To dig or not to dig?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok - so certain red flags from the distant past of this relationship are starting to nag at me.  Specifically her ex bf, who she always painted as abusive and completely nuts.  Very early in our relationship she was very adamant that I block him on facebook.  It was really the only way he would have to contact me and while she said it was because she didn't want him to stir up any drama, I'm now wondering if it was because she feared him trying to tell me something she didn't want him to. 

Has anyone ever done any digging and found it helpful to get some closure regardless of what they found out?

[Tordesillas]

Ok - so certain red flags from the distant past of this relationship are starting to nag at me.  Specifically her ex bf, who she always painted as abusive and completely nuts.  Very early in our relationship she was very adamant that I block him on facebook.  It was really the only way he would have to contact me and while she said it was because she didn't want him to stir up any drama, I'm now wondering if it was because she feared him trying to tell me something she didn't want him to. 

Has anyone ever done any digging and found it helpful to get some closure regardless of what they found out?

[mango_flower]

There was a thread on here about 3 or 4 months back with something similar... . and I remember one poster found out loads, and there was an obvious pattern.

Seemed to help him, but don't remember the general consensus.  Maybe if you look back a few months you'll find it? (would be a lot of work though I guess!)

I don't think I'd go looking for stuff... . I'd be too paranoid that I'd ask the wrong person and they'd get in touch to let her know I'd been asking, then my life wouldn't be worth living!

But I believe that things will eventually come out... . life has a habit of making you bump into random people at random times.  It's already happened once to me, bumped into a friend of her ex-friend, and the story I heard from him was VERY different from the one I heard from my ex... . made me more sure I was better off now, so it definitely helped.

[Tordesillas]

I hear that... . I guess part of me is totally prepared for it to be bad and for me to find out things that are painful, but I almost want her to know that I know!  I don't like feeling like she pulled one over on me.  I want her to know that she wasn't able to fool me.  Maybe it's futile cause she'd find a way to twist it in her mind into me being the bad guy rather than a moment of humility and clarity.  I just don't like being made out a fool.

[mango_flower]

Ah now I see it the other way! 

I'd be happy if this was a pattern, as it would absolve me of blame.

If she was all lovely and sweet before, and this was a one off, I'd be convinced it must have been me that sent her into meltdown! x

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience was all of her exes were painted black and complete scumbags, and I was the knight in shining armor initially, as she idolized and mirrored me.  It became clear that if I had talked to any of those exes I would have heard another side of the story, probably nowhere near as bad, and I would probably connect with the dude on the same things about her.  She was always compelled to construct her own reality by spinning a web of convoluted lies, with the root being she had such a low opinion of herself that no one would ever want to be with her if they new the real her, and she feared abandonment most, so paint a rosy picture with lies.  And of course the painted black ex was mostly projection by her due to an inability to face her own shame.  Sick shat.

So I ask my self Why was I compelled to dig and look?  Because I didn't trust her, which created the uneasy feeling for the entire relationship, and part of catching her in a lie would have meant the uneasiness was warranted and I really wasn't going crazy.  Very sick relationship if you think about it, all the product of idealization, mirroring, projection, fantasy, susceptibility, and a toxic bond.  Time to heal and create relationships based on trust, respect, openness, vulnerability, intimacy, connection, you know, the real deal, after our 'lessons' in hell.

[Bananas]

But I believe that things will eventually come out... . life has a habit of making you bump into random people at random times.  It's already happened once to me, bumped into a friend of her ex-friend, and the story I heard from him was VERY different from the one I heard from my ex... . made me more sure I was better off now, so it definitely helped.

I agree with this.  I work with my ex.  I remember lamenting to my therapist about "why can't he just go work somewhere else".  She said "the universe is not going to let you off that easy".   Well I guess the universe will also show you things.

Keep in mind, no one at work knows we were intimate as it is frowned upon.     

A few weeks ago I was sitting next to a male coworker that I barely know at a meeting.  My ex walks in, looks toward us and goes out of his way to the other side of the room.  The coworker sitting next to me says "we used to be best friends a few years ago and he just cut me out of his life one day with no explanation".  My jaw dropped.

Then, last week one of my exes employees stopped me in the hall to tell me that my ex lost it at work, stormed out of his office yelling at his whole department.  Then the next day he laughed it off. 

Also, I know one of his exes at work.  I know about her but she doesn't know about me.  I noticed he gets extremely agitated when he sees us talking.  He told me she was crazy, and I should never talk to her, now I am sure he tells the new one we are both crazy!

[patientandclear]

Yep.  My ex used to work with me.  When we started dating, I asked if there was anyone in the office it would hurt.  He named one younger woman and said they were friends and he had had to maintain boundaries there.  I swallowed this without a question or doubt.

Very shortly after that, he asked if I was close to a certain other woman in the office.  I said no.  He made no further comment, except she popped up in a story he told later about how she was helping him with some research a few years before when he was traveling.  I said "oh, I didn't realize you were friends?"  Yes, he said, they were friends.

Also, once he told me he was worried I'd found out about his reputation around the office and left him (when I didn't text back immediately).  I was so trusting and secure I didn't even ask "ah, what reputation do you have?"

After he left me, I found out from mutual friends that he had told both women he was in love with them, and was considering making a permanent commitment to them.  There were also many others, in and out of the office.  So yes, the universe has a way of helping us have information we should have; and I am with MF, it makes it much easier to be aware that the hurtful behavior is an entrenched pattern, not particular to us.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I got into contact with my exBPDs ex wife. Best thing I ever did for me personally. SHowed me how sick he really is. Basically every story he ever told me was a flat out lie. Not even all distortions of the truth just making up crazy stuff that never happened. You can read my old posts but the craziest one I heard is that she came into his work one day and assaulted him. She hadn't been in the state we live in since their divorce many years prior. She left the state to get away from him! There are so many lies that it makes me ill to think of them but yes, it did help me.