Healing/Therapeutic Separation (to SAVE the r/s not end it) - long

[byasliver]

It's been awhile since I've posted - lots going on which has led to this post. uBPDh is making progress but, I feel, leaning on his "I deny my feelings" as an excuse. Yes, it's great that he has reached a point of recognition but seems to be stuck there rather than working to change it. After several discussions with uBPDh, tons of soul searching, and a discussion with my T, we (my T and I) have come to the conclusion that my role in encouraging him to work on himself, my tiptoeing around his needs, etc. needs to start being less of a priority for me while my taking care of my own needs should become more of a priority. Not saying I'm not going to continue to help him, encourage him, etc. but that for the last few months the primary focus for BOTH of us has been HIS healing and growth. He has grown and healed enough to bear that responsibility for himself. Now, I need to focus more on ME. It quickly became clear that without clear guidelines for that, there would be major issues. To try to make things a little easier and smoother to handle, I came up with the following "Healing Separation Agreement." Keep in mind that this is more of an emotional separation than a physical one. Our house provides a layout which makes it possible for us to have some physical separation but our finances would not easily allow us to maintain two separate households. There are other factors involved which make it more sensible for us to remain in the same home. With that said, here is the agreement:

Healing Separation Agreement

A. Commitment to do a Healing Separation:

With the awareness that our love relationship is at a point of crisis, we choose to try a working and creative healing separation in order to obtain a better individual perspective of the future of our relationship. In choosing this healing separation, it is acknowledged there are aspects in our relationship that are destructive to us as a couple and as individuals. Likewise we acknowledge there are positive and constructive elements in our relationship which could be called assets and upon which we may be able to build a new and different relationship. With this in mind, we are committed to do the personal, social, psychological, and emotional work necessary to make this separation a healing one.

At some future time, when we have experienced the personal growth, self-exploration, and differentiation possible in a healing separation, we will make a more enlightened decision about the future of our love relationship.

B. Goals of Our Healing Separation:

Each partner agrees to the following goals for this separation:

• To provide time and emotional space outside of the love relationship so I can enhance my personal, social, spiritual, and emotional growth.

• To better identify my needs, wants, and expectations of the love relationship.

• To help me explore what my basic relationship needs are and to help me determine if these needs can be met in this love relationship.

• To allow me to determine if I can work through my process better apart than I can in the relationship.

• To experience enough emotional distance so I can separate out my issues, which have become convoluted and mixed up together with my partners’ issues in our relationship.

• To provide an environment to help our relationship heal, transform, and evolve into a more loving and healthy relationship.

C. Specific Decisions Regarding this Healing Separation:

1. Length of Separation:

We agree this separation will begin on May 27, 2013 and end on November 27, 2013.

We agree to review this separation agreement monthly to determine if any changes need to be made.

2. Time to be Spent Together:

We agree to spend time together when it is agreeable to both parties according to the following schedule and for the purposes listed.

Once Weekly Date. This time might be spent having fun, talking, dinner out, seeing a movie, etc. No current or past marital issues are to be discussed. Two hour minimum time limit.

Weekly Discussion/Sharing. This time might be spent discussing any personal growth we feel we have experienced, issues that may be important to us, and to work on relationship rebuilding. One hour minimum time limit.

3. Personal Growth Experiences:

Wife agrees to participate in:

hit_ individual counseling

hit_ other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

Husband agrees to participate in:

hit_ individual counseling

hit_ other personal growth experiences(reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth group)

4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship:

Wife agrees to:

hit_ maintain a support system of important friends

hit_ not date potential love partners

hit_ remain emotionally monogamous

hit_ remain sexually monogamous

John agrees to:

hit_ maintain a support system of important friends

hit_ not date potential love partners

hit_ remain emotionally monogamous

hit_ remain sexually monogamous

5. Living Arrangements:

Both parties currently agree to remain in the family home while maintaining separate sleeping arrangements and personal space. This can be reviewed and changed if mutually agreed upon by both parties.

6. Financial Decisions:

Wife agrees to:

hit_ maintain her bank accounts and to use those accounts for personal expenses and expenses for the three daughters. This shall include but not be limited to: personal and child related medical fees (such as copays but not to include payment of health/life insurance), gas for the minivan, school and other miscellaneous expenses for the girls, personal needs, etc.

hit_ use the joint bank account only for groceries, school and miscellaneous expenses that benefit shared son and/or the family as a whole.

Husband agrees to:

hit_ maintain joint accounts and to use those accounts for personal expenses and expenses benefitting the family as a whole. This shall include but not be limited to: household bills, gas for the car, payment of health and life insurances, etc.

D. Children Involved in this Relationship:

We agree to:

hit_ joint custody of the shared son with shared responsibility for disciplinary actions and for his emotional and physical wellbeing.

hit_ Wife will maintain primary custody of the three daughters. Necessary disciplinary actions and their emotional and physical wellbeing will remain her responsibility.

We agree to the following suggestions, designed to help the healing separation be a positive experience for our children:

1. Both parents remain committed to maintaining a good quality relationship with the shared son. He should continue to feel loved by both parents.

2. When he feels emotionally able, Husband should begin to develop positive relationships with each of the three daughters. During the time of this healing separation, he should accept his relationship with them as a stepparent who wants to know and love them but not as one who is ultimately responsible for them.

3. Parents should be as open and honest with the children about the Healing Separation as is appropriate.

4. The parents will help the children see and understand that the separation is an adult problem and that the children are not responsible for the problems in the parent’s love relationship.

5. The parents will not express anger or negative feelings towards the other parent or children through the children. It is very destructive to children to become caught in the emotional crossfire of the parents.

6. The parent will avoid forcing the children to take sides in the parental arguments concerning differing attitudes and viewpoints.

7. The parent will not put the children in a position of spying and reporting on the behavior of the other parent

8. Both parents will work on and complete the free online Anger Management class available through Fight4Kids.com. The course contains several modules and the goal will be to complete one module per week.

9. After completing the Anger Management Class, both parents will work on and complete the free online parenting class available through Fight4Kids.com. The course contains several modules and the goal will be to complete one module per week.

E. Signing the Agreement:

We have read and discussed the above Healing Separation Agreement and agree to the above terms of the agreement. Each of us furthermore agrees to inform the other partner of any desire to modify or change any terms in the agreement, or to terminate the agreement.

Wife ____________________hit Date _______________

Husband ____________________hit Date _______________

On the pages following the above are spaces for recording the details of weekly dates and discussions and a page for each monthly review where we can list any suggestions we agree to.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byasliver]

After showing this to him and reviewing it, I added a marriage strengthening course and a family night to the time spent together section. The relief and freedom I feel is indescribable. This agreement is something we have discussed several times over the last several months but could never really come to an agreement on. Now we finally have and it feels like a tremendous step forward. This is IT - the make or break point for us. I finally feel like we have a clear path that will lead us to healing and conclusion - either together or separately but that decision will be made with healthy boundaries and healthy mindsets.

Ironically, the agreement ends approximately one month before our eighth wedding anniversary. I look forward to celebrating that day as one of healing: either celebrating a more healthy marriage or a new path of singledom but with strength and the knowledge that I gave it my best.

[byasliver]

Giving this a bump since I'd really appreciate some feedback on this - good/bad/indifferent.

[patientandclear]

BAS -- I think it's great if you both think it's great, if that makes sense.  If he has already seen it & responded well, fantastic (and I gather he has?)

It's so formal that I can imagine it might put him off -- that's my only reservation.  But if in fact he is not put off, disregard that entirely.

You have another thread saying you were feeling done but then that you were feeling compassion for him since he identifies you as the source of all the hurt and bad news he's endured in recent years.  Where do things stand between the two of you right now?

[byasliver]

We tried informal agreements several times and they never worked. He was very willing to put things in writing and signed it w/o issue. It has been a week since then and the agreement seems to be helping.

I responded to the other thread earlier. It was moved to the Undecided thread but I don't really consider myself undecided yet. Yes, I am realistically looking at the possibility that things simply may not work out but I'm still committed to giving it my all.

I don't really know how to say things are now. He is not raging but there are still issues with him not considering my feelings. With the realization I had about him possibly seeing me as being at fault for a very traumatic period of his life, I am doing a lot of reading about Complex-PTSD. The symptoms are nearly identical to BPD. I had looked into it before but with all his denials about having been through trauma, PTSD didn't seem to fit. However, now looking at C-PTSD, it's starting to seem more possible. Either way, I know that until he fully realizes his own feelings and deals with them, there won't be any genuine and lasting progress. I have an appointment with my T in a couple of days and will discuss things with him then. Mostly, right now I have shifted my focus to be more on myself. My T agreed with me recently that I have done the work on myself in terms of improving my relationship skills and in encouraging him. My husband seems to have healed enough that I shouldn't have to work so hard now to simply interact with him and I need to give him back some of the responsibility for his own actions. So now, I'm focusing more on myself. I bought some self-exploration journals and I'm working through those.

I will say that the agreement has helped tremendously with boundaries and has been hugely relieving for me. There are definite do's/don't's and clear expectations along with a defined deadline. Things don't feel quite as "in limbo" as they did before.