so the reason they left us was because they "loved" us ?

[heyhey]

Borderlines tend to bail when we get too close, so does that mean that they really did care about us? And if that is the case do they stay with people they care aboutless?( I mean no offense by that question  just trying to understand things better) it just seems like the more intimate you get with them the more they push you away, however some sustain long relationships. Are they just triggered less in these longer relationships. I guess im still trying to figure out why my relationship only lasted two months. I know the shorter the relationship the better, but im still hurting just the same and my honeymoon period was only a few weeks.  I feel like I got jipped. I guess what im asking is did she leave because I meant something to her?

[seeking balance]

BPD is a mental illness that frequently shows itself in intimate/close relationships.  The fear of abandonment can lead to maladaptive coping methods such as push/pull - thus the "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" dynamic.

That said, nobody here really can tell you why she left - we are not her.  Sorry, I am not familiar with your story - is your ex diagnosed?

[schwing]

Hi Heyhey,

Borderlines tend to bail when we get too close, so does that mean that they really did care about us?

Depends on how you define "care."  Is it caring when you can suddenly switch to hate (devaluation) or indifference (when they find a new attachment)?  I would say that they care as much as they can care, but too much so that their disordered feelings started affecting them.

And if that is the case do they stay with people they care aboutless?

This is possible.  After all my parents are still together after four decades.  My mother is uBPD and my father is uNPD.  My father is not capable of being emotionally intimate, so in this manner, he never triggers my mother's fear of abandonment.  He does when he exercises some independence, such as when he socializes, or travels alone.  But my mother finds other people (e.g, her children) to attach herself to during such trying periods for her.

I would never in a million years want their relationship for myself.  But who know, maybe they'll stay married longer than I will.

( I mean no offense by that question  just trying to understand things better) it just seems like the more intimate you get with them the more they push you away, however some sustain long relationships. Are they just triggered less in these longer relationships.

I suppose if a pwBPD commits themselves to be with someone they don't care too much about it could work.  It is possible for pwBPD to find someone with a "compatible" dysfunction.

I guess im still trying to figure out why my relationship only lasted two months. I know the shorter the relationship the better, but im still hurting just the same and my honeymoon period was only a few weeks.  I feel like I got jipped. I guess what im asking is did she leave because I meant something to her?

Different people have different degrees of tolerance for pain and dysfunction.  Your relationship lasted only two months.  It could have been a function of the degree to which you each pushed each other's issues.  It could have been a function of your circumstances.  Maybe she decided she wanted

You feel like you got jipped because you wanted your painful experience to last longer than two months?

[paperlung]

Pretty sure my ex "left" me and found somebody new was because she was under the impression that I was going to eventually leave her.

[heyhey]

Schwing, i didnt want the bad part of the relationship to last longer just the good part (honeymoon).  Atleast longer than a few weeks. Seeking balance,  yes my ex is diagnosed but hasn't been in therapy for very long.

[fromheeltoheal]

I say yes, a BPD cares, but not in the sense we mean it.  You are seen as perfect initially, and their love for that perfection, which is fantasy, is absolutely real to them.  More real to them than we mean too, since attaching to the 'good' in someone and mirroring it is how they feel whole and OK with themselves, for a minute anyway; it's a matter of survival.

And then you either show you're not perfect, go figure, or you just relax into the relationship, and without the intensity of their fantasy, it's like you already left.  The abandonment terror triggers the disorder, and they feel shame as well, which they project on you, and you get devalued, which is also a cure for enmeshment, and the push/pull happens.

Bottom line is your BPD ex likely felt significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger throughout the entire relationship that she never expressed to you; it's never about us, and we do not think like they do.  There could not have been any real intimacy or strong emotional connection, they just aren't capable.  It may not feel like it, but consider yourself lucky you got out early, but yes, the feelings, all of them, were real.

[schwing]

Schwing, i didnt want the bad part of the relationship to last longer just the good part (honeymoon).  Atleast longer than a few weeks. Seeking balance,  yes my ex is diagnosed but hasn't been in therapy for very long.

You realize that the longer the "good part" lasts, the more painful the "recovery" gets.  Why do you think some people here have such a hard time letting go, even after suffering through pretty messed up behavior?

No matter how long the "good part" lasts, it's never enough.  It's like saying if only I just had a few weeks more of shooting up heroin before I had to start recovery, then I'd feel satisfied.

[heyhey]

No matter how long the "good part" lasts, it's never enough.  It's like saying if only I just had a few weeks more of shooting up heroin before I had to start recovery, then I'd feel satisfied.

I definitely see your point, I guess I wanted the honeymoon to last forever (not possible I know), I was so happy and in love. She was a great girl for the five years that we worked together, once the relationship started... . Boom. Sucks that they move on so easy, makes me feel like I didnt mean anything to her.  I know its the BPD, im just still trying to accept it. Takes time, thanks for letting me vent, this forum is like medicine. I still cant post quotes properly .

[Mr Bean]

Schwing, i didnt want the bad part of the relationship to last longer just the good part (honeymoon).  Atleast longer than a few weeks. Seeking balance,  yes my ex is diagnosed but hasn't been in therapy for very long.

You realize that the longer the "good part" lasts, the more painful the "recovery" gets.  Why do you think some people here have such a hard time letting go, even after suffering through pretty messed up behavior?

No matter how long the "good part" lasts, it's never enough.  It's like saying if only I just had a few weeks more of shooting up heroin before I had to start recovery, then I'd feel satisfied.

Thats so true. I was in long distance relationship with her for 3.5 years but i have met her quite a few times. When she found another guy and dumped i still feel devastated till today, after 3 months. Its so hard to heal and forget her. And what about her? Last time i heard she got engaged/married a few days ago. Who gives a sxxt anyway? Those of you who were in it for a couple of weeks or months consider yourself lucky. If i had a time machine, i would go back and warn myself. Imagine how hurtful it is. I still cant believe that it happened to me

[cal644]

I think they live in deep fear of abandonment and hold in resentments for years.  I was one of those in a long term relationship (19yrs).  And it still amazes me how quickly things can go south.  But since the seperation a lot of my wifes resentments have come out - I also think she lived in fear for years - she has always said that she can see my soulmate in her mind, and also things like she knows she is just my fill in wife until my real wife comes along?  I think to if you ever focus on yourself or you need attantion it scares the hell out of them - it's your job to take care of them, but they don't know how to care for themselves or you.  My stbexw said she quit being in love with me when my brother got cancer - instead of giving 150% to her, I focused on myself and my brother who I was extremely close with - so she maybe only received 100% of my attention then.  Once he died - I did go into a depression and probably suffered a little ptsd because of the last night I was with him.  But she could never comfort me - she would goto others and tell them I needed help but she couldn't do it herself - probably becuase she never knew how to help someone who was hurt becuase she never experienced that growing up.  Did she leave - no, did she sabotage the relationship to make sure I left her - yes.  Even with that being said she can never accept that her actions caused me to file and to this day only blames me for filing.  In her heart I think she always wanted me to leave her so that she no longer had to live with that stress of when I was going to leave her (which I never would have).  But extreme jealousy of even talking to friends male/female - she always had in her mind that I wanted this woman or that woman, that she was never good enough.  Those feelings that I would have abandoned her , even though they were unfounded, built up as resentment and fears - does she still love me?  Depends on the day - but deep down I know she does - but she fears that deep connection - she fears being in love with me - she even told me that the other day - becuase being in love with me hurts her. 

[Bach Cantatas]

[quote author

Thats so true. I was in long distance relationship with her for 3.5 years but i have met her quite a few times. When she found another guy and dumped i still feel devastated till today, after 3 months. Its so hard to heal and forget her. And what about her? Last time i heard she got engaged/married a few days ago. Who gives a sxxt anyway? Those of you who were in it for a couple of weeks or months consider yourself lucky. If i had a time machine, i would go back and warn myself. Imagine how hurtful it is. I still cant believe that it happened to me[/quote]
So true! 4 years in  a long distance relationship where we met many many times. Incredibly painful to be discarded. Even more traumatic than parental bereavement!