another day in hell. . .

[pale-blue-eyes]

Last night I reached my breaking point and finally just had enough. I told my husband I didn't want him in the house anymore and that he needed to leave. He did not comply and basically refused, he was in a rage, and just spent the rest of the night in the living room raging to himself for hours. Try explaining to someone that your spouse had an argument with themselves for hours and considered it an actual argument that really happened between the two of you, people think I'm nuts and I don't have anyone who can relate. Anyway, I'm basically just sick and tired of the abuse. I am emotionally and verbally abused everyday and constantly manipulated. I've seen the term pwBPD, which I'm not exactly sure what it stands for but I assume it has to do with power and a power manipulating BPD? This is how my husband is all the time and he has very extreme rages and very extreme control issues. When I say that I feel that I am verbally abused and bashed he totally projects it all back to me and says that i am the abusive one and is in complete denial. Now I'm no angle and do have some anger issues that I currently get help for, but I have never and would never say the down right horrible things that he has said to me. I can't reveal all of them here but trust me he says things that a husband shouldn't even have it in himself to say to his wife, things that a husband should NEVER say to his wife, things that most people have never even said in their own lives to their worst enemies and of course he never remembers saying them which "convinces" him that I am the "crazy" one. Currently he has painted me black (I believe that is the term).

But here is the problem, he is dealing with more mental issues than the BPD. He developed delusional parasitosis a few months ago and believes that he is infested with parasites and that they are everywhere (In his food, in the air, water, etc.). We are absolutely broke, all of our accounts and cards are overdrawn and overdue. Between the two of us we have like 40 dollars and that's it. He has no family members that he can count on and no friends either. The friends he does have are more acquaintances and have no idea of how he really is. So all this leaves me in a very tough position. The delusional state makes him unable to function in daily life and he does not have the ability to self sooth. His level of paranoia just keeps growing (it's already alarmingly high) and he keeps getting worse everyday. Because of what he said I want him out, but I know that if I kick him out he literally will have no where to go, no one to go to or count on, and no money. I really feel that he would just go kill himself. People have told me that i am not responsible for his BPD condition but I do feel that I need to be responsible for him now because of the delusions. I am the sane person, I am the one who really knows whats up, and I can't just kick him out now because I know exactly what will happen. I need to get him into a treatment program but the state insurance is a 5 year wait list and most of the low income programs are full so it has been very difficult. My question is how do I deal with all of this and deal with him in the mean time? When he is in a rage the techniques don't do much help. I loose it after so much time and he'll just keep pushing me until I do.  I just feel stuck and lost and the only thing I know for sure is that I can not handle the emotional and verbal abuse anymore. I already know that anyone I talk to will say that i just need to leave him and that's it, but I can't do that knowing that he is suicidal and feel that I am really the only person in his life who will actually try to help him. He literally has no one else. Any advice, thoughts, relateable experiences? Thanks

[jrx]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. If you see your husband committing some form of self-harm, at least in my area, it's okay to call 911. If he has an official diagnosis or documented history, the police will consider taking him to an emergency ward.

I don't know the specifics of your situation or whether you're on state assistance for insurance (e.g. Medi-Cal in CA), but most hospitals will negotiate payment terms.

In any event, it's important that you keep a journal or other form of documentation. This will help you prove the severity of your husband's situation. If you keep detailed records, it is sometimes easier for a case worker to prioritize you over others who may need more thorough evaluations.

You might also consider privately run programs. Kaiser, for example, has mental health assistance programs for low income individuals.

info.kaiserpermanente.org/communitybenefit/html/our_work/global/our_work_4_b.html

Finally, if all else fails and you sense that he might self-harm, call the suicide hotline in your area. They are trained and have access to resources you may not have considered.