I'm sad for her children.

[recoil]

I came to know of this forum last year.  I've read tons of books, including Understanding the Borderline Mother.  I knew borderlines raise borderlines.  But for some reason, this completely escaped me until two weeks ago.  I have truly been in a fog of denial for quite some time.

My T asked me about her children.  I described them.  The eldest (8) is really loving but cannot do anything on her own.  She can't clean her room, nor tie her own shoes.  She can't be criticized.  She doesn't have an emotional thick skin.  She is really smart though and a fantastic reader.

The youngest (4) is filled with rage and anger.  She bullies the eight year old.  She uses violence to get her way a lot.  She also cannot be criticized or she'll cry/get extremely angry.  Once, I counted how many times she cried in an hour.  For that particular time, it was fourteen times.  I've also seen the little one imagine things happen to her.  As one example, my daughter was about five feet away from the four year old.  The four year old stumbled and ran into a wall because there were a lot of toys and clothes on the floor.  She looked up and asking my daughter why she pushed her.  Huh?

I knew the Mother was borderline at this point.  But why couldn't I see the borderline traits in her children?  Anyway, my T sighed.  The youngest is already showing traits of being severely borderline (I met her when she was two).  The eldest is probably a waif in the making (Father was in her life when she was younger) but the youngest is very troubled (Father was not in her daily life).

I now see the pain I was in for if the relationship has continued.  I see the pain I would have put my daughter through.  Can you imagine being a non with two step-sisters who are borderline?  I'm so glad that didn't happen to her.

There were eggshells all over that house.  

It actually makes me very sad.  I really wish there were no such thing as BPD.  

There are times I want to tell the Father what's going on.  He thinks the Mother is NPD.  He doesn't know anything about BPD and I haven't told him.  He's a bit of a character as well.  There are times I want to put an anonymous letter together and mail it to the Grandparents on the Father's side.  They are very influential in the kids lives.  Shouldn't someone try to help them now?  It's not for me to do, naturally.  But if the Father and Grandparents are ignorant to the situation (they know something is up, just not what), shouldn't someone try to intervene for the sake of the children?

I'm just going to "leave it be" but it makes me sad.

[GreenMango]

It is sad.  It's good you protected and made the proper choices for the child you can do something about  - how is your daughter doing?

There's no screening or licenses to become a parent - they come in all forms.  It's one of those hard acceptance things.

[mango_flower]

Just wanted to let you know a story with a happier ending:

Knowing what I know now, my ex step-mother was BPD.  Pretty much no doubt about it (I just didn't understand her behaviours back then).

I didn't grow up with her but my younger sister did, from when she was 4 until 8 or so.

I just wanted to let you know that she's now a well adjusted 19 year old, happy, healthy, emotionally mature and sensible.  Great sense of humour and no obvious damage done from those 4 years with the step-monster and her 3 daughters (the middle one had many issues, more than likely a BPD in the making although the other 2 seemed ok).

So yeah... . well done to you for breaking that cycle x

[recoil]

My T said my daughter was never at risk, as my daughter was four when she met my ex.  Supposedly, BPD is acquired by the age of three.

My daughter is doing great now.  I've been sad for over a week, knowing what lies ahead for their family.  I should take joy knowing that mine is free from that drama, but I don't right now.

[lost007]

My ex wife had BPD. I nearly lost my daughters over her. Her two kids were bullies. My kids and I felt uncomfortable in our own home. And it was she and her two that moved into our home. They essentially took it over. We had lots. She had nothing. Yet we felt out of place. It was crazy. Had I not left her I would have lost everything. I'm very lonely but more sane. I'm glad for you. Takes strength to break away.

[GreenMango]

You loved the kids.  It's natural to be concerned for them.

Has to be hard knowing there isn't much you can do.  I'm guessing of you tried to intervene, aside from her being reported to cps or arrested, it could go south and in some way the kids would end up paying.

[healingmyheart]

Recoil,

I understand where you are coming from and your concerns for the children.

I was in a relationship with my expbdbf for two years.  He has a now 18 year old daughter who was 16 when we meet.  I have a now 17 year old daughter who was 15 at the introduction of this relationship.  

My ex had a very tumultuous relationship with his daughter.  He raged at her and criticized her and made her feel like she couldn't do anything right.  She is a beautiful young lady... . in fact she models she is so gorgeous yet she has absolutely no self esteem.  He has destroyed her to the inner core.  

My relationship with my ex ended when he started raging at MY daughter and was verbally abusive towards her.  That was the breaking point for me.

In counseling I've talked about the children... . both mine and my ex's daughter.  I worry about how my ex's daughter will turn out. She already suffers from depression and anxiety and has to take medication to help her deal with it.  I wanted to reach out to both my ex's daughter and her mom and inform them of BPD but my counselor said it is best to leave alone.  I just thought it would help his daughter to understand that she is not the blame for her dad's abuse... . that it is a mental illness.  Interestingly, she is majoring in psychology in college so I guess at some point she will learn about BPD and the light bulbs will go off.  It breaks my heart though because I love her as if she were my own daughter and I feel a need to protect her and I can't.  All I can do at this point is remove myself and my daughter from the equation and move on.  

BPD sucks!  There is no two ways about it.  I loved my ex so very much.  On the surface he was the most caring and giving person but I guess in reality that was his false persona.  The raging, controlling, manipulation and abuse was the real person.