Hi cult,
I don't trust my motives. I feel so desperate and alone. I can't believe how suddenly she turned off her feelings for me - ALL feeling it seems. Her actions are not loving actions. Her words are not tender words. She seems to have forgotten that I exist.
As I see it, her ability to suddenly turn off her feelings/her attachment is a characteristic of her disorder. This is more or less exactly how my xuBPDgf left me. The last time I saw her, I was dropping her off at an airport. She was gone for a few weeks, and then she flipped the switch. And would not take any of my calls. Five years, *poof*. I thought I was going to marry her. For a long time afterwards I still saw her as the love of my life.
I really believe that they manner in which some pwBPD leave their relationships, they inflict abandonment traumas upon their loved ones.
I am heartbroken and so, so hurt. I want to reach out to her. ANY contact from her would calm me right down and make me feel more hopeful, but is that really the right thing to do? Do I really need to feel hope for a relationship with someone who is treating me so poorly?
You are in a very difficult position right now. I remember being in that position. I remember doing things I'm not proud of, and in some cases, doing things I came to regret. This is a very good time to call in all favors and bring in anything left of your support system prior to being with your BPD loved one.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I would get creative. I remember, that I found going to places I had never been to before, helped. I remember that everything that I did prior as a routine, would only trigger a recollection and an inclination to contact her. It may be helpful to make new rituals and routines for yourself.
I want SO BADLY to email her but is it wise for me to keep crawling back for more cruelty?
It may not be wise, but sometimes pain (or further pain) is the best instructor in life.
If I email her, she might write me back and it might help me feel less anxious, temporarily.
You might find that each time you contact her, you are only repeating your process of detachment; making it longer and more painful than it needs be. You might find that by doing so, you are tearing at wounds that have not yet begun to heal.
She's choosing not to talk to me or email me.
She is choosing to abandon you.
I know I am doing all of the wrong things. I am trying to forgive myself and do better next time.
Don't beat yourself up over it. When you find yourself struggling to contact her again, do something else. Go outside. Go to the movies, or a library, or a park. Post here and vent all you want. :)o something different.
I am so lonely. I have lost my heart. I have lost the most important person in my life. Ten years - gone in an instant.
This is hard. What you are going through is hard. And I don't know any other way than to go through it. It is important that you go through it. Otherwise you might find that you've picked up many of your BPD loved one's bad (dysfunctional) habits.
In a sense, the pain that you are experiencing right now, is similar (I believe) to the pain that your BPD loved one is trying to work through, the pain she is desperate to avoid. But she experienced her initial pain as a child. You on the other hand have the resources and wherewithal of an adult woman. You have a better chance to get through it. But you also have a slight risk of walking down her path. :)o take care of yourself.
Best wishes, Schwing
