Ever have a dream that make you want to break NC?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok - so I was fine.  I missed her but for the most part I was fine.  Then I had a dream last night about her.  And I've woken up  feeling like I was just with and now I really need to have some kind of contact with her.   The worst part is it wasn't even a good dream!  It gave me all the anxiety and doubt and negative stomach turning stress that I use to feel!  But wow - is this ever powerful.  I really hope I don't have more of these dreams. 

[Tordesillas]

Ok - so I was fine.  I missed her but for the most part I was fine.  Then I had a dream last night about her.  And I've woken up  feeling like I was just with and now I really need to have some kind of contact with her.   The worst part is it wasn't even a good dream!  It gave me all the anxiety and doubt and negative stomach turning stress that I use to feel!  But wow - is this ever powerful.  I really hope I don't have more of these dreams. 

[Bananas]

Oh yes!  The funny thing is that in the two years we were in a r/s I only had bad dreams about him.  We were always fighting.  Now the dreams I have are good, happy dreams.  Still produces that same feeling in my gut. UGH!

[Tordesillas]

Honestly I don't think I've ever had a good dream about her!  Even when I was with her they would always be subconscious manifestations of my stress and anxiety.  Its so crazy how even with such obviously negative feelings attached to someone  you can still want to be in their presence again. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I used to have dreams with her in them all the time, all different, but always the same theme; she's with some guy and is completely ignoring me.  That was the core of our relationship to me, I never trusted her, and knew she wasn't faithful, even though she lied about it frequently.

I choose to believe that's my subconscious processing the trauma, and is an indication of how deep she got into my psyche, and why this is all so difficult, hell, there's even this website.  But it's been a while now, I haven't dreamt about her in a while, but a recent one was of us sitting down and having a lucid heart to heart conversation, which pretty much never happened in the relationship, but happened now in my dreams, as my mind heals itself.  It felt good, and it's good to know that we have the ability to self-correct and self-soothe, while a BPD certainly does not.

[Sango216]

Hi Tordesillas!

Those dreams are the worst.  I've had two of them since I last spoke to him.  The first was a couple of weeks after he painted me black.  In that one, I tried to text him, only I received a message saying I had been blocked from contacting him.  I woke up really upset.  The thought of him blocking me (even in a dream), broke my heart. 

The second dream occurred a couple of days ago.  He and I were e-mailing one another and I accidentally sent him a message that was meant for someone up here.  In that message, I mentioned how I think his father has a lot to do with his abandomment issues.  I never got to see his response, but when I woke up I was sweating and scared.  I remember thinking "You've done it now.  He's going to let you have it worse than he ever has before.  He's going to ask you who you've been talking to about him, he's going to tell you that you betrayed his trust, etc."  That dream and the way I felt when I woke up really made me realize how unhealthy our relationship was.  I'm afraid to hear what he has to say at this point because the last time we spoke, his words cut me so deeply.  What's worse is he did it intentionally, telling me "If I'm going to feel heartbreak, you're going to feel it with me."  It's like I just saw a billboard that says "Love doesn't mean being afraid of your partner."

[Tordesillas]

I hear you.  I think right now I'm mostly feeling angry that she has had this kind of impact on me.  That this is the mark that she left.  She gets to take away all the love and understanding and unconditional sacrifice and everything else I gave her... . and I get bad dreams reliving the drama and pain. 

[Sango216]

I'm not sure if many people will agree with this, but in my opinion anger is a good sign.  Maybe it will prevent you from recycling in the event that she reaches out to you.  With time you'll be able to let it go and move forward. 

I think my personal grieving stages are like this:  sadness/depression, anger, numbness.  Right now I'm sort of transitioning from anger to numbness and to be honest, I love it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I hear you.  I think right now I'm mostly feeling angry that she has had this kind of impact on me.  That this is the mark that she left.  She gets to take away all the love and understanding and unconditional sacrifice and everything else I gave her... . and I get bad dreams reliving the drama and pain. 

Hi Tordesillas!  A couple things: We can use the anger as motivation to grow, so we never, ever get into a situation with a mentally disordered person again.  Wasted anger otherwise.  And maybe the bad dreams aren't you reliving the hell, but processing it, purging your subconscious of it, healing yourself, part of the process.  We have the ability to self-soothe, BPD's do not, we get relief from the disorder in time, they never do.