Mourning uBPD Mom?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm posting here today to admit that I haven't let myself mourn what I have learned I cannot change about my uBPD Mom. For my first 25 years, we were codependent - but then I put up my boundaries. It has been a long road of trial and error to better protect myself and heal from our unhealthy relationship. I am now realizing that I haven't mourned the loss of what I had with her. Maybe I haven't because I have chosen to keep her in my life with these boundaries in place. In other words, the fact that we still interact and I am triggered at times by those interactions (but keep my boundaries in place) has left me feeling that I cannot mourn. How can I morn something that I haven't "lost"?

I have my own life, committed relationship, friends, and have made efforts to bond with family members I was previously isolated from because of our relationship. The closest ones know that she probably has BPD, and agree that she will never be diagnosed. My relationships with those closest to me are definitely affected by my previous relationship with my Mom.

Ugh   

[Recycle]

I'm posting here today to admit that I haven't let myself mourn what I have learned I cannot change about my uBPD Mom. For my first 25 years, we were codependent - but then I put up my boundaries. It has been a long road of trial and error to better protect myself and heal from our unhealthy relationship. I am now realizing that I haven't mourned the loss of what I had with her. Maybe I haven't because I have chosen to keep her in my life with these boundaries in place. In other words, the fact that we still interact and I am triggered at times by those interactions (but keep my boundaries in place) has left me feeling that I cannot mourn. How can I morn something that I haven't "lost"?

I have my own life, committed relationship, friends, and have made efforts to bond with family members I was previously isolated from because of our relationship. The closest ones know that she probably has BPD, and agree that she will never be diagnosed. My relationships with those closest to me are definitely affected by my previous relationship with my Mom.

Ugh   

[donniesgrrl]

Welcome!

Did we grow up in the same house? Your story sounds identical to mine, I am going through the mourning as well at this point.  I am pretty much NC with my uBPD mom and not of my own choosing, she has decided that she cannot respect my boundaries, or that they are ridiculous or some such other excuse, so SHE has chosen not to talk to me, I believe her exact words in our last conversation were, "well I got 31 years so that's good enough"  .

What I can tell you is that surrounding myself with the family that I isolated myself from Before has been a HUGE comfort, I am realizing how amazing some of those people are, and really building relationships with them.  It does not mean I don't miss my mom, but what I don't miss at all is the crazy making, the blaming, the circle and cycle of her rages and her all around inappropriate behavior.  Not having that in my life has changed me in more ways that I can even describe.  I will always love her and I will always have hope that some day something will touch her heart and she will want to have a relationship with me, but I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for that to happen.

SO yes a mourning period is completely normal, it's a loss of the life you used to know and understand, but I can tell you that looking from the other side now, that life wasn't really all that awesome, and I am getting to start all over again

This board has been a great source of comfort for me and I think you will find a lot of people with a lot of the same stories.  So again Welcome

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there Recycle,

Mourning is a difficult thing. Grief isn't just something that we can have one cry over and be done. I hear your sadness. Perhaps you have not lost your relationship with your mom. You still can mourn though.

For me, my parents are still in my life. But I mourned the loss of the relationship I wanted and deserved from them. I mourned the abuse, the pain, the loss of an ideal relationship. My T even suggested a ritual, like writing each loss and pain and burying it, throwing it into the sea, tying them to a balloon and letting it go, or the like. Over on the side panel on the Survivor's Guide, there is a great big section entitled "Mourning." It is definitely part of the process, and it's really good that you're trying to honor your feelings.

Look how far you've come. You have a great support system, and have built your own life. Keep going, Recycle. You've got this thing. <3

[Cordelia]

Recycle, I think there's a lot to mourn even if the person is still in your life.  Your hopes for what your relationship would be like, primarily.  As well as probably many experiences you didn't get... . support when you needed it, attention that was really about you and not about her needs, advice that was rooted in real understanding of both you as a person and the world at large... . probably many more things.  Like ScarletOlive says, this type of loss can take a long time to reveal itself, and new layers may keep appearing even after others are resolved.  

It's great that you have your own life and close ones to rely on when things are hard, people who understand.  This helps so much.  Just let the mourning process occur in its own way and on its own schedule and it will take care of itself much faster than you think (if you're like me).  I tend to assume that having negative feelings is a huge problem that will take a lot to overcome, but I've found that just like a physical injury, emotional pain looks bad at first and may feel very bad and take up all your attention for a while, but you often don't have to do anything other than wait for the wound to close and to resume functioning easily and painlessly as you did before.  It's amazing to me every time that healing is a natural process that doesn't really require much effort.  Your body and soul know how to heal, they just need the time and space to do so.