why do they never give closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I can't understand why they just drop out of sight with no closure. All I need is a message telling me to go to He@# or one saying I'm done, its over something to help me move on. He always, always has in the past come back, but I just wish he would give me final closure. Is it because they don't know what they want? Is it because we're not worth closure to them? Why is it so difficult for them to just say goodbye.

[benny2]

I can't understand why they just drop out of sight with no closure. All I need is a message telling me to go to He@# or one saying I'm done, its over something to help me move on. He always, always has in the past come back, but I just wish he would give me final closure. Is it because they don't know what they want? Is it because we're not worth closure to them? Why is it so difficult for them to just say goodbye.

[Blessed0329]

My ex has a tendency to "collect" people. Although I was very significant to him for a period of time, I believe I am now relegated to his collection. While he fears true closeness, he fears being alone more. I believe that many people with BPD simply cannot bring themselves to completely let go of us. It's too terrifying to not be able, in their minds, to return.

[Newton]

benny2 lets flip this on it's head for a minute.  PwBPD utilize us to ease their fears and reject us with the same motivation.  Nowhere in this dynamic is a requirement to give us anything unless it facilitates what they need in a particular given moment... . so why would they close the door on someone (or perhaps something) they may require in the future?... .

This isn't about us... .

That understanding is brutal when it hits home... . and it's essential for our recovery.

Closure comes from us having the strength not to re engage with them... .

[mango_flower]

Agree with Blessed.  They hate goodbyes, so they look at it as they're going away. And just not coming back. But the option is still there for them, in their minds, if they haven't given you closure. (Even if the option is not there and you'd never take them back!).

Closure is about power.  They will not afford you that power because then you can move on.  Then they have to accept you don't need or want them anymore.  And even if they don't want you, they want to know you want them still... . power, control, whatever.  Yuck.

[eng123]

Based on a couple recent posts of yours - I think that I experienced something similar to what you are going through.

She just disappeared.  She did not show up for a planned evening get together.  Absolutely no word of cancellation.  No arguments, no troubles... .

I was terrified for her, I thought she was in some terrible accident or something.

Just cutoff without a word.  I felt like it could not be happening or real.  It is beyond comprehension... . no clues, no warnings.  :)evastating.

How could anyone be so hurtful, thoughtless, even malicious - it is BPD for sure.

Describing the situation to anyone who has not dealt with BPD would think that we were lying or out of our minds.  We could not be so blind or stupid.

It is the BPD.  The more sudden the cutoff, and the longer it goes without a word - believe me, you will slowly begin to realize over time that it is the BPD.

[benny2]

You know this is really hitting home for me now. The collectables, I have always thought of myself has being someone he can pull out of the closet when in need. The never being able to say goodbye, he always told me," never say goodbye" when I would go somewhere, it was always "later" He told me a long time ago that goodbye was to final. When he asked me to move in with him and purchased a home for "us" that is now called "his" as I moved out, I believe it was only because he was worried about making ends meet and being alone, not the fact that he wanted a life with me. Wow, why has it taken me so many years to see this, but I think it is slowly sinking in.

[benny2]

Years ago I did take away that power to not allow him to re engage with me. I was married and so was he. He would call me, I would not answer, show up at my work, and I would drive right past him. It seemed that made him pursue me even more. I feel like no matter what I do I will never be free of this man. He once made a comment to me not to long ago that he will never leave me alone. If there was ever anything he said in truth, I think it was that. I know I have to close the door on him for good, no matter if its 2 years down the road and he trys to re engage with me. He is my weakness and although now I know of the BPD, its taking awhile to understand the need for him to keep me in his life is not because I am someone he loves and wants in his life, its because I am someone who is there when he needs.

[whatisthetruth]

benny - i hear ya.

she told me that she will "never let go" of me

but today she is in a hatred cycle, cold, ignoring and indifferent so i am assuming maybe she is detaching?

ah who knows... . but i definitely feel she sucks people in her life sort of collecting them... . for some future use

[delani]

My exbf (I think he has BPD, but I am careful with that... . ) said, that he had too many things going wrong in his life at the moment and he needs time to deal with them (family issues and being unexpectedly drafted for military service), so he wanted to finish the relationship, later changing it to "I just need time". I told him I could wait for him for the one year of military service and for this I asked him several times: if he feels the same way I do about this relationship, if he does then I want to wait, if not, then it is ok too. He had so many chances to end it and get out of it, but he didn't and I waited... . being understanding that the very little contact we had was due to his anger over the mess in his life and him being in the army. But it all felt right, because I was willing to give one year for our future after the 6 months of a perfect relationship we had in the beginning. There were no red flags, but I knew he is very sensitive and moody and had been through a lot. I walked on eggshells and I could tell how it took him a lot of energy as well to be nice to me when he was actually angry about his life.

One year later he finished it with a very short e-mail saying it is over, one week later one more using words that I never heard him say before - "painting me black". I was devastated. And one month later one more e-mail like this, even demanding money as compensation. I now find out that he NEVER was in the army.

Anyways... . to why they never give closure... . in my case I think: If he would finish the relationship, he would be the "bad" one, (1) ending it after a perfect relationship, (2) making me wait, (3) lying to me. I am sure he would have carried it on and not finished it by e-mail, but I think he became aware that I would soon find out about his lies and because of his lies there is no way back.

I didn't react to any of his messages and blocked FB etc. He clearly can see that I decided to be in NC and to keep it this way. I also believe he will keep the "black image" of me (telling from what he wrote in that e-mails) and deep down (maybe it is stupid of me to think that) he feels ashamed and guilty about it all. He always acted like he is a person of pride. So he won't come back, it would be too embarrassing for him.

[benny2]

delani, OMG, that must have been such a shock to find out you waited 1 year for him only to learn it was all a lie. Well, not sure but it does sound like BPD traits, especially the painted black which is so often used in personality disorders. Well if he swallows his pride and trys to come back, then I'd say for sure its BPD because they always seem to come back.

[delani]

Thanks benny2. It wasn't all a lie... . in the beginning there was really the problem with military service, but he someway got out off it... . be he just kept telling me he is in the army.

For the BPD traits... . this was just a short version of a long story. There are many more BPD traits that match, but I am not a psychologist, just reading about BPD makes me understand/ gives sense to a mystery of 1.5 years. We recycled once, but now I am sure he moved on as he tore down all the bridges.

It would be easier to "paint him black" too, but I feel sorry for him and wish he would get help (he once said he feels, that there is something wrong with him).

So in my point of view/experience, I guess if they are "high functioning" they know when they have torn down all the brigdes and there is no way back. If they still would, they would feel embarrassed and "not normal" infront of their friends and family.

[confetti]

ego death.

[jmc8899]

Mine will never give closure.   And he always recycles.   In fact, he is back with his ex currently - they have broken up at least 15 times.   I think once they have shown someone their dark side and that person still loves and accepts them, it is difficult for them to completely let them go.   And they think that no matter how horribly they treated you, if you truly care you will take them back.  

[benny2]

yep going through that right now in fact. I told him of the disorder, he was angry at first, but now is talking more friendly. I felt bad telling him these things and know that the abuse from his father was a factor in it, so I brought my guard down again. Told him, I care, I still love him and I'm afraid have set myself up for another recycle. He knows he has something wrong, so hopefully he will accept it and get help but I feel maybe we are on a different path now that this has been brought out in the open and he is not totally shutting me out.

[delani]

Benny2, I think it is good, that you told him. I wish I had known and had the chance to tell him (because he also said that he thinks something is wrong with him), but I am not in the position to tell him now anymore :-( .  Which makes me really sad and makes it difficult to move on.

I read many things on the "staying" forum, which tell me it is a hard road if you decide to help and to be there for him. If I would have the choice, I would... . maybe as a friend though, because I am not sure anymore who he really is and if what he might claim to be "love" maybe is just "need".

[caughtnreleased]

I read that in the same way they can't commit to being WITH someone, they can't commit to completely leaving someone either.  They are stuck in some kind of hellish middle which ends up being the worst of both worlds.  We should consider ourselves lucky that we don't have this... . and make sure they don't keep dragging us into their hell.

[LosingIt2]

Where did you read that unhooking?

[caughtnreleased]

In a book on commitmentphones " he's scared she's scared" . It didn't specifically say that it was people with BPD who did this but those who ran from commitment but kept recycling, or "collected" people who in their minds they could always go back to but actually never did since they were incapable of having truly committed relationships. I found it to be an interesting insight that makes a lot of sense.

[redfeather]

they drop out of sight with no closure because they have hooked up with someone new and you are no longer needed... . harsh but true... .  Conversely,

they dont give closure because they know deep inside how screwed up they are and may need you as back up when they put the torch to the latest :the one" Love of their lives" "babe". THEN they go back in time or to a newbie to troll for new emotional sustenance.

They will almost never go away... . Mine having not seen nor heard from me ( I went 100% No Contact on my own when I figured what kind of looney I had hooked into)  STILL til this day contacts me randomy but persistently. I get so many random txts, hang up phone calls, facebook creeps it boggles the mind.

But she bit off way more than she could chew with me. She acted like a A-1 jackass I put her in the wind... . it hurt temporarily but over the 18 months I havent spoken to her she has pretty much moved from mark to mark. Or babe to babe. No healthy human male or female falls in love that many times (8 so far) in 18 months. 

[leftbehind]

they drop out of sight with no closure because they have hooked up with someone new and you are no longer needed... . harsh but true... .

Yup, this is my ex.

[bb12]

It's a needs-based disorder and as Newton alluded to, life only ever concerns them. If they still need us, they don't close the door properly. Their language is very vague. Never a complete 'go away!'. But as they groom new supply, one of two things happen: they need us less and less and when this need has dissipated to a manageable level they focus on new supply and don't spare us a seconf thought;  or they split us, resent us for making them needy and hate us now, so why would they communicate again. In both scenarios, it is completely about them. When you look back on the entire r/s you will realise that it always was.

BB12

[tailspin]

When someone cannot face their own truth you cannot possibly expect them to face your own. 

One of the reasons we're attracted to these relationships is because we are allowed and encouraged to chase after someone's approval.  Do your homework and find out what compels you to do this.  I promise the answer to this question will give you the closure you desire. 

tailspin