When the leaving involves moving overseas...

[Broken Dreams]

Hello.

It's been a while since I posted here. Up until now, when I have posted, it's been on the undecided board. But I've recently decided that I just can't take this any more; the impact on my mental health has become too much, even dangerous at times. I'm not the same person as I was before I got into this relationship, and I miss that other me.

So I've started thinking about how exactly I'm going to leave. It's a bit complicated in my situation as I moved abroad to be with my BPD boyfriend, so it's not a simple case of packing what I can in the car and driving off. One positive is that I do have a place to stay in my home country - it's just getting there with all my belongings that's the problem. Does anyone have any experience with this, where the leaving involves moving to another country? Also, I have very little money, which doesn't help.

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

Hello, Broken. (But I do think you should think about changing your name to "OnTheMend" 

While I've no experience leaving someone w/BPD while living overseas I hope to offer a little insight in to how to get away... .

Begin by putting the absolutely have to have stuff in a pile. Those things you can mail to your place in the states, go ahead and mail beforehand. Everything else (like for instance furniture?) Chalk it up as a loss.

Pack what you can in a suitcase or suitcases and leave... . immediately. Your safety and mental well being cannot hinge on personal possessions. Those are replaceable. You, my dear, are not.

Be safe and be well!

M.

[Broken Dreams]

Hi IwentWithMyInstincts, thanks for replying so quickly... .

I was kind of already thinking along those lines; there's a lot I'll just have to leave behind. I'm ok with that.

But I don't know what to do about my car. I could easily fit everything I'd want to take in the car, and just drive away. But the problem comes when I reach my home country; I can't register my car in my home country (the UK), because the car is LHD and cars have to be RHD there. I thought about selling the car before I go (I'll need the money I get from selling it), but that would take time and obviously my boyfriend would become suspiscious. Also, if I sell it, how do I get back with my belongings? It's very expensive to mail stuff, and I'm limited to what I can take on a flight.

This all seems so very complicated, and to be honest I don't feel in the best of  mental states to go through with it.  But I don't think things are going to get any better if I don't... .

[crystalclear]

Hey there,

M's suggestion is just the thing to do!

I wasn't living with my exbf, but was at his place (in another country) for few weeks and when i was asked to leave and never return - i booked my flight tickets and boxed all the 'absolutely needed' stuff - disposed the remaining in bags or just left them and left.

I made sure i had my passport, money, cellphone/laptop, clothes, and left. I dint care if i left back something as it could bought later on and was more important than my safety and self-respect.

Take good care and hope you be in a safe place.

CC

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

Again... . if your possessions are more important to you than your own well being then I can only foresee you staying in a situation that will inevitably break you down further.

I left some things behind when I left in the middle of the night. They are replaceable. I am not.

If you're committed to leaving then do it. If the something happened and half the planet was suddenly blown away tomorrow, I'd like to think people would be more concerned with helping their fellow human beings then worrying about whether or not they had their favorite shirt or their vehicle.

One of my favorite sayings is "There's no UHaul behind the hearst."

[Bach Cantatas]

Hi IwentWithMyInstincts, thanks for replying so quickly... .

I was kind of already thinking along those lines; there's a lot I'll just have to leave behind. I'm ok with that.

But I don't know what to do about my car. I could easily fit everything I'd want to take in the car, and just drive away. But the problem comes when I reach my home country; I can't register my car in my home country (the UK), because the car is LHD and cars have to be RHD there. I thought about selling the car before I go (I'll need the money I get from selling it), but that would take time and obviously my boyfriend would become suspiscious. Also, if I sell it, how do I get back with my belongings? It's very expensive to mail stuff, and I'm limited to what I can take on a flight.

Left hand drive vehicles can sometimes be legally imported to the UK. They can certainly be legally driven there for a period of time if insurance cover etc. is OK. Google "Importing a vehicle into the UK. Common questions and Scenarios"  Good Luck!

[Murbay]

Hi Broken Dreams, I can relate to your situation as I moved from the UK to be with my exBPDw.

She decided overnight that we would get divorced and that I would leave the country the following day. Something very difficult to do when you have packed up your life in one place and built a life in another country. The difference being though that we had a car between us so that part was quite simple. You might be best trying a dealership, explaining to them the situation and asking if they will buy the car off of you. The issue you would have with importing the car is that it would be much harder to sell in the UK.

As for everything else, I left with just a suitcase of the important things and left everything else behind. When my ex contacted me to see if I wanted anything shipping, I told  her if she felt someone else could benefit from those things, just to donate them. There are things I know I will miss and other things that I would have wanted to take with me but the way I look at it, when I left to move out there, I went with just one suitcase and built up a life with my ex. If I did it that way, I can surely do it the other way too.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[sadinsweden]

Oh Broken Dreams. I so feel your pain. I moved to Sweden to be with my guy. I would have been celebrating my one year anniversary here in Sweden on June 18th. I love Sweden but for the last several months I've been putting together an exit strategy. Unfortunately, that hasn't worked well for me due to funds and a really really poor support system here for domestic violence. I sold everything I had when I moved here and am now looking at being pretty much homeless when I return to the states. It takes a lot of bravery to walk out.

After the last month or so of dead ends here in Sweden, I too have just written a letter to family and friends and am having trouble actually pushing the damn "send" button. I keep believing in this relationship despite the fact I know there is no fixing it.

Sweetheart... . both you and I need to push the send button. Let's remember our self respect (self respect keeps coming into my mind) and also I keep thinking about that saying "It's better to be alone and happy than in a miserable relationship"

I too am flat busted. This often happens with expats who then find themselves in abusive controlling situations. But I can say to you... . the folks here will help you figure that all out. I received some amazing help and support here on putting together an exit strategy. I guess that strategy is now coming to fruition even if it's not exactly in the way I had planned.

[Broken Dreams]

You might be best trying a dealership, explaining to them the situation and asking if they will buy the car off of you. The issue you would have with importing the car is that it would be much harder to sell in the UK.

Yes, I think this is the best idea. The car is the only real problem out of all of my possessions - it's registered only in my name (my boyfriend doesn't drive), so I'm not sure how I'd stand legally if I just abandoned it here. And I think you're right about importing it to the UK being more hassle than it's worth.

Even if I could legally abandon the car, once I finally get back to the UK I'll probably be left with almost no money at all. I have a place I can stay once I get there, as I said, but due to a completely unrelated situation I'm very limited to how long I can stay there. I can't afford to "abandon" £1000 (or however much the car is worth). Other than that, I think it'll be a case of getting what I can in a suitcase too... .

Sadinsweden, it seems like we're in very similar situations. Is there not any family or friend in your home country who you could stay with temporarily, until you sort yourself out? I get what you mean about pushing the send button, I'm the same. I don't naturally share problems with family, so it was very hard to ask if there'd be a place for me to stay there and to tell them why.

Hugs to you all, and thanks for the replies. 

[whereisthezen]

Broken Dreams,

Can you take your vital things and put the rest in storage until your car is sold or you are in a better place to tackle that later on? Its stressful enough to leave, your things would be safe until you have time to sell/sort through it.

Just a thought. Keep posting!

[mango_flower]

I'm not one for lying, but if it keeps you safe... .

Sell the car, for cash.  Quick sale, take what you can.

Tell your boyfriend it's in the garage for a repair. 

Use the cash to just go. 

Be safe x

[Murbay]

Mango is right Broken Dreams, once you start, you need to do things quickly to protect yourself from any backlash.

After my ex's last rage and her decision that things were over, I was out of the country the following day. Only to receive an e-mail to say how devastated she was that I didn't wake her up to give her a hug goodbye. The irony being she raged one day because she had to call me to wake me up and told me it wasn't her responsibility to shout me.

It took 2 days after I left for the abandonment issues to kick in, nasty rages, false allegations and telling everybody that I walked out on her in the middle of the night without any warning. Everybody is different and react in different ways but as Mango said, just get the cash for the car and go, don't hang around for the aftermath.

[Broken Dreams]

I think I'm going to begin quietly preparing, looking into what I need to know about selling a car in this country (maybe visit a couple of garages). Then when I'm ready I'll sell the car and leave immediately - the same day if I can.

Since I'll be doing this on a very tight budget, I can't really afford to pay for storage or come back later.

Why do I feel so bad about this? I know it has to be done this way; if I was upfront about it my living situation would be unbearable until I left. (I don't think I'm in danger of physical abuse by the way - he's never, ever done that). But I feel terrible for plotting behind his back.