Anniversary

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary, and I am just sad.  I've been separated from my uBPDxH for 2 yrs. and divorced for 2 mos.  I am trying, and all of you have been so wonderful with your advice and experiences, but sometimes I just miss him.  I didn't have nearly as much of the drama that most of you had during the time we were together, but I have had more than I wanted since he left.  I had been with him for my entire adult life, and we had so many fabulous memories.  Now it is like he is a totally different person, but I miss the man I loved... . even if he wasn't real, my love was.  I know that time heals all wounds, and I am much better than I was, but my pain is real too.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[ComoLu]

Today would have been my 34th wedding anniversary, and I am just sad.  I've been separated from my uBPDxH for 2 yrs. and divorced for 2 mos.  I am trying, and all of you have been so wonderful with your advice and experiences, but sometimes I just miss him.  I didn't have nearly as much of the drama that most of you had during the time we were together, but I have had more than I wanted since he left.  I had been with him for my entire adult life, and we had so many fabulous memories.  Now it is like he is a totally different person, but I miss the man I loved... . even if he wasn't real, my love was.  I know that time heals all wounds, and I am much better than I was, but my pain is real too.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Clearmind]

These milestones are tough for a little while Como! We understand.

Its OK to miss him. My ex was also a good person and there are things I miss about him too however when I think of the relationship and how I felt in it I'm very pleased to be free of it.

Can you do something nice for yourself - lunch with a friend?

[Cumulus]

Hi comolu, I hope today is better. The anniversary days come with a lot of memories. I was married 35 years, now separated for 2 and divorced almost 1 year. It's a lot of memories isn't it? There were two things that I thought about as I read your post, the first was you said he is like a totally different person, did you see glimpses of that man during your marriage? I have to say I did, but would ignore my thinking brain telling me there was something wrong and listen to my emotional self who loved and cared and could make anything work.  The other thing I wondered was if some of the sadness isn't just from losing him but from the loss of all the dreams, the grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. I am working hard at making new dreams for myself, things that are totally separate from any we had planned together. And it is work, but for the first time in my life I am working on me.

Happy day after.

[ComoLu]

Clearmind, we actually had a big family birthday party today for 2 of my grandchildren.  This, as are most things, was bittersweet.  My x seemed to relish these gatherings and enjoy playing host.  We had a similar celebration just 2 days before he left for good, but the party today was lovely - 15 family members and tables covered with delicious food, laughter, love.

Cumulus, I did see glimpses, more and more towards the end, but I did rationalize or ignore and tried to work harder to make things better.  You are right.  It all gets mixed together.  I lost my best friend, my dreams, my hopes for the future.  It is all so complicated, and made worse by the fact that I lost both of my parents within weeks of his leaving.  These last 2 yrs. have been amazingly hard for everyone in my family, but we try, and it is getting easier. 

Thank you both for your kindness.

[Clearmind]

Lovely Como - I love big family get togethers. Sounds like you really enjoyed your day - good for you. Onwards and upwards my friend - it does get easier.

[mango_flower]

Aww ComoLu - I understood all your words, particulary the bit where you said you missed the man you loved, even though he's no longer that person, and that even though he wasn't real, your love was.  That just summed up exactly how I struggle to explain it, so thank you!

34th wedding anniversary... . and I think how much she changed my life in just one year - you're one tough cookie.  It hurts like hell, doesn't it?

I don't have any words to help you, but know that I am listening, and I understand (maybe not the depth of it due to the length of the relationship - you guys have so many shared memories and it's going to all feel  very entangled).   But the pain - we here all know it.  And you're not alone.

One day at a time - keep trucking. 

What nice things would you like to do with your life that you might not have got the chance to do were you still married?  For me it was volunteering abroad for the summer - I leave in 8 weeks and right no it's one of the few things keeping my head above water x

[ComoLu]

Mango_flower, I am going to start blogging, and I am also writing a book.  Right now I am immersed in family, but within the next year, I hope to find more time to do these things and choose a new career path.  I haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up.  I hope your volunteering turns out to be all that you want it to be.  Stay safe.

[healingmyheart]

ComoLu,

I understand your feelings very well since I struggle with them as well.  Although my relationship wasn't as long as your marriage, I still miss the goodness in the man I ultimately had to kick out of my home. 

I'm volunteering, taking some college classes, spending time with my daughter and friends and trying to find my own path. 

It is a difficult road but I am feeling healthier.  I know I had lost myself in the relationship and now with the focus on me, I am turning inward and learning who I am.  The last two days all I could do was cry... . I was grieving over so many things... . the lose of my exBPD boyfriend and that relationship... . the lose of my mom... . the loss of my late husband.  All this grieving was suppressed when I was with my ex since I was so distracted and focused on pleasing him. 

I am one of those people who believe that things happen for a reason.  I needed to grow as a person and I feel that my ex BPD has helped me to see that and enable that to happen.  We also had so much good... . it's hard to let go and understand when you think of all the good but we can't forget the reasons we left.