When entire FOO is unfamiliar with unconditional love

[Cordelia]

I know this is kind of a broad question/topic to bring up, but for those of you who were able to maintain a relationship with your FOO even while establishing boundaries with your borderline relative, do you find it challenging to deal with broad problems that affected everyone in the family, such as lack of unconditional love throughout the family?  I am still in touch with - and would like to be close to - my enDad and Sis.  But I'm finding it challenging to deal with them now that I'm used to family life being established on the basis of unconditional love.  It makes it really difficult to honestly and openly resolve difficulties that we're having if to them, every criticism you have of their behavior is a fundamental threat to the relationship.  My dad - and to a lesser extent my sister - see my efforts to resolve problems between us as me rejecting any relationship with them.  And they see my boundaries as a threat, and try to trample them, and then get upset when I firmly but kindly enforce my boundaries.  They end up sabotaging our relationship.  To give an example, I'll have a boundary, they will try to do what they want regardless of the boundary I've laid out, I will make clear that I'm sticking to my boundary no matter what they do, and then they pull away in retaliation for me having a boundary, which they see as a threat.  All of this happens because they are unfamiliar with the concept of unconditional love, so they see love as jumping through the hoops that the other person sets up for you.  I'm not playing that game any more, so they think I don't love them, and get extremely sad, worried, and hostile. 

I don't know if there's anything to DO about this, other than just see it for what it is and have compassion on their pain, which I know all too well, and the stress of thinking all of your closest relationships are constantly unstable and you are always on trial and being judged.  And just try to accept that if they need to pull away, then that's what they need to do, and give them their space.  It's hard on me to have them pull away though, when I'm not doing anything wrong, and in fact am in a better place in regards to them than I ever have been.  I see myself as strenghtening our relationship through being clear about my needs, and trying to resolve our differences openly and honestly.  It's so frustrating that that's not seen for what it is, and instead is causing friction instead of peace. 

Any advice or at least empathy?

[ScarletOlive]

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Hey there Cordelia,

Mm, it must be tough wanting to work through problems with your sis and dad and them not wanting to. I know how hard it can be to model healthy behavior when family doesn't understand. Is it possible for you to explain to your family what you're trying to do? Like, maybe tell them that instead of jumping through hoops for each other, everyone could just love unconditionally and make sure that everyone's needs are taken care of appropriately?

I'm sorry they're pulling away due to this, but it's good that you're growing stronger. Perhaps with your radical acceptance and good modeling, they'll be able to follow your good example.

[Daisybird]

I understand what you are describing because my situation is very similar.  My DH, in-laws and my children have that "unconditional love" relationship that you referred to.  My FOO does not know what this is.  I didn't deal with it well for a long time.  Therapy and a supportive husband helped me deal with it better- I don't always deal with it well- but I'm much better than I used to be.

So, what is my trick? I try to remember what I have in my home- the place that I have helped create, the place where I feel the most love and the most support.  I try to remember that the family we created is much more important than the crazy family I came from.  I have two wonderful sons and an uber-supportive husband- I don't want anything to mess with this happy place. 

Because I want to protect what's important, I try to view my BPD mom, en-sis and en-bro as the crazy people I have to deal with every now and then.  I know not to expect normal behavior, I know not to expect support or anything nice, I know that they need me to be in a certain role and be a certain personality in order to protect their own psyches.  To me, this seems to be a painful way to exist. I know that I can never fix these broken relationships- so I don't try.  I try to change my response to them and remember that I don't ever want to be where they are.  I had to step away, at first physically, and then later emotionally to make this work.  I've discovered that as much as I want a healthy relationship with my FOO, it probably won't ever happen.  I've learned to look at them as an outsider (sometimes I'm better at this than other times, sigh) in order to protect myself and keep myself from becoming frustrated with crazy behavior.   Instead, I focus my energy on keeping my other relationships as healthy as I can, because that is what is really important.

Hope this helps.  Although, I think this has helped me today more than I could help anyone else.  I recently got sucked back in, and am feeling mad at myself for letting it happen. 

Hugs!

Daisybird

[Cordelia]

Because I want to protect what's important, I try to view my BPD mom, en-sis and en-bro as the crazy people I have to deal with every now and then.  I know not to expect normal behavior, I know not to expect support or anything nice, I know that they need me to be in a certain role and be a certain personality in order to protect their own psyches. 

I guess this is really the problem.  I guess I thought because the rest of my FOO doesn't actually have BPD - they are capable of love and of learning healthy behavior, just as I did! - that we wouldn't have the same kinds of problems between us as occurred between my mother and me.  And it's true that it's very different.  I can still speak to them, and they understand me to a certain degree, and they do mean well and are loving despite their dysfunctional behaviors.  But those dysfunctional behaviors are a big problem, damn it!  I think because I wanted to reassure myself that I am not the crazy one I pinned all the dysfunction on my mom and thought with her out of the picture, the dysfunction would be too.  But (logically, I suppose) it turns out no one was immune to the environment my sister and I grew up in, my dad actively participated in creating that environment, and my sister was influenced by it just as I was.  Of course they can't just shake off their past experiences and decisions, any more than my mom can just decide not to be BPD anymore.  It's just so disappointing, I really hoped I would have more to salvage from my past.  It's just so sad to have to let go of that dream that my family is generally healthy even though my mom was crazy. 

ScarletOlive, thank you for the suggestion of being clearer about what I want to express, too.  I think that would really be helpful, especially because it's new behavior from me that they don't necessarily know how to interpret!