She contacts me again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Received another text today, telling me she is off to see a mutual friend who lives in Spain, to get away!

Also to tell me she had a dream, and she rarely dreams, it was about me picking her up from the airport when she arrives in Spain! 

Then another message just saying OK but by what's app!

I thought I may of been completely painted black as I didn't wish her a Happy Birthday last week!

To get away, it's like she is the victim, I never finished with her ever, it was her every time!

[neesieden]

Received another text today, telling me she is off to see a mutual friend who lives in Spain, to get away!

Also to tell me she had a dream, and she rarely dreams, it was about me picking her up from the airport when she arrives in Spain! 

Then another message just saying OK but by what's app!

I thought I may of been completely painted black as I didn't wish her a Happy Birthday last week!

To get away, it's like she is the victim, I never finished with her ever, it was her every time!

[slimmiller]

This behaviour is not unusual. Shes sending out feelers to see where you stand, or in other words she is trying to figure out what you might be worth to her if she needs something. Even if its just emotional support or what ever. Its how her mind works.

Its torture depending on how it ended for you.

Was there ever closure?

[tootsie2705]

I have left 3 times in the last 13 yrs and got sucked back in every time. I am presently making preparations to leave.  This time I will only leave a forwarding address of a relative in the event that I need to be contacted.

I am changing email, getting a disposable phone and not saying where I might be going.

I cannot live in the insanity any longer. Once I have truly accepted the fact that he is mentally ill and refuses to acknowledge it or seek treatment, I can do nothing. I have tried to help and be supportive but it has been at a great cost.

They will never stop calling or writing. My therapist told me not to answer. 

I am working hard on not letting guilt get in my way. This illness is no one's fault but when only one person is trying to deal with and help it won't work. 

I know I will have a rough few months when I do leave but I have to do it for my sake.  I can no longer just exist, I want to live.

[neesieden]

I did answer and feel ok!

I replied, cool enjoy!  Sounds like something I would of done!

She then replied as soon as she had landed!

Thank god you messaged :-) xx

Also

Yes I guess it is. Just landed. Waiting for my bag :-) x

I haven't replied!

I don't think she really gets the damage she has done to me, yes I'm moving on but I was at a point not so long ago that I didn't want to continue, I don't think I could ever forgive her for making me feel like that. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Neesieden,

To me this is quite typical behavior, because those w/BPD have such strong feelings of abandonment that it is extremely difficult for them to let go.  You could say that they are "clingers."  They have an intense need someone to project their emotional upheaval upon others and will use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate you in order to get their emotional needs met.  You should anticipate that you will hear from her, in my view, so it is crucial for you to establish and maintain strong boundaries.  Those w/BPD have no regard for boundaries and will walk all over you, if you allow them, so be ready.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[neesieden]

I only replied once to the previous messages, now received a couple more!

Come on England! X

Sorry... . Would you prefer I didn't message you

?

I don't know what to do?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello, again, Neesieden,  It's your call, of course, and part of it involves establishing the boundaries that you want going forward.  Think about it; what's your gut feeling?  You don't have to respond every time or even anytime she sends you a text message.  Where do you see this going?  Presumably you are here on the Leaving Board for a reason.  If you are undecided, maybe you should switch over to that Board . . .

Listen not only to your head, but to your heart and your gut, and I think you will discover the right course of action for you.  Good luck, LuckyJim

[neesieden]

By contacting her it doesn't mean I want a relationship with her, I feel I have boundaries and I feel maybe this is my chance of letting her see that, she made me hurt so bad, and for closure for myself.

I feel I am able to have boundaries and I will keep to them this time.  Her reaching out to me is her issues, but it just may be what I need to be in control and to move forward with my life, getting so much off my chest.

Will keep you updated!

[slimmiller]

By contacting her it doesn't mean I want a relationship with her, I feel I have boundaries and I feel maybe this is my chance of letting her see that, she made me hurt so bad, and for closure for myself.I feel I am able to have boundaries and I will keep to them this time.  Her reaching out to me is her issues, but it just may be what I need to be in control and to move forward with my life, getting so much off my chest.

Will keep you updated!

If you are able to proceed and maintain boundaries there is a slight chance that this will work for you. My expereince tells me though that its very unlikely. If you do get closure and an aknowledgement from her that she hurt you it will more then likely be a byproduct of something else. In other words, she will probably NOT give it to you unless you can manage to force her to. Then she may give you closure and acknowledgement IF she thinks she can get something from you in return, as in emotional support, validation etc.

Remember in BPD its about THEM always was and always will be. (Unless of course there is some serious effert at major counseling)

I think of it like this, people get hurt and the normal mind works like this; say I get hurt accidently by someone physically as in someone bumping into me, the person will say sorry and if we show them the wound the person will be 'empathetic' and wish for it to heal. The one with BPD will blame us for being in their way or somehow it was your fault. Not only that instead of wishing it to heal they will very gladly rub salt in the wound instead if it gives them some sort of power, control or something in return