Conditonal uBPD moms love...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a meltdown Sunday after my daughters recital (she was amazing and my Husband and I were so so proud of her), I thought I handled the day well, was not too anxious, invited them to sit with us when a few seats opened up, because their tickets were a little farther back, although still good seats to see from (she declined very rudely).  I was hurt that she blatantly ignored me when we were done and while everyone was taking pictures with and of my daughter, not even a hello, no eye contact, but I let it roll off my back, or so I thought.

That night my Husband and I were talking and I broke down, I just do not understand how someone can just not care, I know it is the illness and I know that BPDs are not rational people, but when I look at my kids I can not ever imagine not talking to them, or ever treating them the way she treats me ad my Husband.  

I also got upset because I feel like why do I have to keep doing the right thing and letting them come to things for the kids when this is what happens to me every single time.  They are my Kids dammit and I am their Mother, and I deserve to be acknowledged.  If it weren't for my Husband and I they wouldn't be here.

So here I am still stuck in this cycle of sadness and pain and anger and resentment... . words of advice, thoughts, I don't know how to go from here :'(

[donniesgrrl]

I had a meltdown Sunday after my daughters recital (she was amazing and my Husband and I were so so proud of her), I thought I handled the day well, was not too anxious, invited them to sit with us when a few seats opened up, because their tickets were a little farther back, although still good seats to see from (she declined very rudely).  I was hurt that she blatantly ignored me when we were done and while everyone was taking pictures with and of my daughter, not even a hello, no eye contact, but I let it roll off my back, or so I thought.

That night my Husband and I were talking and I broke down, I just do not understand how someone can just not care, I know it is the illness and I know that BPDs are not rational people, but when I look at my kids I can not ever imagine not talking to them, or ever treating them the way she treats me ad my Husband.  

I also got upset because I feel like why do I have to keep doing the right thing and letting them come to things for the kids when this is what happens to me every single time.  They are my Kids dammit and I am their Mother, and I deserve to be acknowledged.  If it weren't for my Husband and I they wouldn't be here.

So here I am still stuck in this cycle of sadness and pain and anger and resentment... . words of advice, thoughts, I don't know how to go from here :'(

[lessdramanow]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't believe BPDs would do that to a family member too. Everything they do is for themselves without regard to others.  We finally quit inviting my MIL to the events and it has been such a major relief since. (now NC)  When we first started before NC, we felt a little guilty, but it was a huge relief and great to watch the kids' school concerts without having to take our focus off our kids. She always created drama there.

Ask yourself what you want your memories looking back to be. How is it with her there? How are other occasions without her there? What kind of example do you want to set for your daughter regarding her seeing this type of behavior from your mother towards you?

I know it is so hard trying to always figure out what your plan is regarding her, but you do have options you can try and although not perfect you can do some things to bring more peace to your life. (Sometimes it feels like it's not possible though).  I also realize the fear and guilt that the BPD parent places on their child, and what "wrath" they're capable of.  It often helps to think of your child and use that love and strength when having to go up against your Mom. Very hard, but worth it in our experience. (H and me).

[mcdoogle]

Here's a little thought experiment I've been working on lately... .

What happens when the pwBPD starts to treat YOUR children the way you are being treated? Do you want your kids to feel that rejection, pain, guilt, etc?

The answers might help guide you... .

[donniesgrrl]

Here's a little thought experiment I've been working on lately... .

What happens when the pwBPD starts to treat YOUR children the way you are being treated? Do you want your kids to feel that rejection, pain, guilt, etc?

The answers might help guide you... .

In a way she does already, my Breakthrough came because I saw some of the same demanding and perfectionist behavior being demonstrated towards my 4 year old, and she also withholds birthday presents (which really is of little importance to me since both kids get plenty of presents from others and never notice) she never calls to check on them or asks ME to come see them, she shows up at my sisters house (their sitter) unannounced and spends time with my kids without asking me if it is OK.  She is very underhanded, and I know that as they get older it is only going to get worse.

I remember very clearly when I was little there were not many issues but as soon as I started going through my tweens and teens, that is when the rages would start, the odd behavior of never letting anyone come over to the house unless it was a planned event, the strict strict boundaries and sometimes physical abuse.  As I got older and went to college she had these unrealistic expectations, I remember when her and mt enstepdad came to a football game to see me in the marching band and even though I went out to dinner with them she got crazy upset when I told them I had plans to go to a party at 930 that night.  said I was an awful daughter because I should want to spend more time with them etc etc.  It got even worse when I got married, she expected me to call her everyday, asked inappropriate sexual questions, always invited herself to things we were doing with our kids and getting crazy upset if we said no we are doing this alone.  I get scared because I sometimes feel like she thinks my kids are her kids, like there is no separation.

I just hate that I feel so guilty and like it is going to hurt my kids if they are not invited, I know they are young, but my daughter asks about them every once in awhile and I know she would be hurt.

[cleotokos]

  I get scared because I sometimes feel like she thinks my kids are her kids, like there is no separation.

Does it feel like she thinks your kids are her kids, or like your kids are her property? Just curious because I always felt growing up that my mom thought I was her property.

[GeekyGirl]

I know where you're coming from, donniesgrrl, and I know how exhausting it can be to do the right thing.   

I just hate that I feel so guilty and like it is going to hurt my kids if they are not invited, I know they are young, but my daughter asks about them every once in awhile and I know she would be hurt.

That's what I'd focus on.  What you're doing is role modeling good behavior for your kids and showing them a) how to set appropriate boundaries and b) their needs are important to you.

That said, I know it hurts that they chose to distance themselves from you and makes it all the tougher to invite them.

[donniesgrrl]

  I get scared because I sometimes feel like she thinks my kids are her kids, like there is no separation.

Does it feel like she thinks your kids are her kids, or like your kids are her property? Just curious because I always felt growing up that my mom thought I was her property.

Absolutely! I always felt that way, especially when I pierced my belly button and she went ballistic, god knows how she would react if she knew about my tattoo LOL.  She always used to say things like MY Daughter, MY Grandkids... . it was a little creepy to be honest... . so very possesive.