behavior after you tell them of BPD

[benny2]

Since I told my pwuBPD about the disorder, he went through the silent treatment for a few days, painted me black but has made an unusual sudden turnaround. More sudden than the norm as far as returning to the relationship. Although he has not brought up the subject, its almost like he feels a since of relief or something. Almost like it has brought him closer to me. Not sure what is going on here, but its got me baffled. I am not going to bring it up. I am going to let him do it when he is ready. Anyone else experience this?

[raindancer]

My bf was diagnosed with BPD years before we got together and never did anything about it. He casually mentioned it a few weeks into the r/s, 3 yrs ago and I never thought to look into it either. We went through a lot of chaos in 3 years. 3 months ago, I found out what BPD is and started researching it and understanding it.

We were on our second "break" at the time - one that he initiated.

I was not very graceful about telling him that I finally had an idea of what BPD was. It was an "ah-ha" moment for me - but I didn't approach it very well with him at first. TBH, I saw BPD as the answer to everything we'd gone through and held it against him at first. I've been told that my reaction was not far from how most partners react... . after that I retreated to my own corner and let him make sense of it one way or another on his own (and I did prepare to be ready to move out if that became necessary).

Long and short of it - he committed to looking into therapy for BPD. We've made a lot of progress but we've had some major setbacks as well - some his and some mine. In the course of my reasearch, I found enough to suggest that r/s where one partner has BPD, the other partner will probably have their own issues. I looked into that as well and found that I have PTSD and depression, which doesn't make our r/s any easier.

Two broken ppl trying to find a way to relate... . but trying.

To answer your question:

At first he was openly hostile about me telling him I knew about BPD, then he totally detached for a while and painted me blacker than black, then he started being open to talking about it, then he went through a relief-like period, then he/we committed to therapy for both of us separately and together.

Being able to identify and name the "problem" doesn't fix it, it's only the beginning of the beginning on how to work through it... . and if you even want to. It's not an easy life being the partner of someone wBPD - sometimes it's like trying to put together 1 jigsaw puzzle when 10 have been mixed together in the same box... .

From what I've read on here, some ppl with BPD are open to working through it and going to therapy and others completely deny having it and rebel against all mention of it. It seems to be as unique as DNA.

Personally, I think you are right in letting him absorb all of it and letting him do it when he's ready; but, until he's ready, do the reading and the research about BPD and r/s with BPD for yourself.

There is a lot of good material in the lessons about how to understand him, work on yourself and work through the problems that arise.

[benny2]

Thank you for your response raindancer. I have been doing a lot of thinking about whether or not I can be in a relationship like this. Lately the silent treatments have been coming at least every two weeks and lasting 4-5 days and its always when I comfront him with my feelings about our relationship. Its like he expects me to be like him and have no feelings. I'm not sure what is happening here as far as me telling him about the BPD. If he is going to just put it out of his head and pretend like I never said anything, or act upon it. Could go either way with him, but he is calling me more and wanting to be with me. I did reassure him at the time when I told him that I care about him and I love him to let him know I was not going to turn away from him because of this. I guess I will just take things one day at a time as the relationship always seems to be in his control. Push/pull. One thing that did come out of all this is it made me realize he is the only man I have every really loved to put up with this. I have walked away from other relationships for much lesser reasons.