Friends

[moonunit]

Has anyone else come across this.

My SO tells me all the time that a "Friend" is someone who you can entrust with all your inner thoughts and someone who will drop everything for you.

I told her i have lots of friends and they are people who are in my life and mean something to me, she says that they are not " true " friends, that they are nothing more than acquaintances and that i don't have a clue what a     " real " friend is, she says, how often do your " friends " contact you to ask how your doing or how many of them do you tell all your problems too and how many tell you about their problems - all my friends are male.

Note: i am forbidden to discuss anything that goes on between the two of us as this is a total betrayal of our r/s and it is something only women do NOT men, and its ok for her to tell her best friend everything and i cannot tell my friends anything because all i do is tell lies about her, in the beginning when we first were dating i was so taken back by all the craziness and had never experienced anything like it before and was bouncing ideas off my buddies to see if i was the crazy one, looking back, not the best thing to do.

Any responses to the Friend issue would be great, i think she is trying to isolate me from those individuals who i regard as friends, only have her as a source to discuss life events. 

 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[byfaith]

My uBPDw of 2 years has pretty much alienated us from having any friends together. I have had relationships "go away" because I have to conceal certain aspects of our life. I can't even have time away with my daughters (who do not live with us) because when I get back if I don't recount pretty much everything that was discussed that means I'm "hiding something". We did have some people we went and spent some time with. There is always something "wrong" with someone who could be potential people to be around. If something comes up a week later about something that was discussed between me and one of my kids and I had forgot to tell my wife she gets upset. She says I overreact to the questions she asks, I probably do, like take a sigh because I know what's coming. It's spiritually, mentally and physically exhausting at times. She doesn't even really like to talk or be around her "best" friend because my uBPDw is jealous that her friend is happy and enjoying life while her friends kids are having issues. So my uBPDw is miserable and depressed because her son has a mental illness but her depression isn't making her son any better, it just makes it harder for me and my wife to help her son get help. Man, sorry I went off. To get back. If my wife knew that I have talked to anyone about anything it would be bad. I have confided in about 3 people and thats about it and this message site. thanks

[byfaith]

I have had to "lie" when specifically asked "have you discussed this problem with anyone?" It makes me feel horrible that I cannot tell the truth when it come to that

[bruceli]

My BPD SO is the opposite... . She is the one who has the shallow non-intimate "friendships".  Example, she had to work this Saturday so she had me help her friend move while she was at work because it would make her look good. However, when we moved a couple of months ago... . Not one of her "many friends" showed up to help, but 40 of her "friends" showed up for the house warming party.  BTW... . the only 2 people who showed up to help move were MY friends... .  

[moonunit]

DRB63, i get the same issues, my SO is constantly finding fault with my friends, its unreal - she tries to instill a doubt in my mind about whether they are " real friends ", no matter what they do she finds some minor little fault or criticism and basically tells me to not trust them and to question whether i should associate with them. I understand what she is upto and don't buy into her plan.

Mind you, as paranoid and out-there as some of her acqusations are about them, sometimes there is some validity in what she says, i just have to sort through alot of garbage to find a piece of truth.   

[Jeansok]

Ugh... . I can so relate to this. I'm just finding more and more and more and more commonalities here with my situation. My H is believed to be BPD and it's hard to be able to do things with friends... . I am jealous of other normal relationships and want to be able to do normal couple things with our friends and can't -

[whatshappening]

I feel like she is definitely trying to manipulate you and distance you from others. Its a well known tactic. Do not fall for it. You deserve to have a life, friends and to be able to talk to people about whatever you want. You don't necessarily have to tell the truth about doing so, but you don't have to feel guilty either. That said, its not good to talk too much to people who know her and love you. It will make them angry at her and it will be hard for them to hide it. Plus, after a while they can'y handle hearing it any longer.

Best to use Therapists, Positive Affirmation CDs and meditation to make it less of an issue for you.

Bill harris from Holosync said it well:

You can’t escape from all suffering, because it’s built into life. But you can avoid the suffering that happens because you unconsciously keep putting yourself in situations where life smacks you around.

And, you can avoid the suffering you create by resisting what happens.