How to get her out of my place and life.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I am new here, but desperate for help.  Been living with a BPD GF for 5 months.  I believe she is undiagnosed.  I am in a living hell.  She is in my place, doesn't pay a dime, hasn't come home for nights.

I am tired of being treated like crap and being verbally abused.  I am always wrong.

My question is how can I get her to get her stuff out of my place.  I am not the yelling angry type but I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  She has to go.

We talked about it and she said she would have her stuff out by Friday.  I doubt it.  Nothing ever happens when she says it.

She had manipulated and broke me mentally and physically as well as financially.  I need tis demon out of my life.  It's my condo, but the law states I can't kick her out.

I can't heal until her stuff is gone.

Please please please, any advice on how to peacefully get her stuff out.

I know she is cheating on me.  I'm detached from that, but I need her stuff gone and just putting it out and changing the locks is not an option.

I'm losing my mind.

Please help me.  Someone out there.  I'm a male in their 40's she in her 30's.  Only 5 months in.  The honeymoon has been over.  Lasted 2 months.

She's even lied about having a terminal illness for attention.

Please help.

[goover]

Hello,

I am new here, but desperate for help.  Been living with a BPD GF for 5 months.  I believe she is undiagnosed.  I am in a living hell.  She is in my place, doesn't pay a dime, hasn't come home for nights.

I am tired of being treated like crap and being verbally abused.  I am always wrong.

My question is how can I get her to get her stuff out of my place.  I am not the yelling angry type but I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  She has to go.

We talked about it and she said she would have her stuff out by Friday.  I doubt it.  Nothing ever happens when she says it.

She had manipulated and broke me mentally and physically as well as financially.  I need tis demon out of my life.  It's my condo, but the law states I can't kick her out.

I can't heal until her stuff is gone.

Please please please, any advice on how to peacefully get her stuff out.

I know she is cheating on me.  I'm detached from that, but I need her stuff gone and just putting it out and changing the locks is not an option.

I'm losing my mind.

Please help me.  Someone out there.  I'm a male in their 40's she in her 30's.  Only 5 months in.  The honeymoon has been over.  Lasted 2 months.

She's even lied about having a terminal illness for attention.

Please help.

[j4c]

Hi Goover, so sorry to hear about your predicament.

I, like you was only with my uexBPDgf for a short period but the damage they do is unbelievable. You're amazing, you're horrible, you're forgotten.

Call me naive but how come you cant kick her and her gear out your place if shes only been there 5 months - especially when you know shes been cheating? Does she not have any friends or family you could take her stuff round to n explain the situation to?

If not what about the local skip 

GET TOUGH my friend!

[healingmyheart]

Goover,

I feel your pain... . that's where I was 5 months ago.  I had a expbd boyfriend who was raging at not only me but my teenager daughter and things had totally gotten out of control.  He was controlling, manipulative, raging and was having 3 emotional affairs (I pulled the phone records to verify) and he still tried to lie and deceive me with evidence in front of me.  

I asked him to leave and he wouldn't... . kept playing on my emotions, etc.  I finally had to change the lock and packed him a suitcase and told him I'd pack the rest up.  I had no choice otherwise he would have continued to control me emotionally.  I also was on the verge of an emotional breakdown and I refused to expose my child to the abuse anymore.  It was my house and he never once contributed to the mortgage so as far as I was concerned, he had no rights.  He slept in his car in my driveway the first night... .

Legally it was not the right thing to do but what choice do you have if they refuse to leave and they are being abusive.  Have you tried talking with a lawyer?  Are you seeing a therapist?  They can help advise you as well.  

She will continue to control and use you... . drastic behaviors call for drastic measures.  

[marbleloser]

"I'm detached from that, but I need her stuff gone and just putting it out and changing the locks is not an option."

I fail to see how that is not an option.Give her a day and time to pick up her crap and have the police there when she comes.You can guarantee she'll try and start something if they aren't there.

Also,get a digital recorder and keep it on you at all times,to keep her from filing false charges of abuse.

[goover]

Well,

The state I live in has this law, if you take someone in for 30 days they have every right to live there.  You have to get them evicted.  I don't want to go through that.  That takes up to 45 days.  It's my place so I'm not going to leave.  I'm just really upset and confused.  She used me.  And still is.  I am so messed up.

She has no family here. I am so beaten down.

[marbleloser]

Can you get a restraining order? What's the penalty for kicking her to the curb? I'd take the chance.How's she going to afford the legal fees to fight it?

[goover]

I don't have the funds to talk to a lawyer or get a restraining order.

I am looking for ways to get her to leave and get her stuff out.  I talked to the police and they said if I change the locks and out her stuff out I will be arrested.  I'm serious.

This is a nightmare.

I guess I will continue to tell her she has to go when I see her next.  My understanding is to do it in a calm manner or a riot could incite.  Meaning she calls the police and comes up with some crazy story.

Me being the guy goes to jail for sure.

Touchy draining situation.

[FogLight]

If I was in that situation, I would get the eviction ball rolling ASAP, at least that way you know for sure she only has 45 days.  I would also hide or lock up anything of value, I mean every bit of it.  But in a case like yours (with that nutty law), you would need to prepare for the possibility that she gets destructive, in other words CYA by any means of surveillance or recording.  That one also applies for after she's gone, from my own experience with a couple crazies.  Keep all communication with her neutral, don't say anything, especially in text/email etc, that could be used against you or paint you as a violent person should she begin making false claims.  Mentally/physically/emotionally distance yourself from her as best you can, and if she's cheating then you may be lucky enough that she runs off with the other guy, especially since she'll see she doesn't have long to move out.

If she DOES get out of hand in or around your home, be prepared to call the police, maybe that would speed up the process but make certain that you have evidence or witnesses to prove you were innocent, the reality is that DV cases are biased.

When you do manage to get her out, block all forms of contact from her and watch out for calls/texts from random or blocked numbers.  I lucked out in that my exBPDgf ran off and got engaged to another dude behind my back, but she continues to blow up my phone from several numbers, texts pretending to be other people, anytime from 12am to 12am, even after 9 months post breakup and 7 months of silence from me.  In my case, I save the numbers giving her the most absurd names which I tend to forget then laugh about when I see them pop up on my phone again, but at least I have a laugh and know to ignore the call/text.

Man you're in the fire right now but believe me it gets WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY better when you're over it, but for now you've got to stand on all ten toes with your game face on and just get it done.  Good luck!

[ForeverDad]

One thing I have learned is that you cannot expect to get cooperation, rather, more likely is delay, obstruction and even sabotage.  Even if you did get cooperation, it likely wouldn't last.

If I was in that situation, I would get the eviction ball rolling ASAP, at least that way you know for sure she only has 45 days.  I would also hide or lock up anything of value, I mean every bit of it.  But in a case like yours (with that nutty law), you would need to prepare for the possibility that she gets destructive, in other words CYA by any means of surveillance or recording... .

If she DOES get out of hand in or around your home, be prepared to call the police, maybe that would speed up the process but make certain that you have evidence or witnesses to prove you were innocent, the reality is that DV cases are biased.

... . for now you've got to stand on all ten toes with your game face on and just get it done.

I agree, do what you can to set a 'end' to the relationship, while protecting yourself and your property.  Protecting yourself is #1 top priority.  Going to court is the best (and only) way to get authoritative action.  However, she can delay it for a number of claims, one being that you're abusive.  Recording (quietly, low key) any time she is around you is one way to protect yourself just in case she makes allegations.  I did it, I viewed it as my 'insurance' and "Get Out Of Jail" card.  Most of it was never used or needed, but it was a relief to know I had some protection.  (If she has ever threatened or intimated that she would make false allegations then your personal risks go way up.)

[marbleloser]

You don't need a lawyer or spend much money.Go to the courthouse,talk to the clerk and tell them you want to file for exclusive use of the home "ex parte" and would like a RO against her because you fear for your personal safety.That she's out with other guys and you fear she'll bring one back there.

Bet that gets the ball rollin faster than eviction. Then serve her with an eviction notice after the ex parte.

"ex parte" Latin meaning "for one party," referring to motions, hearings or orders granted on the request of and for the benefit of one party only. This is an exception to the basic rule of court procedure that both parties must be present at any argument before a judge, and to the otherwise strict rule that an attorney may not notify a judge without previously notifying the opposition. Ex parte matters are usually temporary orders (like a restraining order or temporary custody) pending a formal hearing or an emergency request for a continuance. Most jurisdictions require at least a diligent attempt to contact the other party's lawyer of the time and place of any ex parte hearing.

[goover]

While I appreciate all the advice, I would not even know where to have her served.  I have no idea where she is staying.  She hasn't shown any tendencies to destroy or steal.  I know, your guess is as good as mine.  My head is spinning.  I am going to try and talk to her again about setting a firm date when she has to be out.

I'm depressed and she claims she can't be around me due to this.  Heck they way she has cut me down who wouldn't be depressed.  I just want her to leave on her own free will.  Now, if she was staying here 24/7 then I would go the eviction route.

We have had calm conversations about her leaving and she is looking for a place.  I suppose I'll just shut up until she leaves.  I know for a fact the past 4 places she has left without incident.  I guess I will go with that.  I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown so I'm not up for arguing at all.  Had enough of that.  I do appreciate all advice offered and I do understand what you all are saying.  I guess I just can't go that route right now.  Given the fact she's not even staying here I hope I can work this out in a calm way.  She has two storage units.  She has no furniture here, mainly clothes and stuff like that.  I just need my space back.  Living with someone else for a period and having all there crap in 750 square feet is tough.  I'm in a bad way and need her to move her stuff.

She has broken me.  I need to heal.  I don't know what else to say other than thanks for the suggestions and support.  I really do appreciate the responses.

[GaGrl]

Do you have the funds to put her belongings in a storage unit for a month and tell her to get them? Ca you document that she is not living at your address (that is, physically present) more than 50% of the time... . thus not "living" there?

[Vindi]

stick with that you want her to leave, you don't want to be with her, you want to end the relationship. Stand strong on it, if she has a clue she will realize you are ready to end things and you do not want her in your life. Even if she is dating, cheating, have her live with "that" person or anyone. You don't have to feel stuck, give her a time frame, say 2 weeks, put it in writing and tell her you want her out!

[goover]

Thanks for your reply.  I will give that a shot.