Finally Ended it. Now the Pain.

[jalbright]

Ok So after many ups and downs and a coupe very short "breaks" I finally had my GF w/BPD move out yesterday morning. Of course I have tons of guilt b/c the break up has put her under rock bottom. This website has been a gift and a curse, mostly a gift but let me explain the curse part. I've read many threads here and seeing some describe their BPD partner I was like wow, my GF is not that bad (no offense) compared to some! I see many speak on their BPD partner being cold and non-affectionate and often many times cheating. My GF would have NEVER done such a thing, she was the exact opposite. She showered me with love. So even though I wasn't happy this had me second guessing.

Anyway, as our relationship began to wear on me I found I simply just could not muster the desire to try the way that was needed to give our relationship the best chance and to help channel my GF's issues. I was occasionally the trigger. In the pit of my stomach there was just too much resentment and fear of knowing if I want to do this I will have to do it knowing that these issues will never TRULY be gone, only channeled and masked. I just could not come to accept that fully.

So basically as I feel I made the right choice, I hope, I cant help but think maybe this a decent bit of my fault b/c I was almost setting her up to fail as I couldn't genuinely and happily accept the situation and the commitment needed. Outside of her BPD struggles she was an amazing women w/ great qualities and the things she brought to the relationship that were positive. So I feel if I would of did my part her I could of had an amazing overall partner. I guess deep down I couldn't do that for a reason that shouldn't be ignored. I hope this all make sense.

My plan now is to begin some therapy as there are some issues I can better myself on and I want to get a better understanding of what just happened throughout the relationship and ultimately the demise of it. This isn't going to be easy for a bit.

[Take2]

Jailbright... .   you don't need to feel badly for leaving a situation that was not right for you!   You weren't happy and its okay to want your own emotional needs met by someone who can share a mature loving r/s with you... .

I wiah you peace in your growth right now ew... . I know its hard.

I am struggling wildly with the "its not fair" feeling today

Sorry for typos

My phone doesn't work well on here

[jalbright]

Yeah it's certainly not meant to be easy. I've quickly realized how much of a shock it is just go about the house with not around. None the processes are the same if that makes sense. It a lot of heartache to over come and a lot to get used to

I can't help but constantly worry about her well being right now. It's like I want to help her from this new distance. More so than I did when we were together. I read somewhere that I need to stop that behavior though.

[Take2]

Agreed... . the heartache is truly unbelievable.  Partly because its been an ongoing heartache for so long.

Our on and off status has been continuous for a few years now and we work together so I never get the chance to truly break away.

The second I lay eyes on him,  I crumble inside.  Partly (mostly) because I love him,  partly because I too often want to help him .

But the real thing to focus on is why I go thru this,  what keeps me in a situation that has been at times intensely emotionality abusive... .   therapy helps a little.

I think the answers will come from within.  And its just a daily process to try and remember that I too deserve to be loved and cared about in a mature r/s.

I hope you find success with therapy!

[Tordesillas]

I know what you mean about that doubt due to the relative "badness" of the behaviour.  My ex doesn't seem to have done some of the worst things I've read about on here.  I suppose part of me does reserve the strong possibility that she has done some things I'm not aware of.  But even if she didn't, I know the toxicity that her condition introduced simply wasn't healthy for me anymore and it was starting to become a real problem in my own life.  And when it comes down it, that's the tipping point that matters... . not the relative "baddness" of any one individuals behaviour... .

[jalbright]

I know what you mean about that doubt due to the relative "badness" of the behaviour.  My ex doesn't seem to have done some of the worst things I've read about on here.  I suppose part of me does reserve the strong possibility that she has done some things I'm not aware of.  But even if she didn't, I know the toxicity that her condition introduced simply wasn't healthy for me anymore and it was starting to become a real problem in my own life.  And when it comes down it, that's the tipping point that matters... . not the relative "baddness" of any one individuals behaviour... .

I agree! Also, in comparing my gfwBPD as being less destructive than others on this board, I did some reading about the different types of BPD personalities.

/waif.html

It made total sense that my gf most fit the Waif type. although she certainly had her moments of strong anger and lashing out, she was more of the somber role over come with helplessness.  She loved hard and was extremely compassionate towards me.

Understanding this has helped to not compare by gf's BPD to others who seem much worse. Each type of BPD can certainly be destructive in their own way.