self-confidence bottoming out

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My uBPDex (8 weeks LC to NC) keeps himself VERY busy, and a glimpse of his life is sending me reeling.  He has lunches with different friends every day, is in support groups/sports teams/ going to movies every night, has retreats and tournaments and helping friends on the agenda every day of every weekend.  Everyone loves him!  And my self-confidence is bottoming out. 

I am more reserved, quiet, busy taking care of the kids, the pets, and the house.  Studying constantly for an upcoming registration exam.  I have good friends, and I see them once every week or 2.  I talk on the phone.  I play sports as well 2-3x/week.  But seeing his whirlwind of a life throws ME into self-doubt - if he's so great, why didn't we work out?  Did I make it all up?  And then I remember all the crazy-making, the unexplained anger and silent treatments, and how he was constantly gone. 

I think that this lack of self-confidence is the legacy of growing up with a BPD mother.  And I'm finally facing it head on.  I have definitely used r/s to feed my sense of self - as long as I have someone who says they love me, then I must be alright, right?  I can't seem to find that inner sense of calm and knowing that I am ok.  I guess this is shame?  uggh.  After years and years of dealing with a sense of not being ok, I wish that i felt like I've made some progress.  However, it is fleeting in this era of a r/s ending. 

[Healing4Ever]

My uBPDex (8 weeks LC to NC) keeps himself VERY busy, and a glimpse of his life is sending me reeling.  He has lunches with different friends every day, is in support groups/sports teams/ going to movies every night, has retreats and tournaments and helping friends on the agenda every day of every weekend.  Everyone loves him!  And my self-confidence is bottoming out. 

I am more reserved, quiet, busy taking care of the kids, the pets, and the house.  Studying constantly for an upcoming registration exam.  I have good friends, and I see them once every week or 2.  I talk on the phone.  I play sports as well 2-3x/week.  But seeing his whirlwind of a life throws ME into self-doubt - if he's so great, why didn't we work out?  Did I make it all up?  And then I remember all the crazy-making, the unexplained anger and silent treatments, and how he was constantly gone. 

I think that this lack of self-confidence is the legacy of growing up with a BPD mother.  And I'm finally facing it head on.  I have definitely used r/s to feed my sense of self - as long as I have someone who says they love me, then I must be alright, right?  I can't seem to find that inner sense of calm and knowing that I am ok.  I guess this is shame?  uggh.  After years and years of dealing with a sense of not being ok, I wish that i felt like I've made some progress.  However, it is fleeting in this era of a r/s ending. 

[GeekyGirl]

Growing up with a mother with BPD does bring some challenges. For many of us, it means that we have low self-esteem and really need to work hard as adults to build ourselves up.

Ending a relationship doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. It may just be that your lives are going in different directions or there isn't enough there to keep a solid, healthy relationship going. Keep in mind that what you're getting a glipse of his life. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes--it might not be as perfect as you think.

Did you get messages from him that remind you of what you saw/heard from your mother growing up? We do often look for partners that echo what we've learned as children. When you hear about his busy social life, why does that make you feel like there's something wrong with you?

[Healing4Ever]

Hi GeekyGirl - thanks for your insight and support. 

I have been thinking about your question "why does his busy social life make me feel like something is wrong with me?" all day.

Just being asked this question already makes me feel a bit better  - meaning that it points out to me how unrelated the two things really are.  However - I have struggled with this type of reaction all my life - to friends getting together (without me), hearing about other people's social lives, etc. 

Some thoughts come to mind as to why:

1.  My mom would frequently tell me when my friends didn't stop by the house or call on me, that they must not want to be my friend anymore.  Or she'd ask me what I did to upset them.  That happened frequently enough that it's pretty ingrained - if I'm not included, I've done something wrong.

2.  His busy social life was a problem in our r/s - in part because of my issue, although moreso because he uses distraction in a big way to prevent himself from getting close and vulnerable.  I would literally not see him for days on end except whenever he would come to bed.  He loved this schedule - but as you can imagine, it was a point of contention at times.  I guess it still triggers me because I'm hoping somewhere inside that he'll change, consider his own pain, get the help he needs, and come back.

3.  I am insecure?  Hearing about his busy social life and watching him engage so enthusiastically with others reflects back to me that I'm in a sad place, not having that much fun all the time, and probably a bit more of a downer than I want to be.  Although when I'm feeling down, I think I evaluate myself too hard as well. 

This has been such a big issue for me all my life- very difficult for me to understand or talk about because I feel shame around it because it doesn't make sense and yet triggers strong feelings.  I'm so grateful for the anonymity of this board!  And the incredible insight and questions that people ask.  Thank-you    

[GeekyGirl]

What you said makes a lot of sense. Feeling left out is very painful! 

The message that you received from your mother has to be influencing how you perceive the end of this relationship. It sounds from your posts like you've built a good life for yourself! Playing sports and having friends that you see regularly sound like very healthy ways to keep your social life active.

I really like how you've looked at why your ex may be overloading his calendar. Sometimes people do keep busy, because they don't know what to do with themselves when they're alone. Some people just prefer to be on-the-go all the time. It's really hard for someone who wants to be active 24/7 to make a relationship work with someone who is content to not be busy as often. It may just be that you weren't compatable that way, and that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either of you.

I agree that you're being very hard on yourself, and I can imagine where that comes from, as I got many of the same messages growing up. It does make you doubt yourself and look for faults within yourself, when the reality is, you haven't done anything wrong.

Do you have an outlet to help you process this, such as a good T? You might also want to look at the Survivor's Guide ---> as that's a good roadmap to healing from a parent like your mother.