something else I can't explain.

As for the vacant look, it is something I'm guilty of too at times. I have always put mine down to the Aspergers in one aspect and also being ex military serving in combat zones, some develop what is known as the 1000 yard stare. Mine usually happens if I'm deep in thought and never lasts very long.

Regardless though, it is seen as a sign of disassociation. Maybe that's why I picked up on it so quickly with my ex.

[confetti]

You know what's funny ~ this is very common on the NPD forums. It's a very good observation, crystalclear!

I am diagnosed NPD, and while it's probably a little dehumanizing to call it a dead fish stare or reptilian eye it's agreed to be found in both BPD and NPD ranges, the popular answers always turn out to be "flashes of anger";

I personally think a lot of us remember our exes under certain lighting.

Still interesting ~ !

[Siamese Rescue]

His eyes would turn black and large and they were like two pools of death. I was so surprised to see this title because I thought it was something only I noticed and thought I was being paranoid or that it was my imagination... . His eyes were completely hollow, lifeless and I felt like he was not in there, but rather someone else... . It was the weirdest thing ever.

[Bananas]

My ex had very "haunting" eyes in photographs.  In photographs, his Mom had the same eyes, exactly.  I never met her.  Very, very sad as she took her own life a few years before I met him.   :'(

[Healing4Ever]

My uBPD-Mom and my uBPDex both had eyes that would turn grey and steely when they were angry and raging and dissociated.  It was very scary growing up.  And disheartening to say the least when my ex's eyes changed like this.  I knew it meant all was lost for the time being.  That didn't always mean that I responded appropriately though

[Buzz77]

My ex would stare at me, scary creepy at times, for long periods (we're talking at least over three minutes). I would ask her what she was thinking; she would say that she loved me... . but it felt like it was anything but love... .

also, when she got sleepy and I held her, her voice would be sweeter, vulnerable, almost like a child's at times... .   It was like she was a different personality when she was sleepy and held in my arms... .

This was also when she was most affectionate and loving towards me... .    

[jhkbuzz]

When I first read this thread I could kinda relate... .I look back at old pix of my exBPDgf and her eyes sometimes look empty... .but two days ago she posted a FB profile pic that actually gave me the creeps... .she has utterly dead eyes.  It actually shocked me.  I don't take any satisfaction from it, it doesn't make me want to go "rescue" her... .I'm just stunned by it.  If you subscribe at all to Jeffrey Young's schemas, I would imagine that it's the face of the "punitive parent." It's very, very, very sad. Thank god my "FOG" has largely lifted... .especially the "obligation" piece.  No human being can save another... .and the feeling that I have to "save" her has largely dissipated. It's a good thing, because a few months ago this picture would have put me in a tailspin.

[Hawk Ridge]

My ex had those eyes when she was dysregulating at the end.  Confusing for me: she worked through the whole time and then became involved with my replacement.  Were those eyes only for her object of contempt, me, or did they generalize to the other areas - ie., my replacement and her work?

[BorisAcusio]

You know what's funny ~ this is very common on the NPD forums. It's a very good observation, crystalclear!

I am diagnosed NPD, and while it's probably a little dehumanizing to call it a dead fish stare or reptilian eye it's agreed to be found in both BPD and NPD ranges, the popular answers always turn out to be "flashes of anger";

I personally think a lot of us remember our exes under certain lighting.

Still interesting ~ !

Interesting. As a possible vulnerable narcissist, the way I stare was always considered strange, some even labeled it "fish stare" during I was experiencing narcissistic withdrawal. My BPDex had very strange eyes, too. I would never call it blank or reptilian, but certainly off.

[Infern0]

They can switch "character" so fast too.

Mine had this mass argument with her dad over the phone,  screaming and shouting and he called her a b___ and hung up.

She spent the next half hour sobbing in a ball on the floor while I'm all like "it's not that bad dad's can be asss"

After a while she just bounced up,  put her hair back in place and posted a selfie on instagram with this big smile on her face.

But the eyes were dead as a cold fish

[going places]

Slightly random topic I suppose, but I've seen it written about before.

I recently found an old memory stick and checked to see what it had on it.

It was a bunch of photos of me and my ex-girl.

On the plus side, I didn't feel much looking at them. It was like looking at a stranger.

But the interesting thing is that I remember her laughing lots, being spontaneous etc.

Yet when looking at the "posed" photos (the ones where you are waiting, smiling, for somebody to take that pic), her eyes, particularly the right one, look completely dead.  Nothing there. No emotion, even though her mouth is smiling.  It's quite chilling.

It has helped me to accept that she had problems even when she was with me, that I never saw.  That in itself was freeing, in a way.

I wondered if anyone else has noticed this about their ex?  And does anyone know why this is?  I have it in my head that her right eye (particularly) is controlled by the left side of her brain.  And thus it could possibly be something neurological.Anyway - just an interesting thought. I'd love to know if it's a common trait or not? x

I have been told by SEVERAL people; People who have never met my ex in person, who do not know the 'story' behind our marriage / divorce... .

Some have said 'his eyes look dead" or "he looks like he has no soul" or "dude, that's just creepy" or "he looks like a pedophile" or "he has beady creepy eyes"... .but all of them say something about his eyes.

The eyes are the windows to the soul... .

Someone must of left the window open and his soul blew away in the wind.

www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/ s-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter

((very good slide presentation))

[bruceli]

Slightly random topic I suppose, but I've seen it written about before.

I recently found an old memory stick and checked to see what it had on it.

It was a bunch of photos of me and my ex-girl.

On the plus side, I didn't feel much looking at them. It was like looking at a stranger.

But the interesting thing is that I remember her laughing lots, being spontaneous etc.

Yet when looking at the "posed" photos (the ones where you are waiting, smiling, for somebody to take that pic), her eyes, particularly the right one, look completely dead.  Nothing there. No emotion, even though her mouth is smiling.  It's quite chilling.

It has helped me to accept that she had problems even when she was with me, that I never saw.  That in itself was freeing, in a way.

I wondered if anyone else has noticed this about their ex?  And does anyone know why this is?  I have it in my head that her right eye (particularly) is controlled by the left side of her brain.  And thus it could possibly be something neurological.Anyway - just an interesting thought. I'd love to know if it's a common trait or not? x

I have been told by SEVERAL people; People who have never met my ex in person, who do not know the 'story' behind our marriage / divorce... .

Some have said 'his eyes look dead" or "he looks like he has no soul" or "dude, that's just creepy" or "he looks like a pedophile" or "he has beady creepy eyes"... .but all of them say something about his eyes.

The eyes are the windows to the soul... .

Someone must of left the window open and his soul blew away in the wind.

www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/ s-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter

((very good slide presentation))

I have always referred to this as "crazy eyes", especially when they are dysregulated or disassociated.

[finallyfreedom]

I know that look!

Oddly enough I've noticed a difference between the "look" of someone who was conscious, aware and in treatment for their personality disorder, and someone who is completely unaware they have problems.

I guess I've seen multiple shades of crazy now. 

[rollercoaster24]

Yea, know that look so well.

Ex's eyes would narrow, and go black, that's when I knew I was really in trouble.

Ironically, during moments of conflict with him he would project and say my eyes looked different and that I looked crazy, psycho, how unflattering it was to see me angry and looking so weird etc or 'what a turn off' it was and so on.

I used to think it was the Pot calling the Kettle black really! 

But um yea, I guess I would look stressed out if I had some crazy ass guy in my home threatening to burn it down, murder me, run off with another woman, ruin my job, ruin my life, destroy me etc, all at the same time refusing to leave the house and return when he had calmed down, and preventing me from leaving also!

I guess I'm lucky that I didn't end up like Reeva Steinkamp, dead in my own toilet or home. I don't care that he got found Not Guilty, to me he is as guilty as sin, and he will pay eventually. Karma is a b___.

As for my ex, he has managed to pass on a message to me through his Sister inlaw, to hurt me once again.

Apparently, he is now working, doing really well for himself, and in a new relationship with 'his match'. She is a Psychiatrist and is 'keeping him in line'.

Pffft yea right, he is probably locked in a Mental Institution, and is being treated by a Female Psychiatrist... .

[misty_red]

My exBPDgf has that look, too. But I have it as well. I'm not BPD but an asperger. I think the look/stare means that they are dissociating/thinking about something/being in another reality. At least that's when I do have that look. To me it also seemed that when my exBPDgf had the look she was actually miles away mentally.

I also have that look when observing other people and their behaviour. It's when I take a step back to try to recognize what everyone is about, to be able to then communicate/socialize with them. I don't know if it's the same for a BPD but I think it can be.

When I was in another relationship some time ago my then girlfriend told me the look in my eyes/my mimics didn't support the words I was saying (it actually creeped me out because even though my eyes did not support what I was saying I really meant it). I experienced this with my exBPDgf as well. She said something but her eyes looked weird.

But in the end I guess it really is about dissociating.

[Jonie]

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