is it sad I want her to contact me

[heyhey]

Its been two months since my ex an I split up. Im am  coming along pretty good, but I still think about her often. I still have the occasional dream, ive never dreamt about an ex like I have with her.  I guess its just all the emotions that were stirred up during and after our relationship. 

Anyway, I still long for her to reach out to me one last time. I have absolutely no intentions of getting back together and I know when they contact us its not a compliment, but I still feel that if she reached out to me it would give me some sort of [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url].

One of the things that has helped me through this whole mess is the thought that she might contact me. I guess I'm just still waiting for it to happen. I see so many recycle attempts by BPD's on here I feel left out. It sounds sad but I feel that one last contact from her would help me move on. I honestly think that.  These relationships can cut a person down, ive dealt with some physical pain in my life and would rather relive that than the pain caused by my ex.  And mine wasn't even that bad . Guess I'm just a softy.

[mango_flower]

This is not a bad place to be You're doing well!  The fact you know logically you'd never take her back is good.

It's normal to want to feel like you meant something.  I still wish I knew that.

However, what I will tell you is that at the 2 month mark, I was exactly the same as you. My heart would leap when I saw her name in my inbox.  At 6.5 months, I now feel sick and anxious even checking my email, in case there is more vitriole from her. 

You're exactly where you need to be right now x

[heyhey]

Thanks mango, I do feel like I'm doing pretty good.  Im still going to hope for contact as it has helped my healing process.

[leftbehind]

Hi Matt81, I'm just at the 2 and a half month mark, and up till fairly recently I was really hoping to hear from my ex, even though I knew I could never trust him again to take him back.  This weekend I'm really committing to letting him go, and part of that is letting go of the desire to hear from him.  Even though it might be validating (make me feel that at least I meant something), the way I've been waiting around for it, like my happiness depended on it, was leaving me feeling powerless. 

Just want to say I know where you're at

[heyhey]

Thanks leftbehind. I would never wish this type of heartache on anyone, but it is nice to hear from others who are experiencing the same emotions.

[Sango216]

Hi Matt81!

I am in the same place as you.  I haven't spoken to me ex since the beginning of April.  I was the one who ended it (I was always teh one who ended it).  I told him that I appreciate him checking in on me the last time we broke up, but because I knew he'd never change, I didn't need him to do that this time.  That's when he told me that I deserve to suffer for crushing his heart and he hopes it eats me up inside.  I find myself wishing I hadn't asked him to stay away.  I want to hear from him... . anything.  I'd be happy to see a blank message from him at this point. 

I know I couldn't take him back.  Too much has been said and done, and it looks like he has moved on.  We'll get through this though.  I think what we yearn for along with validation is closure.  However, we can find closure within ourselves.  I heard a quote the other day that went like this:  Life is much easier when we learn to accept the apologies we never received.  I was thinking about writing an apology letter from him to me.  That way, I'll feel like I got closure, and hopefully I can find some inner peace within myself and forgive him for everything he has done.  That probably sounds crazy, huh?

[Bach Cantatas]

I am in a very similar "place" to you. The time frame is the same also. I sometimes find myself wanting to receive some form of acknowledgement that would lead to a closure of sorts, which she denied me, and then I read here of so many difficulties that can arise when contact is attempted by the BPD sufferer. I then try and concentrate on trying to find closure through educating myself as to the condition and the fact that NC has helped me to move forwards so much. Perhaps we should be grateful for the absence of contact despite the longing we feel. Good luck with your recovery. 

[bewildered2]

don't expect closure with a borderline.

and take the lack of closure as a sure sign that the person has serious difficulties, and regard it as the last piece of abuse that you will have to suffer at their hands.

the hard times will pass. it just takes time.

and be ready for her to contact you... . just in case... . the question is... . are you ready to deal with it if it comes?

these types are very very good at giving people like us every reason to believe that next time it will be different... . that they have learned from the past... . when the reality is that they haven't... . and because of their disorder... . they cant.

b2

[marbleloser]

matt,One of the reasons we want validation from them is low-self esteem.Notice the "self" in that word.One of the first steps is to recognize your own self worth.When you do,I promise you won't care if she doesn't contact you.You'll actually be glad that she doesn't.

Another reason is out of genuine caring.Caring about someone elses needs before our own.Take the time to care about yourself first for a change.Do things you want to do.Go places you want to go.There's nothing wrong with a little self care right now.

[benny2]

Yes I wish mine had left me alone. When I moved out last summer, I really think I was ready to put the past behind and move on. He begged me for another chance, said things would be different, (this was before I learned of BPD) and I believed him. Now I know he can't change. Even though I feel he really wants to, his disorder will not allow him to. I know I am not completely throwing in the towel because for some reason I cannot block his number. Every text I get I am disapointed when its not him. Why can't I completely turn away. I just don't know. Maybe time will get me to that point if he remains gone long enough for that to happen. I am so glad to be able to communicate with people who understand, because my friends and family just don't get it.

[Mr Bean]

I am in the same boat. I still expect my ex to contact me though its impossible since she just got married yesterday. I met my aunty today and she told me she got invited to a small celebration for her marriage last night. I still dont get it, its just been 3 months (also nc), how could she move on quickly and forgot about me easily. I felt better before till today, til i heard she just got married. So our relationship for 3.5 years didnt mean anything at all? That BPD, i hate it. Life would be perfect without BPD i reckon

[heyhey]

Thanks to all for your replies. This forum has been a life saver.  Its amazing how similar our stories are. That just shows that it was definitely the BPD and not us. I do have self esteem issues, mainly because of my bdd. On good days I dont miss her that much, but on bad days I always torture myself with thoughts of her. I know I will heal in time, sometimes I feel pathetic letting her memory get to me like this.  Thanks again to everyone here I wish you all the best.

[Mr Bean]

Matt, its normal you still miss her cos we all gave a piece of our heart to them. I still miss my ex as well. Now am in her country too of course all memories flashing back to me. I also feel pathetic that i still miss her while she doesnt care about me and got married easily. Believe me, with time, it will all heal us

[ColoradoLady]

Yes I wish mine had left me alone. When I moved out last summer, I really think I was ready to put the past behind and move on. He begged me for another chance, said things would be different, (this was before I learned of BPD) and I believed him. Now I know he can't change. Even though I feel he really wants to, his disorder will not allow him to. I know I am not completely throwing in the towel because for some reason I cannot block his number. Every text I get I am disapointed when its not him. Why can't I completely turn away. I just don't know. Maybe time will get me to that point if he remains gone long enough for that to happen. I am so glad to be able to communicate with people who understand, because my friends and family just don't get it.

Hi Benny2,

Your post really spoke to me and it describes where I'm at.  I know I can't go back with my EX, even though he's trying so hard to improve himself and is still seeing the counselor we were going to prior to the breakup. 

However, I can't say that I don't hold out hope that down the road my EX will be "better" and we'll be able to resume our relationship.  I also want to hear from him... . and then I don't.  Ugh, I so wish I could just quit caring and not continue to hope for the healthy relationship with him that isn't possible.  I truly want to move on with my life, but feel like I'm stuck. 

[Tordesillas]

While I still have that urge to hear from my ex or contact her, what helps keep me strong is a desire to be different.  I don't want to be just another one of the many guys who got sucked into her cycle and couldn't stand strong for themselves.  I don't want to be another name on a list that she looks over when she needs some easy validation.  I want her to look back in a moment of clarity and remember me as the guy who asserted his self respect.  The guy who was strong.  

[leftbehind]

I don't want to be another name on a list that she looks over when she needs some easy validation.  I want her to look back in a moment of clarity and remember me as the guy who asserted his self respect.  The guy who was strong. 

Brilliantly said, Tordesillas.

[heyhey]

While I still have that urge to hear from my ex or contact her, what helps keep me strong is a desire to be different.  I don't want to be just another one of the many guys who got sucked into her cycle and couldn't stand strong for themselves.  I don't want to be another name on a list that she looks over when she needs some easy validation.  I want her to look back in a moment of clarity and remember me as the guy who asserted his self respect.  The guy who was strong.  

Agreed!

[flynavy]

Tordesillas... . Well said... . I want to take it the next step... . I can't wait for the moment it just doesn't matter what she thinks about me/wants/who she's with and where I stand in all that mess in her minds eye... . because it REALLY doesn't matter... . the emotional programming BPD/NPD individuals are capable of does still astound me!  To be treated so terribly for so long and yet long to have them contact us still blows my mind... . yeah... . I'm in the same boat!  Not easy... . but I have help from my deceased wife... . she continues to be a source of strength and guidance for me!

[bondafc]

I am looking forward to the day when I wake-up not thinking about her.

I am looking forward to suddenly realizing that a week or more has passed since I last thought about her... .

I look forward to:

Not replaying all the possible scenarios for different out-comes.

Not having imaginary conversations with her.

Not tormenting myself with woulda/shoulda/coulda... .

I'm absolutely certain she hasn't given me a second thought since... . so why am I wasting my emotional energy on her?

[Nearlybroken]

bondafc... . you think about her because, like all of us on here, you are a nice person who craved what we all do... . a normal loving relationship.I can honestly tell you that my ex (though our split was recent) has consumed my every waking thought for months now.from trying to make things work, to getting him help, to listening, to ensuring I said all the "right things".In return I was treated terribly and subjected to all manner of crueltyAnd I still think of him all of the time... . wishing things could have been so very different.I think you are wasting your emotional energy on her because you are a caring nice person who did not deserve to be put through the horror of BPD.

[laelle]

When the ruminating gets to me I try to think of other relationships in my life that I thought I could not get "over" and I did.

I remember this one guy, I was so in love with him.  He was handsome and rode a motorcycle.  He loved computer games like I do.  He rocked my world.

except, he talked about this girl he was fascinated with all the time and obsessed about her.  He even moved to her city and built a house there.  she didnt even have a clue how he felt about her.

He got over his obsession and went on to marry and have two gorgeous kids

I got over him and I will get over my ex.