Hi lounap23 and
I met my wife 5 years ago and at first everything was great and we dated for about 4 months but from my side at the time my wife, then GF, was younger than me by 17 years and I felt like maybe she was too young I saw a lot of what I thought were immaturities in her and that is why we broke it off originally. In which time she tried to commit suicide. She has not ever done that since.
One of the major "themes" for people with BPD (pwBPD) is their disordered fear of abandonment. That is, they are afraid of any possibility that it could happen. They will also see such possibility when it doesn't exist or only exists in their imagination. And this fear may even be triggered by feelings of intimacy or familiarity; the closer they feel towards you, the more they imagine that you will abandon them. This is a disordered fear in which reasoning, and persuasion does little to mitigate.
She tried to commit suicide, because she interpreted your decision to break up with her as abandonment. She used the threat of suicide, to prevent you from leaving her.
Fight over my taking my daughter to get ice cream while she was at work. My daughter is from a previous relationship. So,of course many, many fights over my daughters Mom. I have no baby Mama drama. She just hated she was in my life. Now let me say she is great with my daughter. Though lots of outbursts with me.
You see, her fear of abandonment is such that she will interpret any kind of attention or affection on your part to anyone else besides her, as a potential threat that would cause you to leave (abandon) her. She doesn't hate your daughter. It's just that when she's overwhelmed by her disordered fear of abandonment, she may see you daughter as a possible cause for you to abandon her.
She even cheated on me twice, that I know of, once with a very good friend of mine, not anymore. Through all of this I felt like we worked through each issue but more issues would come.
People with BPD (pwBPD) when they get particularly overwhelmed by their fear of abandonment, will *abandon* (or betray) us in in order to avoid their imagined fear of abandonment. You see, you when are the abandoner, you can avoid being the abandoned. Sometimes they leave for good. Sometimes they leave just long enough for their disordered fear to dissipate.
Two years ago we married and after that it just got worse and worse. All the same fights over doing things with my daughter, my ex, me not doing enough for her. She would ask me to drive her to work all the time and many times I would but from time to time I couldn't or just it interfered with other things I had planned. I didn't think it would be a huge deal but anytime I didn't do something for her it was like the end of the world and the out breaks would be way to extreme for the situation.
As her feelings of intimacy and familiarity towards you grew, so did her disordered fear of abandonment. That is why she clung to you so desperately, to keep you from running away. The problem, though, was that you had no intention of running away, the problem was with her, she continued to imagine that you would run away. This is a problem of her mind (due to the disorder), yet she expected to you change and make sacrifices to appease her disordered feelings.
Anytime you didn't do something for her, it was the end of her world because she would choose to see your refusal as the sign justifying her disordered fear that you would abandon her.
After 2 years of marriage several months ago she left me and said she needed to work on herself. In a way I wanted her to do this. At first things were ok between us apart but I was traveling a lot for work and she would call and we would text and she wanted to remain friends. After 2 months apart she no longer wanted to be friends she wanted to get divorced.
She left you. Period. She couldn't handle her disordered feelings anymore, so she abandoned you in order to avoid her fear of abandonment. By starting a new relationship with someone else, in a sense, she "reset" her fear of abandonment. By being with someone with whom she has little (true) intimacy and familiarity, she is no longer overwhelmed by her disordered feelings, or at least she is much less overwhelmed. In time that while change. Just as it did with you.
Well I found out she is dating someone else now and the person is my former friend she had cheated on me with 3 years ago. I have been struggling hard to understand why all of this has happened because there was no reason for our relationship to fail in my mind. The fights were never over anything important.
That's probably because she was never willing to tell you truthfully (maybe she was lying to herself) why she fought with you. Because you'd be able to reason your way out of the blame she was trying to pin onto you. Because the reason why she fought with you, that she was afraid you'd leave her, has no basis in reality.
Over the last several months I have been trying to cope with this. When I started doing research on mental illness I came across all this info on BPD, now I am obviously not a therapist or a Dr. in anyway shape or form but everything I have read on BPD has me absolutely convinced she has BPD, including me becoming a co-dependent. Now I have no idea how to get over all of this and move on.
I still want to be with her, I still want to help her but my logical side knows there is nothing I can do and this inner torment is tearing me apart. I tried to keep the story short so I hope it makes sense, I know I left out a lot but any help in dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.
It may be helpful do decide for yourself what exactly you are dealing with. Are you trying to fix her? Are you trying to understand her? Are you trying to accept the nature of her disorder? Are you trying to come to terms with the pain she inflicted upon you by abandoning you?
I sometimes even want to reach out to my former friend and advise him of what he is dealing with and once their honeymoon phase is over things will turn south for him or she may call me, probably both who knows.
Would you believe anyone if they told you two years ago of this outcome? Moreover, there is a good chance that she has been speaking to him, and telling him a very distorted picture of how your relationship has been going. There is a good chance that in his mind, he is rescuing her from you. He will have very little reason to believe you.
I guess I have been devalued at this point. Though she has random texted me things that make no sense. Asking me if I still wear my wedding ring? Or Asking me if I can update her resume? Even asking me questions she know the answers to about the divorce? It's all so confusing to me.
The random things that she has texted you, gives you a window into her disorder. Now that she is attached to another man, in a sense, she doesn't recall any of the emotional content of her relationship with you. Sometimes she devalues you, in which case you should not hear from her at all, or if you do, you will hear her anger and rage. But sometimes, she will contact you, fishing to see if you are willing to re-engage with her. Why? Perhaps because she is starting to devalue the man she is currently with. These devaluations will be short lived (for now) and so her efforts to re-engage with you will be very scattered, and basically at her convenience (or need). Just like she cheated on you before as a way to managing her disordered feelings towards you before. She may now wish to use you as a way to manage her disordered feelings towards the new guy. Or maybe she'll even start back up with you. But she'll feel her disordered feelings again. She hasn't been able to establish that much distance from you yet; once she spends enough time with you, it'll all come back. Maybe she's been with you long enough that she'll never get comfortably distant from you. I don't know.
Yea my rationale brain knows to not say a word to him. But my loss for understanding here is why does she feel the need to see if I still want her. When she seems to have moved on?
She hasn't "moved on." She is alternating attachments. Just like she alternates idealization and devaluation. The thing is, she may not choose you as her primary attachment. You may not be aware of how many secondary attachments she kept while you were her primary attachment.
I think all she wants from you now, is to know that if she should need to run away from the new guy, you'll be around to receive her. And probably that's it. Unless the new guy is much less tolerate of her antics, in which case she'll need to find a new new guy. But maybe then she'll use you as a safe base of operations until he can be found.
Especially cause I had expressed reconciling with her and she looked like she might but then completely backed off and told me we can only talk about the divorce. Thank you for responding. I don't really have much support from friends and my family lives on the other side of the country.
So far your experience is consistent with what I'd expect.
It's just crazy how my impulse is to want to continue to help and want to warn my friend. I think sometimes I want to see them breakup faster and try to fix things with my ex. Which I know I need to not do at all but the urge is there and it's a constant fight.
Your impulse is normal. It's up to you how to best manage this impulse. I would put in my 2 bits by saying you probably don't want to go down that path because it is only going to end up with more heart ache and pain. You don't want to try to out-crazy crazy.
I know I have to get off the rollercaoster on many levels. I am not acting on my feelings but the urge is strong. You are 100% right I just eed to let them pass.
The urge you are dealing with, is another window into her disorder, in that I would argue that this is the same intensity of the urges she's felt in reaction to her fear that you would abandon her. Only she's chosen to act on her feelings, regardless of what a rational mind might conclude. How you choose to handle your urge is up to you.
I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. My brain tells me how much better off I am and how much happier I will be. It tells me it's someonelse else's problem now amd I am lucky. But my other side, my emotions, thinks about the 5 years we have had and wants to help. I go back and forth most days like this. I am glad I found this website cause I'm hoping this will be a great outlet for me to make sure I do not act upon any of my feelings that I shouldn't be acting upon.
Jekyll and Hyde. :)oes that not sound familiar? Like you can't decide if you love her and want to be with her, or if you'd be better off with her out of your life. Like one day you remember the angel you fell in love with, and the next day you're angry at the devil she's become. This is a taste of what an abandonment trauma can inflict on a mind.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
