Weekly mindgames

[Murbay]

Just to recap, it's been 3 weeks since I left and 2 weeks of almost NC. I'm doing ok with the healing in the sense that every day I'm still processing through the 3 years of marriage but gradually I'm seeing things for what they were and also learning about myself. As a result, I'm now seeing mindgames being played on a weekly basis and it is worrying. It's worrying because I still have a long way to go in my healing and if my wife walked back into my life tomorrow, I would most likely surrender.

So, as far as mindgames. After the first week of NC, I recieved an e-mail from her friend. It was very polite and she had a question relating to something belonging to my step-daughter. I answered the question in a calm and polite way since I don't have any issues with her friend, she thanked me for my response and that was it. It seemed innocent enough but it created doubts and thoughts after that contact. My ex, gets others to do things for her and I eventually accepted it was what it was.

Roll on to Friday, I received a game request for "Words with Friends" from my ex. Even something so simple created so many thoughts in my head and I didn't stop thinking about it all day Friday. I couldn't sleep Friday night and on Saturday I responded. I figured there was no direct communication so nothing could be misinterpreted in that sense, so I just sent a word back on Saturday.

Saturday afternoon and my sister, who has also been cut off, recieved a Facebook friends request from my step-daughter. She is 7 years old and doesn't even know she has a facebook account. My ex uses it to spy on her ex and worryingly on my previous exgf too. The only person who could have sent this was my ex-wife. My sister didn't respond.

Now on to this morning, my ex resigned her game on "Words with Friends" Not that I expected anything less but it does create thoughts as to why she would even send the request in the first place. The friends request to my sister has also been removed too.

Looking at the entire picture, it seems like she has to get a weekly fix somehow just to see if someone still cares. The hard part being that I do care but she refuses to acknowledge or take any responsibility for anything. My T keeps reminding me, that she is the one with the issue but while she is in the place she is in her head, there is no chance of things ever getting better.

What makes things more difficult though is how she uses other people so you feel that guilt. Her friend is a good person so it's unfair to put her in the middle like that. All of my ex's issues are projected onto my step-daughter so to get her own way, she will use step-daughter in that way. It makes it very difficult to say no to a child when you know the child hasn't done anything wrong either. So that's how she gets me every time, through friends, family and the children.

I can say no to her but how do I say no to the innocent people who keep getting dragged into these twisted mindgames?

[fromheeltoheal]

You reminded me of something similar.  My BPD ex has a very unhealthy relationship with her 17 year old daughter, whom she calls her 'best friend'.  She has zero boundaries with her daughter, and their relationship is like that of sisters; I've come to realize through that and her relationships with her other kids that she is somewhere in her mid-teens emotionally, and the older kids intimidate her, which is a little gross to watch.  I went on vacation with her and her daughter, near the end of the relationship, and they teamed up against me, my BPD taking advice from her daughter.  And to top it off, her daughter got in the habit of saying devaluing things to me too, which I've learned is abuse by proxy.  The dynamic couldn't have been sicker, and tough to navigate through, so I just left.

Hope you find your way out.  Someone who is enmeshed with the BPD can definitely add to your pain, even though they may be good people in their own right.

[Murbay]

I'm so sorry to hear about your family too heeltoheal and understand your frustrations.

It is very difficult when children are involved, especially when you see the effect it has on them too. I do worry about my step-daughter because I saw a lot of projection but I also saw a lot of difficulty for a 7 year old to understand and comprehend. She has great difficulty with making friends because she too is controlling and sees herself as someone everybody has to like. If anybody wrongs her, my ex marches into the school and demands the parents hold their children accountable. I saw a very different perspective on this as it was my step-daughter who instigated a number of the issues. If she was in trouble for something, she would blame it on what someone had done at school, get hugs and attention then watch the fireworks. Other children avoid her mainly out of fear to the point she has no real friends.

Sister in law lost her baby a few months ago and was deeply upset about it. Step-daughter had already been told she was going to have another cousin so rather than sit down and explain the truth to her, the ex just told step-daughter that sister in law thought she was pregnant but she wasn't. What happened next was step-daughter laughing at sister in law for being stupid and not realising she wasn't pregnant. That is how my ex raises my step-daughter so of course I have concerns about my own daughter too.

It's very sad that my ex uses step-daughter in the ways she does, I really do feel for step-daughter as I know none of this is her fault. I tried my best but ex would override anything I did or said. Looking at the big picture, I'm glad to be out of the environment but I do carry the guilt for the children stuck in there and whilst they are there, they will always be used as tools for projection and mind games.