My daughter in law has BPD and she has alienated my husband and I from our son

[Tuleeaza]

Hi... . so happy to find this site!

Feeling frustrated and alone... . we have slowly come to find out that our son's wife of one year is Borderline.  He dated her a year before they got married and it was one miserable year for our entire family as she causes drama and havoc between all of us.  Against all of the red flags and our warnings our son went headlong into marrying her, not knowing exactly what her problem was, but knowing that she had some issues.  Our son had the noble desire to rescue her, believing he could restore her trust in men again as she had been abandoned by her alcoholic Father.  From day one their marriage has been a nightmare with his wife trying to control him even to the point of when he ate and how much he ate.  She is so insanely and irrationally jealous that she was even trying to control who he could look at.  I mean she literally would not allow him to look at other women, at magazines with women in them, at billboards of women, and constantly accused him of lusting after the woman that he employs at his office.  She even made him wear glasses and a facemask while meeting his female patients at his office and actually had him release one of his female patients because she was too pretty.  Our son has tried to accommodate his wife's craziness thinking it would placate her and she would learn to trust him.  He is a wonderful, godly man and has given her NO reason to not trust him... . but she simply cannot trust him... . in her mind all men are untrustworthy.

She began isolating our son from his friends, his men's bible study group and their church because she knew that some of them came to understand that they were having trouble in their marriage.  And of course she tried to keep our son from talking with us.  Her goal is to keep our son isolated so that nobody can talk any sense into him that he is not a monster and that she is the one with emotional problems.  Our son is finally beginning to understand how deep his wife's problems are.  He is seeing a therapist who counsels BPD's and their families.  This has been a huge help to our son.  He desires for his wife to get the help she needs so that their marriage will thrive.  He is a committed Christian husband, but the fact that she refuses any therapy is making it extremely difficult for our son to stay in the marriage.

Help?

His wife has a history of friends dumped along the way... . two nights before their wedding one of her bridesmaids bowed out of the wedding.  She literally has no girlfriends and the only people in her life are her Mom, sister, brother in law and a few other family members.  She has alienated her Mom and sister many times over not much at all.  They are all afraid to stand up to her because she uses evil measures to get back at them.

Needless to say this is a nightmare.  My son is leaning towards divorce even as a Christian, because she has no desire to seek help to change.  He is willing to stay as long as she is willing to go to counseling with him or even on her own.

Help?  Any advice or encouragement would be appreciated!

Tuleeaza

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Tuleeaza   and  

First of all, I'm so sorry that you and your family are having to go through all of this    I have family members with BPD also, so I know what you are talking about... . I know your son is seeing a T for living with a BPD spouse; have you shown him this website? I bet he would get a LOT of good information here that would help him also. Please know that there are many Senior members here on the different message boards who can help any/all of your family members with learning how to deal with and communicate with your DIL. Make sure you check out the Learning Center Message Boards; there are Workshops, Articles, Book Reviews for book recommendations, Videos, and lots of good threads to read. Also, of course, the other Message Boards for any subject that seems relevant to any of you.

The best book I've read so far for a great introduction to understanding BPD and learning how to communicate better with someone who has it is "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, though there are many others that are also very helpful. This website is filled with information on communication techniques like Validation, S.E.T. and DEARMAN and learning these techniques has changed my life    I have an adult son, another son's wife, and a MIL, with BPD (though only my son has been diagnosed officially), and what I have learned here has made my relationships with ALL of them better  

I wish you, your son, and your whole family much luck with this situation  

[pessim-optimist]

 

Welcome to this board Tuleeaza!

And thank you for your introductory post with your story.

It is heartbreaking when our kids are going through so much trouble and we get the front-row seat... .    

As Rapt Reader has said, this board is a very good resource for you and your husband, and could help your son as well... .

I have two questions, as I am trying to better understand your situation:

Are you in touch with your son right now?

Does he have children? (As that might complicate the situation, especially in case he decides to divorce)

Since you said that your son is leaning towards divorce, I would also recommend the book: "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder" by Bill Eddy LCSW JD, and Randi Kreger.

Looking forward to sharing more here on the board, as you are trying to make sense of it all and also finding answers and peace of mind... .