Appropriate way to go NC with BPD Mom

[habitat]

My partner and I purchased a 1300 sf, beautiful house for her to live in 6 years ago.  When our relationship continued to deteriorate, and after several nc periods, we informed her that we were selling the house and had instead purchased an 835sf condo for her.  Again, a beautiful place on the golf course in a gated community.  BIG mistake.  It naturally wasn't good enough.  

The problem I'm experiencing is that I'm an only child.  All other family members have disowned my Mom.  She receives $1000/mth from Social Security, before Medicare is deducted, etc... .  While I know this isn't my fault, the sense of obligation, along with her pleading with us that she has nowhere else to turn keeps the hook set in place.  

Two weeks ago, and the day before my partner of 22 years and I were leaving for a trip to Italy, I blew.  I flew into a violent rage at my uBPD accusing me of "thoughtlessness," verbally assulted her, punched a whole in the wall and called 911 to ask for police presence because I told them I was afraid I would throw her through a wall.  We did leave for Italy, although my hand was twice it's normal size & I was cut up pretty bad.  That day I told her I would no longer provide a home for her to continue living in.  That the condo was "off,"  the house was going to be sold, and that I wanted her out.  If need be I'd have her formally evicted.

While lengthy, I would greatly appreciate you reading the letter I sent her the morning we departed, her response 7 days later, and the intended letter my partner would like to send-WHICH IS THE REASON for my post this morning.  Is sending this post appropriate, or would something simple and to the point be better.  Of course we both feel like we want her annihilated, so we want to separate our feelings from what is appropriate.  See below:


May 9th:  My email to my Mom.  Subject:  GOODBYE

You make it impossible to like you, respect you, love you or trust you.

I will forever save the voice mail that you left me at home to remind me of who you are.  I returned your text and two voice mails within THREE minutes of your call.  Instant gratification and [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] have never been enough for you, nor will they ever be.  How dare you project your venomous tone and irrational feelings of thoughtlessness on me after the enormous sacrifices I've made for you.

I will share your voice mail with any and every one I can possibly think of because I'm tired of protecting you and your sick behavior, hoping that something can change.  Alienating, offending and discarding others come as naturally to you as breathing. You're a compulsive liar who thinks nothing of making something up to forward her own agenda. Have at it, just don't ever expect our paths to cross again. It's sick, it's sad, and it makes me question the very laws of nature.

The last time you saw me, was the last time you'll ever see me.

The last time you spoke to me, was the last time you'll ever speak to me.

It makes no difference to me whether you think of me, what you think of me, or if you ever come to any remote acceptance of the mental and emotional damage, pain and absolute devastation you've caused throughout my life. You've crushed my heart, my spirit and my soul for the last time.  From that there is no recovery, no forgiveness, no forgetting.

I don't care where you live, nor will I continue to assume any responsibility for your lack of responsible living, spending, saving or planning.  

Within two weeks the Scorpion house will be put on the market. The condo will be listed as well. You can communicate with Greg with regard to when you'll vacate the Scorpion house. We've already spoken to the Travis County Constable about what our options are, and will have our attorney pursue that route if necessary.

It's time for you to turn this over to God. Perhaps He'll continue to provide for you because He has endless love and forgiveness. Jeff doesn't.

I'm done. You don't have a son. Consider me dead and buried.

You buried me a long time ago through of your dedicated self-absorption, entitlement, irrational behavior and lies that threatened my safety, mental and emotional well-being in favor of your own self-preservation.

I hope it was worth it.  

P.S.  

Open your own PayPal account today.  As of today's date, no funds from MY PayPal account will be disbursed to you for your business to advance your fraudulent deception of the federal government.  I want no part of it.

Change the Vonage account to your name today or the service will be terminated.  I've paid it monthly since it's inception and will no longer continue to do so.

Put the Flamingo business in your name immediately.  I've invested thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours setting that business up for you. In thirty days it will no longer be in existence under Habitat Hanalei Interiors.  I refuse to act as a shield for your deception any longer.  You'll have to start filing your own quarterly taxes.  See a lawyer and figure it out. I want my name removed from any and all ties to you and your business. I will be of no assistance in making the change.  You're perfectly capable of taking care of it, and if you're not, the business simply folds.

HER RESPONSE:  May 16th.  Subject:  A place to live

Jeff,

I hope you and Greg are having a wonderful vacation.

I promise to honor your boundries and to operate solely on my own.

I have been deligently searching along with the help of many friends and

people associated with real estate in some way to find suitable housing

but to no avail.  Time is running out.  So, I humbly have one last request.

My proposal is:  May I please lease the condo for $700.00/month. If I

should default, I will leave with no repercussions.

I hope you will grant me this one last request as I am in desperate need of

a place to live.  I would be very grateful for your help this one last time.

I do love you and want only the best for you.

Mom

The question:

THE PROPOSED RESPONSE FROM MY PARTNER (Not sent yet)

Phyllis,

After you completed your work at Seton Mind Institute, you asked Jeff and I for yet another chance to see how hard you'd been working and the progress you'd made.  You asked us to please let you know when we saw behavior that was in contrast to that progress, because you regretted having hurt either one of us. I am doing that now.

Wow. I was stunned that I could leave for work on May 8th with Jeff thrilled to show you his 6 weeks of hard work to make the condo over for you. As usual, he didn't miss a detail and it looks nothing short of amazing. He worked all morning that day on "staging" the place to look amazing, cleaned everything and it looked beautiful. He wanted you to see it before he was leaving for a well-deserved break.

Fast forward a few hours and everything was in a shambles.

Your Son is crushed that all his hard FOR YOU was ripped away because you can't control yourself. When I got home from work that day, I seriously thought he was going to either have a heart attack or a nervous breakdown. I had never seen him so empty in 22 years. I hope you feel badly about that because you should. Your Son has a heart of gold and has always had your best interest at heart. It's really, really sad.  He tries so hard and we ALWAYS wind up right back at this place.

I heard your message that day on our machine, that you were very "unhappy" that Ruena was hoping to see the condo along with you. I think you need to hear that message. If I didn't know better, I would think the message was left by a sulking adolescent, incapable of controlling her tantrums.

Let's be honest. You've been in a snit ever since I sent you the email about our trip to Italy. You told Jeff you didn't receive it, however that is very bazaar since you seem to receive every other email I send to you. You weren't happy about so you chose not to respond. The day you received my email you snapped at Jeff several times as I recall him saying "it's strange, like a light switch was flipped. She was full of gratitude and now it's more attitude."  You also asked Ruena to let you know what their plans were for Mother's Day. This was all before Jeff told you about the Italy trip. So, if you hadn't received my email, why ask Ruena what they planned for Mother's Day?

Your voicemail confirmed it. "I don't even get to see you on Mother's Day and now I have to share my first visit to my new home with someone like Ruena?" I am not sure what you meant by that, but didn't she help you for 3 days at your garage sale out of the goodness of her heart, purchase things from you and insist on paying for them and offer to help with whatever else you might need during the transition of moving?

Phyllis was angry and hurt and everyone was damn well gonna know about it.

You had every right to want to see your new home with just Jeff, but an appropriate response would have been, "you know, I'd really like to see the place for the first time with just you." Instead Jeff was thoughtless for not thinking of that FOR you-even when you weren’t even sure you wanted to see it until it was completely finished early in the day when he first approached the subject with you.  He spent 6 weeks renovating and putting the finishing touches on it so you would ooh and ahhh. All that work for you went to  because you couldn't verbalize your feelings in an appropriate way.  Here’s a news flash, you’re NOT entitled to share your feelings with anyone, anytime you may feel you want to.  They’re you’re feelings, yet you continuously have no regard for feeling entitled to impose exponential, overblown suffering to anyone you feel has slighted or offended you.  I’m here to tell you that you’re NOT entitled to anything in this lifetime from anyone when mutual respect isn’t part of the foundation of that relationship. Your self-sabotage of employing vicious, condescending, belligerent and aggressive approaches to communication never has and never will serve your end needs.  People know, Phyllis.  That’s why nobody ever hangs around for long.  I cannot even begin to count the number of dramatically close, sisterly relationships you’ve gone through in the 22 years I’ve been around, but it’s exhausting and sad to have witnessed the parade of wonderful people who enter your life, only to exit because they’ve turned to  in your eyes.  I’m here to tell you that doesn’t happen to normal people to the extreme it does to you.  Not even close.  

Phyllis, Jeff cannot receive your emails any longer.  They are forwarded directly to me.  Likewise, you will find that your calls will be diverted if you should ever try to contact him at home or on his cell.  I’m your point man now, and doesn’t that suck for you.  Having said that, I was the one who read the email you sent last Thursday.  He never saw it.  No apology, no contrition, no explanation, just a request to have your needs met once again, WHILE HE WAS ON VACATION trying to regain his sanity and relax. Respect his boundaries?  The very fact that you sent the email was in direct violation of his boundaries.  You can’t begin to understand the concept of boundaries.  I strongly suggest you come up with a WORLD CLASS and sincere apology for your Son, with no "buts" or "howevers." He deserves that and MORE from you. As I told you 5 + months ago your every thought and every word to Jeff should be full of gratitude. He doesn't owe you a roof over your head and you aren't entitled to it. He has WANTED to give you that because without his help, your options are limited to low income housing, something he didn't want his mother reduced to, despite the fact that the direction of highly paid professionals have told him he cannot and should not feel obligated in any way-that it’s not his job or responsibility.

It certainly appears that this time you've done irreparable damage to your relationship with Jeff. It's all very sad.

I hope you receive this email and I hope you share it with your therapist, whatever friend(s) who happen to be passing through your life at the moment, or your spiritual counselor. It’s wonderful that they can all validate your sick perception of your victimization while they’re around, but they don’t think twice about having fed the beast when they walk away.  They’re just happy to be gone, never giving a second thought to how they’ve contributed to validating your skewed perception during their brief appointment in your life.  They’re done and gone, but their influence has contributed to furthering a huge truckload of pain, suffering and devastation for those that are left, the “constants” in your life, which correct me if I’m wrong, continue to diminish in number as the years go by.

-Greg

PS I wrote this email earlier today but hadn't sent it yet. I just learned tonight of your conversation with Ruena when she called to apologize about intruding on your first visit to the completed Condo. Just as I thought, Ruena told me the first thing out of your mouth was "they promised to take me back to Italy." This whole disaster was because you were pissed off about not being included in another trip to Italy. You have blown having another beautiful FREE roof over your head because of jealousy, envy and childish behavior. You need help. You need major help. You just don't know how and when and who and what is appropriate. A few short months ago you begged Jeff and I not move you out of Lakeway. We gave in, bought another fabulous place for you. But God damn it, I didn't invite you on another all-expense paid trip to Italy and you fly into a childish rage? I am absoinglutely stunned. I just don't have the words. Yes I do. Get the  out. Jeff doesn't want any contact with you. He has blocked you from emailing him and phoning him. I'm your point of contact once again and doesn't that suck for you.


My question is:  Should it be kept simple & just ask her when her move out date is?  I fail to see how that will do anything, because I've no doubt she cannot & will not move out with nowhere to go.  We would have to take legal action to have her removed.  That being my guess, should we not bother responding at all, hire an attorney and let the attorney take care of getting the job done, thereby eliminating any interraction at all?

THANK YOU!

[P.F.Change]

Hi, habitat.

Well, things certainly do seem to be escalating. I think NC will probably be a good decision for you if you are feeling violent. It is better to keep yourself away from situations that can get you in trouble.

I can very much understand why you and your partner are so frustrated and angry and hurt. Sometimes it is good to get all those thoughts and feelings out on paper. We can file them away or have a letter-burning party. Once in a while we might need to send something, if it gives us the voice and closure we need. Usually though, it is better to step back and not get caught up in minutiae. Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining will keep you stuck in the cycle of conflict. I can tell your partner cares about you and wants to protect you, and I also think what he wrote won't be helpful. It's like screaming at a deaf man for not listening. You'll lose your voice and he still won't hear any better.

Since you are asking, my personal advice here would be to have your attorney handle any and all contact with your mother from here on out. S/he can deal with getting your tenant to vacate. Did you think about finding a therapist? That is a healthy environment to express all your feelings and get support to cope with them.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[redroom]

You should keep it short and simple.  That way, there will be no confusion and little for her to argue.  When your partner says that the best thing she could do right now is to give you a world class apology, she may interpret that as a way in.  She may see it as a tiny loophole that she may have to save her housing situation.  She may also argue later that she was under the impression that if she apologized, she could lease the apartment for $700/month.  

I understand how sending her a letter like that would be carthartic, to say the least (I have an uBPDm of my own), but in the long run, it's not going to help.  She's not going to read it and "see the light" and realize that she's treated you poorly all of these years.  She's still the same BPDm who did all of those things over the years, and in her mind, her behavior was justified, and she likely still sees her poor behavior as justified.  In her eyes, calling out her (bad) behavior is attacking her, and her response will be to fight back and try to defend herself.  

Also, I've noticed that with difficult situations/people, BPD or not, the more arguments you make and reasons you give, the more that they can fight back with.  And then you'll just keep going back and forth.  A non-BPD might eventually get your point, but your BPDM has too much emotionally invested.  

One more thing:  I wouldn't depend on your mom removing your name from all of your accounts/businesses.  Not just because she's BPD, but because she'll probably forget or just not get around to it.  If she feels overwhelmed, she may put it off or just not do it.  I'd figure out a way to do this myself, or give her a concrete deadline (e.g. not "soon" or "asap", but "by July 1", and if she doesn't meet that deadline, then do whatever you need to do legally to take your name off.  

And don't let her try to make you feel guilty about you being her only son and her having to live of Social Security.  $1000 isn't a lot, but it's doable.  And how is she going to pay $700/month to lease your condo when she gets about $850 (I'm assuming, after Medicare)?  It's like she's living in a fantasy world... .  

[doubleAries]

habitat--

I have been NC with my BPD witch mother for 22 years. I wrote her a long letter, somewhat similar to yours, when I did this. The best use of the letter was to keep for myself and read over and over when I felt FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). Otherwise, it was a waste of time.

Your partners letter is good, articulate, and heartfelt. It is also a waste of time. Save these letters for yourselves when you fall back into the FOG. In your mothers eyes, they are nothing more than strategy games, manipulations. Because that it was she knows and understands (therefore must be what everyone else does).

Here's an example that is not the same situation, but could perhaps point to what I am trying to say:

My mother--who never ever once told me she loved me (EVER)--tells my brothers that she is "concerned" about me and "cares" what happens to me, and that she has no other way to "know about" me except what they tell her about me, because I'm so stubborn and unreasonable. She has told them to tell me that she is ready to forgive me and be "friends" again. This makes them feel guilty as well as angry at me. Which is exactly what it is designed to do. Because it's not about me. It's about manipulating them. She has never tried to contact me herself and say any of this. Nor will she. She's as happy with the NC as I am. She just wants them to feel sorry for her and be angry at me, because this validates her vilification of me. It does not occur to my brothers that they are being manipulated and used. When I point it out, the light bulb goes off and they see it clearly. until the next time I talk to them. Then it starts all over again. Because they don't see it as an overall pattern--they see it as a case by case basis--just as we were all trained to see her behavior.

Your anger at your mother will certainly temporarily change the game plan, but it will not change the pattern. You are holding out HOPE that something--ANYTHING--you say or do will finally get through to her. That she will finally give you the love and approval you need and want. THAT'S the hook. It's not guilt--it's HOPE.

When you understand this, you will not be "hopeless", but empowered. You will understand that you are not at her mercy--but your own.

Keep in mind--going NC will certainly minimize the risk of violence. But it will not automatically infer personal values and the boundaries required to protect those values. It will not erase the guilt, the susceptibility towards codependency. But it will allow you the freedom to begin that journey, to begin to sort out your own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. But the unconscious ingrained patterns will need to be sorted out with a competent therapist.

Best of luck. 

[simplesimon]

I hope you will grant me this one last request as I am in desperate need of

a place to live.  I would be very grateful for your help this one last time.

Wow that says it all... . pity me, poor me... . don't walk away from ME.

Classic. 

Honestly the I cheered for the reply made by your partner.  I have always wanted to let my BPDm know what her selfish behavior has done.  The few times I have blown up it always left me tired and defeated.

I suggest this - email her back with something like this:

Dear. Ms.BPD

I have recieved your request and it is not possible.  I require a date with which you will vacate the premises of (house address).  Any items left behind after this date wil be dispossed of.  Should you require any further clarification you will directly contact (partner).

Sincerly,

Partner.

Otherwise she will continue to attempt to suck you back into her emotional vortex.  She will never stick to her promises to "respect boundries" as she is incapable of it like most BPDs and will serve no purpose as doubleAries said.