I feel so much more equipped to help her now... wish I could

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Researching  BPD and mental illness in general has really helped in coming to terms with what happened in my relationship and why.  It's helping me get past it and get over my ex GF.  But it's also making me SOO much better equipped to help her!  And since I'm fairly sure there is no one else in her life who has given her issues this amount of thought and research, I really wish I could help.   I feel like I have soo much more knowledge and so many more tools now. 

Has anyone ever had any luck detaching and moving on to a point where it was safe and healthy to re-enter a friendship and bring some positive support and help to someone with BPD?

[Tordesillas]

Researching  BPD and mental illness in general has really helped in coming to terms with what happened in my relationship and why.  It's helping me get past it and get over my ex GF.  But it's also making me SOO much better equipped to help her!  And since I'm fairly sure there is no one else in her life who has given her issues this amount of thought and research, I really wish I could help.   I feel like I have soo much more knowledge and so many more tools now. 

Has anyone ever had any luck detaching and moving on to a point where it was safe and healthy to re-enter a friendship and bring some positive support and help to someone with BPD?

[Surnia]

Some could handle it to friendship, many not, Tordesillas!

Its a understandable wish. The only person who can really do important steps toward healing is your ExGF herself.

I would really focus on your own well being, on your own detaching.

[Sango216]

Hi Tordesillas!

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling.  It's one of those "If I knew then what I know now" things.  I must say, I think it's great that you wish to help her, and that you're able to recognize that if you do help her, it would be best to do so as a friend.  It shows that you know recycling is not the best option here. 

I agree with Surnia though.  I think it's best to focus on yourself.  It's easy to become so wrapped up in researching the disorder that you forget what's really important right now:  your well-being.

[Mr Bean]

Not me. Besides i dont speak to her anymore, even if i did, i think i would have a hard time telling her that she got a probem. She could say am the one who got it. In my case, i will just stay away. Am scared with people suffering from BPD. They bring the worst of you. My suggestion to you, dont contact her anymore. Let her deal with her own problem. Its not your responsibility anymore

[Tordesillas]

I agree... .  I guess I just hope at some point in the future there could be some sort of resolution that somehow gives this mess a happy ending.  I suppose I'm feeling a bit of retro-active guilt in realizing things I did that unknowingly triggered her.  And I can now see how I could have been more constructive if I had really known what we were up against.  But who knows... . it would probably have all turned out the same way anyway if she herself was still unaware and unwilling to deal with getting better for herself.  

At the end of it all I'm probably still feeling a bit of that "rescuer" instinct and I just need to fully let it go and accept that if there is some chance in the future to share what I've learned with her, then that will be a happy surprise.  

[bondafc]

We have all been there.

Please analyze your motivations though.

Personally, my fantasy went something like this;

I wanted to "share" all my discovery re:BPD, and to hear her to say... .

"Oh honey, I get it now.  I have BPD, a rare, and largely un-treatable, mental-disorder that causes me to lash-out at and abandon the very people who love me.

Thank-you darling, that explains everything!

I will seek treatment, become the woman you always hoped/knew I would/could be and I will love you forever."

Really though, it wasn't really about helping her. 

It was a secret wish to provide her with a cogent argument that finally makes her realize what she had and has lost.  I hoped this would repair and fix her back into the adoration stage.

Reality is, you can not impose self-awareness onto someone else. 

It is never going to happen... .

Never!

You are a rational person trying to reason with a personality disordered person who was broken LONG before you entered into her life.  My "revelations" would have threatened the very core of her existence.

The most likely outcome is resentment or projection back to you.

If you do communicate with her... . in writing for example, you will have given her hard evidence that she can distort and show to authorities, family, or friends to undermine your reputation (or worse).

Forgive yourself... .    truly forgive yourself... .

There is nothing you could have done differently that would have created a different outcome.

These people are hard-wired to destroy their relationships and create chaos. 

It was always destined to fail... .    period... .    

It's simply of matter of when... .    

The relationship was only going to keep getting worse... .

No-contact is brutal... .    but time eventually heals the worst of it.

Respect... .  

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi,

I did attempt a friendship, and had some relative success, but overall, it was too painful and difficult.  I was still too attached on an intimate level.  I was still in love with her.  It became unbearable for me.  I believe friendship is possible, but only after an extended period of time apart and with very little to no intimate feelings for the person. 

If you still love her, I would suggest to stay away.  It nearly destroyed me.  I know I could not have a successful 'friendship' with my ex at this point in time. 

[Mr Bean]

I also figured it out, to have a friendship with someone who got BPD is just too complicated They are manupilative. We wouldnt know that she might want something from us by being her friends. Besides that, she doesnt care about our feelings either. There are a lot of people out there that are not BPD and are happy to be your friends. Why would u wanna make a friend with someone who got mental illness anyway?

[haliewa1]

There can be no healing in a r/s when one party continues to put themselves ahead of the other.  The hardest part for me, after the relationship had ended and the typical push/pull happened, was the fact that there would be a rational conversation or text that indicated my exBPDgf had come to some positive conclusions about the past.  Almost within 48 hours, she would lash out about how my part in the relationship was what submarined our future and how I "could" have had her if I wouldn't have lied!  I couldn't remember any lies that I had told so that was puzzling.  On top of it, I have now been notified through a friend, that she is on a week long vacation with her "new" partner.  It's so amazing that I want force myself to stand on the sidelines and watch the freak show!  I wouldn't get back into any conversations etc. with her and I believe my future and my mental/emotional health depend on that!

[mcc503764]

I have come to this conclusion myself... . bottom line, you cannot help someone who won't help themselves!  She suffers from a PD that we cannot control, influence, or steer the outcome in our favors!  That is reality, and acceptance, TRUE acceptance is what we need to move forward with our lives!

After acceptance, we need FORGIVENESS!  Not forgiveness of the BPD, but FORGIVENESS of ourselves!  Whether or not they are true BPD, is not our problem.  Most of us are not psychs, so it is not our place to determine their DSM diagnosis.  

The biggest obstacle that we face is LETTING GO!

I cannot tell you the # of times I have "recycled" with mine.  It eventually just gets to the point to where it is exhausting.  I think most people need to understand what traveling s%$tstorm uprooted our lives.  I think that is why people allow themselves to be recycled so many times.  It gets to the point to where it's not about true feelings of "love" anymore it becomes about our own personal need to try and make sense out of a situation that just isn't meant to be understood!

I just recently tried the "friendship" game with mine.  It appeared fine at first, but as it progressed and as old feelings were "rekindled," she pulled away.  This is where I saw the true "BPD" come out.  I watched her actions and was able to make intellectual sense out of it.  This ability actually did seem to help me.  Sounds odd, I know, but this actually helped me.

This allowed me to begin the process of forgiving myself!  It was pretty freeing actually because I was carrying around a mountain of guilt which was holding me back from living MY life!  This was obviously a personal process, which took me over 2 years to get through.  There is no timeline, or time table that we can use, as everyone is different.

Everything was fine during our last tryst.  But that's the thing with mine, in her mind everything cannot "just be ok / fine" for any amount of time.  There always has to be some form of "drama / chaos."  If there is none, then she has to create it by "pushing my buttons" to get a reaction out of me.  Then she uses that "reaction" to justify her pulling away.  That's not "love," that's the maliciousness of the BPD.

I realized that she did this throughout our entire r/s.  I was caught in a mindgame for the past four years of my life.  What I did to deserve that?  I haven't a clue, but I have grown from it and I am fairly confident that I understand it now, or the best that I am capable of.

They are liars and manipulators.  There will never be a "happily ever after" ending to our story.  That's fantasy thinking that I held onto for a long time and ultimately that thinking is what was weighing me down!

Trust me, it is easy to try every angle to try and "help" this person, or to "fix" them.  You cannot!  That is the reality of the situation.  I empathize for my x and I do care, but it just gets to the point to where it drags ME down too much!  It keeps me from living MY life!

Is there a soft spot for her in my heart?  Of course there is.  But she uses that against me.  That's NOT fair to ME!   I had to learn through an enormous amount of pain, that I am a valuable person in this world and that MY self-worth is what is truly important!

I know at the end of the day, I gave her as much as I possibly could!  If she were too blind to see it, or accept it, that's her loss, NOT mine.  I know what I am capable to give someone and that is all that matters anymore!  She is a stranger to me and that is where it needs to be!

I've begun to reclaim MY life.  I am done with her and her  games.  This was a process for me, but it's one that I definitely had to go through in order to grow from!

Her patterns, her cycles, her distorted view of the world is unfortunate.  But then again, that is not MY problem.  I thought that her feelings were MY responsibility.  I thought that I could change her perception of the world if only I were to “try harder?”  This only made her pull away.  She wont accept my love, that’s the reality of the situation.  I cannot control that.  That is not my issue.

Of course I have an emptiness inside of me.  One that I feel people have from time to time, but only I can fill that emptiness!  

The emotional abuse that I tolerated, in retrospect, makes my head spin.  Bottom line I guess it was necessary in order for me to grow.

As she was pulling away (a few nights ago,) she used “self care” as her justification.  Same excuse that she has used for the past two years.  She actually had the audacity to say to me, “when I feel that I am in a good place to be able to be friends with you or have you in my life, I will let you know.”  Really?  That’s on YOUR terms.  I told her that was not acceptable to me and that I tolerated her blatant disrespect for too many years and that I was done.  I wished her well, told her that I care, but that her conditions do not work for me.  She pretended to hold her head in her hands and cry.  She asked for a hug, I refused.  She got out of my car and I drove away.  That was MY first step to reclaiming LIFE!

MCC

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tordesillas,  The nature of the disorder is such that a pwBPD has little or no capacity to see their own role in the chaos, in my experience, as they are highly defensive and resistant to accepting responsibility.  For all these reason, I find it futile to attempt to get a pwBPD to admit that they have the disorder.  The message will not be well received, in my view, and is best left to a professional (which won't be well received, either, but you won't catch flack for it!).  The urge to help is noble, but has no place in this arena, in my view.  LuckyJim

[mcc503764]

It is NOT our place to make any label or accusation.  Essentially calling a BPD person "BPD," will not make some magical light come on in their own heads and make anything better.  I know we all wish it were that simple, but that's not the reality of the situation.

Leave that to the professionals, that is their job.

In the meantime, we all need to realize that we cannot possibly control the actions of another human.  We need to accept that.  It's very easy to try and become the rescuer for this person, but ask yourself this honestly... . if the roles were reversed would they do the same for you? 

We may have a relief that we can put our finger on their actions, but until they reach that "ah ha" moment in their own lives, there is no amount of bargaining that we can do that will change the situation.  I've wasted too much of my own personal energy on this person.  When I think of all the constructive / positive things I could have done with myself during this time, it makes me sick.

I still hold onto thoughts, hopes, and dreams in my own heart about how things could be with her, but that is wishful thinking!  I'd also like to think it's about as likely as winning the lottery... . Can you see the parallel? 

Point is, learn to care about yourself again.  Focus on you!  The rest will sort itself out!

Good Luck

MCC

[Octoberfest]

I have come to this conclusion myself... . bottom line, you cannot help someone who won't help themselves!  She suffers from a PD that we cannot control, influence, or steer the outcome in our favors!  That is reality, and acceptance, TRUE acceptance is what we need to move forward with our lives!

After acceptance, we need FORGIVENESS!  Not forgiveness of the BPD, but FORGIVENESS of ourselves!  Whether or not they are true BPD, is not our problem.  Most of us are not psychs, so it is not our place to determine their DSM diagnosis.  

The biggest obstacle that we face is LETTING GO!

I cannot tell you the # of times I have "recycled" with mine.  It eventually just gets to the point to where it is exhausting.  I think most people need to understand what traveling s%$tstorm uprooted our lives.  I think that is why people allow themselves to be recycled so many times.  It gets to the point to where it's not about true feelings of "love" anymore it becomes about our own personal need to try and make sense out of a situation that just isn't meant to be understood!

I just recently tried the "friendship" game with mine.  It appeared fine at first, but as it progressed and as old feelings were "rekindled," she pulled away.  This is where I saw the true "BPD" come out.  I watched her actions and was able to make intellectual sense out of it.  This ability actually did seem to help me.  Sounds odd, I know, but this actually helped me.

This allowed me to begin the process of forgiving myself!  It was pretty freeing actually because I was carrying around a mountain of guilt which was holding me back from living MY life!  This was obviously a personal process, which took me over 2 years to get through.  There is no timeline, or time table that we can use, as everyone is different.

Everything was fine during our last tryst.  But that's the thing with mine, in her mind everything cannot "just be ok / fine" for any amount of time.  There always has to be some form of "drama / chaos."  If there is none, then she has to create it by "pushing my buttons" to get a reaction out of me.  Then she uses that "reaction" to justify her pulling away.  That's not "love," that's the maliciousness of the BPD.

I realized that she did this throughout our entire r/s.  I was caught in a mindgame for the past four years of my life.  What I did to deserve that?  I haven't a clue, but I have grown from it and I am fairly confident that I understand it now, or the best that I am capable of.

They are liars and manipulators.  There will never be a "happily ever after" ending to our story.  That's fantasy thinking that I held onto for a long time and ultimately that thinking is what was weighing me down!

Trust me, it is easy to try every angle to try and "help" this person, or to "fix" them.  You cannot!  That is the reality of the situation.  I empathize for my x and I do care, but it just gets to the point to where it drags ME down too much!  It keeps me from living MY life!

Is there a soft spot for her in my heart?  Of course there is.  But she uses that against me.  That's NOT fair to ME!   I had to learn through an enormous amount of pain, that I am a valuable person in this world and that MY self-worth is what is truly important!

I know at the end of the day, I gave her as much as I possibly could!  If she were too blind to see it, or accept it, that's her loss, NOT mine.  I know what I am capable to give someone and that is all that matters anymore!  She is a stranger to me and that is where it needs to be!

I've begun to reclaim MY life.  I am done with her and her  games.  This was a process for me, but it's one that I definitely had to go through in order to grow from!

Her patterns, her cycles, her distorted view of the world is unfortunate.  But then again, that is not MY problem.  I thought that her feelings were MY responsibility.  I thought that I could change her perception of the world if only I were to “try harder?”  This only made her pull away.  She wont accept my love, that’s the reality of the situation.  I cannot control that.  That is not my issue.

Of course I have an emptiness inside of me.  One that I feel people have from time to time, but only I can fill that emptiness!  

The emotional abuse that I tolerated, in retrospect, makes my head spin.  Bottom line I guess it was necessary in order for me to grow.

As she was pulling away (a few nights ago,) she used “self care” as her justification.  Same excuse that she has used for the past two years.  She actually had the audacity to say to me, “when I feel that I am in a good place to be able to be friends with you or have you in my life, I will let you know.”  Really?  That’s on YOUR terms.  I told her that was not acceptable to me and that I tolerated her blatant disrespect for too many years and that I was done.  I wished her well, told her that I care, but that her conditions do not work for me.  She pretended to hold her head in her hands and cry.  She asked for a hug, I refused.  She got out of my car and I drove away.  That was MY first step to reclaiming LIFE!

MCC

Probably nothing that is not obvious to all those here, but I revel in the fact that someone else has been through the same stuff.  MCC, so much of your post rings so true for my own experience.  I too took her problems on as my own. I too had it in my mind, that if only I tried harder, and put up with this one more time, it would make the difference.  I refused to give up for so long, because in my mind I lost sight of the world without her.  As sad as that sounds, I literally could not picture life without her.  It became not a question of "ok that is the last straw, im done with her," but one of "when is the next tidal wave coming and how do i bow my head and hang on through it".  Looking back, I let her HORRIBLY disrespect me.  In ways i have never let anyone do.  When you love someone that much, you hang on to whatever scrap of goodness, or validity you see, because if you dont you have to confront the overwhelming evidence that your loved one is hurting you.

[caughtnreleased]

 i completely understand your desire to help. I too learned so much about BPD. It actually consumed me at a time when i really should have been looking after myself. My ex told me right away that he had BPD and so i don't actually have too many regrets about how i acted.  In my opinion i was a saint. we never fought, and we were incredibly kind and caring to eachother. BUT we got very close and that triggered him... . he then slept around, cut himself, and then started a relationship with someone else. I truly think he wants help, he admitted he needed it, but in the end he still ran from it and closeness and intimacy. Getting help really is up to them, not up to  you. I'm now trying to figure out my own needs and moving forward. Its tough to move on from someone whom i felt so close to and whose actions in the end really didn't value what we had... . the only thing i can do is accept it for what it was and wasn't and move on.