Was Your EXBPD Excessively Flirty or Charming?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Were any of your exBPD partners excessively charming?  Mine had a magnetic personality, and was highly likable.  He would also go out of his way to charm pretty much everyone he came in contact with, even strangers we came upon while running errands.  He was also excessively flirty, although he used to just say that he was being friendly.

After a while, I noticed that he was super charming to women in their 60's who could employ him in his field.  He would always say, "Hi gorgeous, hi my beautiful girl," and "I love you!" to these women.  (He was saying the same things to me, so I wonder how deep his feelings really ran for anyone?) He's a handsome man in his thirties, so of course they ate it up.  He would also flirt with all women, which drove me crazy while we were together, but he would try to charm the men as well. 

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

[leftbehind]

Were any of your exBPD partners excessively charming?  Mine had a magnetic personality, and was highly likable.  He would also go out of his way to charm pretty much everyone he came in contact with, even strangers we came upon while running errands.  He was also excessively flirty, although he used to just say that he was being friendly.

After a while, I noticed that he was super charming to women in their 60's who could employ him in his field.  He would always say, "Hi gorgeous, hi my beautiful girl," and "I love you!" to these women.  (He was saying the same things to me, so I wonder how deep his feelings really ran for anyone?) He's a handsome man in his thirties, so of course they ate it up.  He would also flirt with all women, which drove me crazy while we were together, but he would try to charm the men as well. 

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

[LetItBe]

Were any of your exBPD partners excessively charming?  Mine had a magnetic personality, and was highly likable.  He would also go out of his way to charm pretty much everyone he came in contact with, even strangers we came upon while running errands.  He was also excessively flirty, although he used to just say that he was being friendly.

After a while, I noticed that he was super charming to women in their 60's who could employ him in his field.  He would always say, "Hi gorgeous, hi my beautiful girl," and "I love you!" to these women.  (He was saying the same things to me, so I wonder how deep his feelings really ran for anyone?) He's a handsome man in his thirties, so of course they ate it up.  He would also flirt with all women, which drove me crazy while we were together, but he would try to charm the men as well. 

Did anyone else have a similar experience?

Yes, yes, and yes!  He ate up attention from anyone who would give it to him.  Also very handsome and in his 30's, he was very affectionate and charming with many people -- from several women he worked with that were old enough to be his mother, to the gay men working at the grocery store who admired him.  I saw him change from serious and a bit morose to instantly charming, smiling, and flirty when we arrived at his friend's house to get together with other friends, letting one of his female friends (who has been interested in more than friendship w/him) hang all over him.  A bit narcissistic, ya think?  He saw no problem with this behavior, of course.

[leftbehind]

he was very affectionate and charming with many people -- from several women he worked with that were old enough to be his mother, to the gay men working at the grocery store who admired him.

same exact scenario.  down to flirting with the gay man at a store in the mall we would visit. 

[Bananas]

OMG Yes!  But looking back it was only when he needed something from someone or when he had to put on a show.  I work with mine and he is sickeningly charming to those up the food chain and treats those below him pretty much like crap.  Super narcissistic.   

[fromheeltoheal]

My BPD ex girlfriend could turn it on in a heartbeat, a very flirty, vivacious, chatty girl with a huge smile that made her cheeks look like a very cute chipmunk.  She was very attractive too, and it worked well on me at first, but after a while I realized it was all a show, and showed up less and less with time.  I got privy to the real her after a while, which was a very dark person with a crappy look on her face and deadness in her eyes, a little satanic too.  Very ugly.

We all put up fronts to some extent, I realize, but with her it was extreme.  Having learned about a BPD's need to attach, it makes perfect sense; she needed that ability and has cultivated it her whole life, and there's now a huge difference between the 'man magnet', as she called herself, and what I call the real her, almost like two entirely different people, one fake and fun, the other real and a total drag.  It seems when we put up our fronts they are just versions of ourselves, but when someone with a serious mental illness does it, they become someone else entirely, they have to to survive.

[patientandclear]

Oh, yes indeed.  I am slightly proud of myself that I was apparently the only woman within miles who was impervious to this for years (we worked together, I was his supervisor, I categorically would not date someone I supervise so it wasn't even a question till he decided to leave the office, which is when he asked me out).

He has this tale of woe about all the women in that office (a friend calls it his "hunting ground" who mysteriously stalked him.  Left him anonymous and later, signed, love letters out of the blue; cornered him in his office and declared their undying love; the young woman (whom he dated before and after me it turns out) with whom he "had to enforce boundaries;" and so on.  How did it happen?  Gosh.

Forgottenarm, a member here, once wrote about the formula her ex used, in a discussion about "how do they find someone new so fast?": make eye contact, offer something to share that suggests something in common, be a little self-depricating, prolong the conversation longer than a person normally would who isn't interested in something more ... . do that 20 times a day ... . within a week, you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend!

Ugh.

[Bananas]

Forgottenarm, a member here, once wrote about the formula her ex used, in a discussion about "how do they find someone new so fast?": make eye contact, offer something to share that suggests something in common, be a little self-depricating, prolong the conversation longer than a person normally would who isn't interested in something more ... . do that 20 times a day ... . within a week, you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend!

Ugh.

EXACTLY how my ex got me.  Before I agreed to go out with him he was always saying things like "you and I are so much alike it's scary", "it is unbelievable how much we have in common".

[Sango216]

Mine was very charming and flirty, both before and after we began dating.  It's pretty much how he won me over.  He's very funny, although sometimes he takes it too far and it just comes off as him being insensitive or having no filter.  He would always tell girls online that they were beautiful or gorgeous, and it bothered me when someone I know sent me a screenshot of something he had said to a girl online.  It was embarrassing.  I told him this and we got into an argument over it.  He said he didn't see the big deal and "that's the problem with women today.  You can't give anyone a compliment without them thinking you want them."  Then later on he apologized and said "I shouldn't have been doing those things.  It's disrespectful to you."

He seems to be pretty well-liked by a lot of people too.  That was what I struggled with a lot after I broke up with him and he painted me black the last time.  I felt like "If people knew that underneath all of that humor and kindness, there's a monster hiding inside of him... . maybe then so many people wouldn't like him."  It made me feel crazy, like I'm the only person in the world who thinks he's this way, but really I guess I am.  Not many people have seen that side of him, I suppose.

[Tordesillas]

I always find this facet a bit odd when it comes to my exBPD girlfriend.  She was never very flirty with anyone else.  Certainly not in front of me.  She was always very much glued to my side and if anything would often accuse ME of being the flirty one.  I honestly never  complained once about her flirting with anyone.  Now I suppose she could have been acting different behind my back. But maybe this is one BPD trait she just didn't have. 

[TippyTwo]

Yes very flirty. I have discovered since that she picks her targets very carefully over time. When the time is right, she goes into the flirt routine. It is pretty impressive. Well honed skill.

[jmc8899]

My BPD"ex" is very charming, and on the outside appears to be an attractive, smart, successful, generous man who does everything for everyone.   He tells all women the same story, that he is a doting father and can't have a normal relationship because his son comes first.   That his physical needs are never met because women just don't want him in that way - that no one ever wants him.   I found out about multiple women he was sleeping with while telling me his sob stories.   Hah... . so much for no one ever wanting him!  He appears to be this selfless good-hearted sad puppy dog unless you know the real him - a manipulative, empty person who has no real feelings for anyone.