Please, advice about living with BPD hermit mother

[January86]

Hi! I writing down to ask for some advice.

At the moment I am living with my  parents. My Mum is hermit BPD and although now she is doing much better and there are no big rows she is still so full and negativity and fakeness.

Staying at home with her is unbearable. She is ok but only hearing her fake tone of voice gives me the willies. Reminds me of so many things I hadn’t processed until now. I get the feeling there was much more manipulative abuse than I can remember and even physical abuse. I even was rude a couple of times, then feeling guilty and being worse. I lose full days without studying. It’s like my brain begs me for remembering what really happened in my childhood before I can do anything else. I feel trapped in this house.

I have to be really focused for important exams, if I pass them, I get a “job for life” and I would be independent forever. However, since I heard about BPD I’ve been breaking down and my capacity to study is gone, “my gift” is gone.

I have several options, like moving out, but I don’t have incomes I would be using my savings and I fear for my cat. My Mum is so easily distracted sometimes leaves the windows open in a fourth floor.

I thought about going to a therapist, but I am worried finding a good one and having some results take more time than I have.

The other option is just try to postpone my recovery and make a great effort studying don’t letting her affect me so much (final exams in December, it would be six months).Moving and therapist require a time that could make a difference in my exams results. If I could focused it would be perfect, as a year from now I would have incomes be independent and dedicate time to recovering.

Do you think this is possible for aprox 6 months or would it be even worse, drive me more crazy than I actually am? Anyone in therapy can advice if it would be worth it to start it right away or wait for having proper time? Has anyone struggled in these conditions? Any advice would be so welcomed as I am full of doubts

Thanks

[NervousGuy]

Hi January,

I know how you feel, because I'm stuck back living at home with my BPD Mom myself. Unfortunately, my college degree didn't set me up with the ability to be independent right out of the gates.

First of all, you have to do whatever is best for you. You can't let your future be jeopardized by your mother, so you need to reflect on what is exactly best for your future. I do recommend that you do find a therapist for the future, but at the same time it can be rather difficult to process things when you have something as demanding as those exams. I started therapy right after I finally got a full-time job, and it did sap my energy as I started to process traumatizing information.

Personally I'm in the same dilemma as my dad wants me to stay at home and pay off my student loans before I move out. I have a lot of debt like many recent college grads that keeps me up at night, and my job doesn't pay enough for me to really scrape by in an apartment and keep up with my debt. However, being stuck back at home is a toxic environment that hinders my development as an adult.

So my advice to you is if you honestly feel like being stuck with your mother is too toxic for you to properly study, then you need to remove yourself. See if you could stay with a relative, or friends, and if not then move out. The last thing you want to do is handicap yourself because of your mother.

[skelly_bean]

Do you think this is possible for aprox 6 months or would it be even worse, drive me more crazy than I actually am? Anyone in therapy can advice if it would be worth it to start it right away or wait for having proper time? Has anyone struggled in these conditions? Any advice would be so welcomed as I am full of doubts

I can only speak from my own experience. Sometimes your body and your mind doesn't give you a choice. I tried to push through an emotional crisis to finish school and I ended up falling into an extremely deep depression. A friend's mother told me "listen to your needs, your body is telling you you need a break." and that critical part of my brain thought "other people need breaks, I can keep pushing through." That depression set me back about 2 years or more in my degree. If I had started therapy earlier I may have been able to manage that crisis and avoid a lost year or so of depression, but I needed to learn the hard way I guess that I had limits and that I could only push myself so hard.

I know finishing school is important, and I know especially in my mid-twenties I was desperate to get my life started. Now in my late twenties I am just finishing up my degree and I have just as many opportunities as I did before, even more because now I have some very critical coping and life management skills at my disposal.

It is a simple concept (seems too simple) but this is how I judge whether or not to push forward. Listen to your body and your mind. Is it exhausted? Is it begging for a break? Does it need your love and attention? Take care of yourself when you need it. You are the best friend you can ever have.

[redfox]

Reading this post affected me profoundly because I was in your exact situation for years. I think I used to deflect the stress of my home life with the imaginative escape academic work offers, and I did extremely well in that sphere for a while, especially given my circumstances.Eventually, however, I shut down after working full time, going to school full time and coping with my family drama. I let my grades slip, gave up my undergraduate thesis and opted out of classes for an indefinite period in my senior year so I could move out. It'extremely scary to take a jump into that much independence when you have such limited means, but I truly believe e it is worth it. As others have said, a decision like this forces you to develop life management skills and emotional selfsufficiency. These are things any employer or graduate program will admire. I tell myself this as my education progress in the formal sense is stilled. I work double shifts as a waitress now; the pay is modest, but I can always pay my bills and even save a little if I practice discretion and self-control. The solitude, healthy atmosphere and feelings of empowerment living alone provides me with are invaluable. Your being removed from an environment controlled by your mother also means that you will have the ability to process and critically evaluate the things she has done.

[ScarletOlive]

Hi January86,

Ooh boy, I totally get how you feel hun. Having a breakthrough crisis and memories flood you while you're studying is so tough.   I've been there too. I certainly would recommend a therapist. When you first enter therapy, you usually focus on coping mechanisms and safety, which would aid you as you try to focus on studying.

For me, I ended up flooded with memories in the middle of school, and I couldn't turn them off. There are ways to cope with them though. You can journal to get the thoughts out of your head and on paper. Scheduling blocks of study time and study breaks at different intervals is also really helpful. You can also schedule pity parties at different times (and I'm serious, it works ). If being in the house causes you stress, you can change your study location by going to the library or to Starbucks.

Some other things you can try would be finding what relaxes you - warm baths, hot cocoa, cool lemonade, scented candles, soft music, whatever you like. This article really helped me too, because it gives relaxation techniques that you can take with you wherever you go: www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

Sending you lots of caring and support as you work through this.

[January86]

Hi! I wanted to thank you for your posts before,  but I had my first exam this weekend (4hours of exam, terrible!), I took your support with me .

I didn’t do a good exam  , the day before I had a very long argument with my Mum, I disclosured many of my thoughts and feelings, and although she admits some of it and says she regrets it, she made some comments that showed she’s only trying to protect herself now everything is “out” and also contradicted some things, well, the usual…It was my mistake to start it, but with bad sleeping and all this pressure I just couldn’t stop. I really need to learn to stop that, as anyway even if she says she is sorry it won’t change the past and the only result I get from it is feeling guilty.

Good news is I’m moving out . I found a flat I can afford sharing with my boyfriend, for two months. I feel therapy is too much for me right now, like, I just want to get away from this house to get space, think and calm down. Redfox, I get excited reading what you say about the solitude and healthy environment, I can’t wait.

I’ll try to figure out if I manage to study and being independent simultaneously. I have huge anxiety problems and living with my boyfriend is scary, I worry about not focusing in studying or needing more space right now, even though we are great together! Also I worry about my cat as I don't trust my Mum.Anyway, I will try, and if everything is ok I will look for a flat to share with students for next academic year as my boyfriend won’t be able to make it.

I should have clarified that what I am studying for is an after University course and the exams are official national exams for working in the Tax Agency, so if you pass them you have a job position guaranteed but on the other hand they are very difficult with many applicants.

I see most of you have been through this while still at Uni and I can’t imagine how terrible it must be, I really admire your strength , it must have felt like being totally trapped. I was so in the FOG by then. It is weird that I studied better in the FOG than now.

Nervousguy, how are you doing with your dilemma? Getting rid of those debts is tempting. I don’t know what to recommend you , as you see, I’m a mess myself heh. Maybe you can do half/half, stay just for a limited time and pay off a part of the debt? Are you dealing better with your BPD Mum after the therapy or is it even worse because of being aware of everyting?

ScarletOlive, thanks for the advices, I will definitely check the relaxation techniques and do the pity parties- I know they work! I normally write a diary but lately I haven’t because of lack of time for studying, sometimes it helps me but other times I have to say it just makes me think more and more.

[NervousGuy]

Nervousguy, how are you doing with your dilemma? Getting rid of those debts is tempting. I don’t know what to recommend you , as you see, I’m a mess myself heh. Maybe you can do half/half, stay just for a limited time and pay off a part of the debt? Are you dealing better with your BPD Mum after the therapy or is it even worse because of being aware of everyting?

Actually things got pretty ugly on Thursday because I triggered my mom's explosive rage, it all ended in my mom chastising me for being "arrogant" and an "intellectual snob" all because I tried to strike up a conversation with my sister (my fault for being ironic I suppose). I talked to some friend's who are looking for a roommate, but the rent is equal to what I pay in loan payments. Combined with the fact that I'd be 20 minutes farther from work and it seems to be unsustainable.

I'm glad to hear you're moving out at least. The least I could say about therapy is it helped me cope slightly better with the blowup, obviously I was emotionally hurt by her viciousness (I actually got reprimanded at work the next day because of being out of sorts), but at the same time I was better able to accept that a lot of her insane accusations are garbage. Furthermore, it helped me grasp the reality of the situation. When your own mother calls you an arrogant, elitist, snob with half a dozen curse words in between, it's hard for me to be delusional that at some point she's going to break down, admit she's wrong in a maudlin scene, and becoming the nurturing figure she never was.

In the mean time, I just resorted to refusing to acknowledge her existence, despite her attempts at baiting me. She can't fight me when I offer no resistance or aggression.