Agreed to get help, but having doubts

[Jeansok]

Hey there, my H is BPD, though hasn't been formally diagnosed. It's like reading my life story what I've seen on here. My husband recently agreed to see someone "with me". If you read my introduction post it will explain my situation. But basically we will have been married 2 years this October and have a one year old. I have a 7 year old from a previous marriage. I didn't know what in the word was wrong w/my husband for about a year and a half then started researching some things. At first I thought bipolar, but BPD explains him to a T. As I mentioned he's agreed to get help, though I'm not even sure he knows what he has. I talked about it to the therapist we will be seeing briefly so at least she has an idea of the situation. My H made the comment today that we might only need to see her a couple of times... . hmm. We will see... .

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[jrx]

Sounds like getting into counseling is a good first step. Is your H willing to get a formal diagnosis? If he can own up to having a disorder, which often involves the formal opinion of a trusted resource, he may be more willing to give counseling more time.

Having been to couples counseling, they may not be looking for signs of a disorder. In fact, they can be obscured when the politics of having a third person is introduced. Counselors are supposed to be neutral (it's not arbitration), but they're human, and some people can be very charming when they need to be.

If it's not couples counseling you're talking about, and instead, it's going to a p-doc or psychologist, I wish you the best and hope you call BS on him when you need to 

[Jeansok]

Thx jrandom! Yeah its a psych who specializes in personality disorders among other things... . I talked to her letting her know what I think but course time will tell I guess. Yeah and he's an expert charmer ;-)  She will see us both separate then together. Me first... . ive about had it with the bs so im not going to settle on this one. Not when my children and life well being depend on it. I want this to work more than anything in the world tho so we shall see. Our apots are next week.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm wishing for the best for you and him.

I'd like to caution you not to focus on the formal diagnosis or the label. Many of us here have told our partner that we thought that had BPD, and many of us have regretted it, because it became one more thing to get thrown back at us without doing much of any obvious good. We've got a couple workshops that deal with this issue in more detail:

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Why are therapists hesitant to give a BPD diagnosis?

OTOH, talking to the therapist about the possible BPD is a good thing, and having one who specializes in that area sounds great.

I've found that focusing on specific behavior rather than a mental illness was much easier all around. And I'm sure you've got some specific behaviors you'd like to be focused on 

[jrx]

I do want to follow up on the subtlety of what I said about diagnosis. I wrote it on another thread a little while ago so I didn't mentally flag it here. I've personally told a BPD that I thought she had BPD, and that turned out... . very poorly for me, being on the other end of the emotional lashing.

But it was helpful for her to recognize for herself that there's an issue. If your H is at that stage where he's open to someone else's opinion (i.e. someone he hasn't painted black), and is open to self-analysis, he can connect the dots himself without you being the bearer of unwelcome news. That's about his journey. Yours is focusing on yourself and your needs.

[Jeansok]

Thanks a ton for the advise... . I will definitely check out the video and work on specific behaviors. I hope this goes well... .

[Grey Kitty]

Are there some specific behaviors we can help you work on here? We've got a ton of resources, and they can be overwhelming... . but we can help you with any individual issue, and point you to something targeted directly at it.

Hang in there!

[Jeansok]

Thanks Grey Kitty - the verbal abuse, name calling is a big one. Telling me this isn't working for him, threatening to leave. Though this part has gotten better and I do feel like when I tend to stand my ground more it helps. Before I would just get upset and feel helpless. Also the "sarcastic passive agressive behavior" he portrays like telling my daughter to do the exact opposite I just told her... . if that makes sense. What's also hard is having my daughter ask me what's wrong with my H, and I have to tell her he's sick... . see he's awesome with her and she adores him and then when he gets on an episode he just pretty much either ignores her when she tries to talk to him or get close. It's very upsetting. She's an awesome kid and I hate to see it all happen. I know he loves her to

[Wishful thinking]

Hi Jeansok.

When I started reading and interacting on this website last year oct/nov. I remember reading thru all the different things people went through. Immediately i felt like i wasnt alone. Few months back also i thought i could have the strength to go through this and i was geared to find out as much as possible.

I guess what Im wanting to say is, take everything one step at a time. Dont think too far ahead. Your husband going for therapy regardless of th amounts he thinks he will need, is a good thing. One session is better than no session at all.

I really hope and wish you and your husband all the best.

[Murbay]

Jeansok, you need to stay strong and remain positive. By the sounds of things, the T you have should be able to see through any charm and get to the root of the issue.

Having been there myself, I know how frustrating things can be and the worries that arise before therapy, some of the comments here already say it in that going to therapy is better than no therapy and you never know what might transpire from it.

My ex convinced me I had BPD and that she was the victim of rages and abusive behaviour I had no recollection of and that I needed therapy. She also made a point of telling me that part of my "condition" I would refuse therapy but I surprised her by accepting. The reason for it was that I felt terrible if something was happening that I had no idea of and wanted to find out what was wrong with me. Most important, I didn't want my ex to be suffering. I got to pick the therapist and went for someone who had 30+ years experience and all rounded.

My ex got in there first for individual sessions, turned on the charm to try and convince him that I was the cause of all the issues. The first 2 sessions I had were quite hostile to say the least and then we had the joint therapy too. After 3 sessions with my ex, the therapist told her he didn't need to see her anymore but wanted to continue individual sessions with me. My ex took that as validation that I was the issue and didn't hide telling me or anybody else that.

The therapist took my by surprise in the first individual session when he explained that his reason for stopping her sessions is because she isn't in a place to receive help and there was nothing he could do until she accepted she was the one with BPD/NPD and that may never happen. Me on the other hand, he could work with and help me back to a healthy place. Although he never came out and told my ex that she was in fact the root cause, he saw straight through the charm and manipulation.

So in answer to your first couple of questions, if the T decides to see you on an individual basis too, then don't be disheartened because it is a good indicator and will help you greatly. Also, as far as your H only believing he needs a couple of appointments, it depends on whether he is ready to accept the issues and work on them. There might be things that come out which surprise him and lead him into wanting to know more.

I really do hope things go well for you and that this is a positive step in the right direction for you and your family.

[Jeansok]

Thank you so much once again Wishful thinking and to you Murbay. That is really good to know. I know it's easy to get discouraged and to stay strong. I once thought I was strong enough to handle anything. I think with faith though and taking steps like you mention, anything is possible. Thank you for the advise and your experience. Maybe my H counselor he had before felt the same way when he was told he didn't need to come back... . puts a different perspective on it.  The lady I found has over 30 years experience and like you said can't hurt. I'll keep everyone posted and this site in the past week has already helped me tremendously- thank you for sharing and helping.

[Grey Kitty]

Jeansok, I'll also say that individual therapy may be more productive than couples therapy.

When a pwBPD is ready to do some hard work, they will benefit from individual therapy.

You will probably benefit from it as well, both to help you cope with your partner and to deal with any other issues you do have.

We do have a workshop on why/how conventional marriage counseling often fails with a pwBPD.

As for the behavior you want to address now, verbal abuse, you are pretty lucky, as that is a (relatively) easy one! I say that because YOU can enforce boundaries and stop subjecting yourself to verbal abuse. It does not require any agreement, compliance, or action on the part of your partner.

You commented on a thread by Allibaba where she managed this very thing recently! Here is the part where she reports success: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.msg12257225#msg12257225

You can enforce boundaries just like she did, and will find that it works. We've got a great workshop on the how and why of enforcing boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

And another one with lots of examples where people are trying it:

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Think about it and give it a try!

[Jeansok]

Thank you grey kitty! This site has been a Godsend and you guys' support and information

[Grey Kitty]

You are most welcome. When you decide on how you will be enforcing boundaries, post about it! You will get encouragement and assistance.

[Jeansok]

I will most definitely thank you. Im actually reading "walking on eggshells" now... . I just can't beleive this is all identical to what im going thru. I had no idea... .

[waverider]

Please keep in mind it is a process of small baby steps a bit at a time. You are trying to modify personality changes. Probably yours more than anything else, and that is a slow evolving process. be prepared to accept that the more you find out the more you can become aware is wrong and that can be a downer. So keep a track on the improvements, build on them and be greatful. Accept that you will not always get it right, dont be too critical of yourself.

Biggest issues to address first are

Boundaries

Avoiding pointless conflict

Until you get a handle on these, you are are likely to get far on any other aspects, as they are foundation stones.