Deciding to leave and feeling no self worth

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Why is it so hard to make the decision to leave?  Why and how have I ended up with no self worth or value, have ended up being scared to leave and wondering if there really is better on other side?  He's in super nice and caring phase right now b/c he's scared I'm leaving.  I know that if I let him think it's ok, we'll go back to where we were.  Yet, knowing what I know, and seeing the effects on my 2 kids - my son is starting to show similar characteristics - it's hard to actually do it.  He told me I am giving up on him and my faith in God and him that he can change.  He said I don't have faith God can change him.  But I'm such a shell.   A shell of the person I was and really am.  I know this is not healthy for me.  I told him I'd wait until the end of the summer.  I think this was a mistake.  He thinks he has 2 months to change my mind. I don't know that I can last that long.

[southerngirl]

Why is it so hard to make the decision to leave?  Why and how have I ended up with no self worth or value, have ended up being scared to leave and wondering if there really is better on other side?  He's in super nice and caring phase right now b/c he's scared I'm leaving.  I know that if I let him think it's ok, we'll go back to where we were.  Yet, knowing what I know, and seeing the effects on my 2 kids - my son is starting to show similar characteristics - it's hard to actually do it.  He told me I am giving up on him and my faith in God and him that he can change.  He said I don't have faith God can change him.  But I'm such a shell.   A shell of the person I was and really am.  I know this is not healthy for me.  I told him I'd wait until the end of the summer.  I think this was a mistake.  He thinks he has 2 months to change my mind. I don't know that I can last that long.

[jrx]

It is hard, isn't it? So many reasons to stay and so many unknowns before you leave. He's charming and can anticipate what you need emotionally before you even know. And he knows you well enough to push the right buttons and paint a picture of a great present and a wonderful future.

Therein lies the trap. You said you feel like a shell of yourself and that you've ended up with no self worth or value. You're not alone. There are probably hundreds (if not more) people here who have gone through the same thing. The manipulation (paintings and murals), the shaming (you don't have enough faith, do you?).

You said you know it's not healthy. You posted in [L3] Detaching instead of [L2], so I'm assuming you want to leave. He doesn't have 2 months to change your mind. At worst, you have 2 months to become at peace with your decision.

Listen to the phrasing of what you wrote: "He said I don't have faith God can change him." That's not a plan under his control. That's counting on God to give him a winning lottery ticket. And it's clear that you have faith, otherwise he wouldn't be attacking it. That's what manipulators do to empty another person of their resolve.

I would answer your question that it's twice as hard to leave as it should be because of that manipulation, and there's always the feeling of "the devil you know". If you still have friends (I'm not insulting you, relationships with BPDs often result in losing them), ask them if they've experienced anything like you have. Make a list and show it to them.

There are smaller steps you can take which are completely under your control. I'm not a list guy, but trust me, they help. Write down all the things you'd need in order to leave: financial, emotional, physical, residential, etc. This breaks things down into manageable chunks. You have other resources as well. Emotional violence is domestic abuse. If you call a battered women's shelter, they may help you overcome your reservations, and provide a sounding board for your plan.

Most importantly, I'll leave you with this. The Chinese character for speech and the character for clothing are almost identical. What they realized and what you already know is that what a BPD says is sometimes just the appearance they want you to see. He's wearing you down, but believing him is under your control. Keep reading and writing, there are so many voices for you.

[southerngirl]

Thank you.  I needed to hear that.  I have kept my friends even though it often feels like he doesn't want me to and they all think my situation is crazy. He is jealous of my spending time with my friends. You are right -the devil we know is easier sometimes. I just need to keep reminding myself this is part of the disorder -the sucking me back in and good and bad phases.  I'm going to take the 2 months to get my stuff in order.

[letmeout]

Just be aware that giving your BPD mate two months is buying him time to do some dirty deeds. I gave my ex time to get help, but he spent it hiding the assets and emptying our accounts out.

Even though its been hard, and I'm still in therapy from the craziness of having spent too much time with such a disordered person, the loss and the cost was worth getting away from him.