Is is wrong to be a woman and have more than one person you've slept with?

[SadWifeofBPD]

It's become a circular one not really geared towards solutions - its more of a way for him to vent out his emotions out instead of dealing with his insecurities and fears.

this is a good point.  If the H refuses to stop this and accept your past, then this will never be solved.  And, I don't mean that all he needs to say, "I'll never bring it up again" because he'll still simmer and attack you for other things.  He needs to accept it fully or this will go on forever.

I find it weird that pwBPD will pick on something that is unchangeable as if there is a solution out there that can change the past.  

In this case, it seems (to me) that the H has come up with this as a justification for his own exit plan (that he's considering).  His words about the kids suggests that to me.

I think that this marriage is ending and the wife needs to be proactive and not let her H direct how it ends.

[UnknownBPD]

I agree.  He got angry again today and has now left. 

He has weeks and months that he's fine, sweet sometimes even.  But it gets more and more often and he's just so angry.  I just don't know why now when nothing is new.

Stress, mental break, or just doesn't want to be here so he's using this as an excuse so it's my fault.

I just want to protect my kids.  He has provided a nice life but made sure I couldn't take care of us.  It was sweet all those years ago when he wanted me to stay home with the baby but there was always a reason not to go back to work and then more kids and he made enough money so it wasn't a necessity.  I have no skills, young children who would need child care before and after school.  We love in an expensive area and I don't think I could even afford an apartment for us.  No way I could afford to stay in the house unless he gave me everything he makes.  Sometimes he says I can have it all other times he says he'll fight me for everything. 

Honestly, that is my biggest fear.  Letting my kids wallow when I could have tried to make it work.  At least get my oldest off to college.  No way to pay for that anymore.

Sometimes I think it is just an argument so I won't fight back and stand up for myself.  It doesn't hurt me as I'm protective of it, but it's just hard to constantly be yelled at. Other times, he seems to really think it is the worst possible thing and he just can't live with it.  How did he ,I've for twenty years and three kids with it and now decide its too much.

Is it just an excuse because of a,, the pressures of a family.  Is he just so unforgiving?  Is it the most disgraceful thing?

I guess I know it's over but I haven't figured out how to make it happen.  Mostly money right now.  I know I'll have emotional times and so will the kids but is it fair to drop the life they've known? 

I have a,it of thinking to do.

Thanks again.

[SadWifeofBPD]

how long have you been married?  Would you get adequate child/spouse support?

Do you and your H ever communicate by email?  If so, I would attempt to get his words in writing about how he doesn't care about you and the kids.  I would email and say something like,: Why do you say that you don't care about me and the kids and then save his response.  Getting that in writing would likely prevent him from getting much custody of these kids.

[musicfan42]

how long have you been married?  Would you get adequate child/spouse support?

Do you and your H ever communicate by email?  If so, I would attempt to get his words in writing about how he doesn't care about you and the kids.  I would email and say something like,: Why do you say that you don't care about me and the kids and then save his response.  Getting that in writing would likely prevent him from getting much custody of these kids.

good idea... . the email might be a bit too obvious though... . getting a dictaphone might be another alternative. you can get small ones and you could hide it in your jacket pocket.

I would also say check his phone-you may be able to get dirt on it.

[GreenMango]

Unknown here's the link for the legal board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

It may help to ask some of the senior members on what to expect in the event of divorce.  This may be him tantrumming and he comes back to the house.  Maybe he ends up wanting to stay. 

It's time to get the background stuff together - just so you know ... . Then it isn't the unknown as much.

[SadWifeofBPD]

This isn't just a tantrum or "the latest whim that will pass", the OP says that this has been going on for many, many, many years, and it's gotten much WORSE in the last 5-6 years.

We have kids and have been married 25 years and he is just so angry.

How old are your kids?

I still think that the H is vacillating about divorce and he's using this "big sin" to justify the possibility of ending it.  I'm starting to suspect that things got worse after the kids were born.   They've been married quite awhile, yet their kids are still young (daycare needs). 

[waverider]

I find it weird that pwBPD will pick on something that is unchangeable as if there is a solution out there that can change the past. 

This is common, because you can't change it you can't prove him wrong (in his mind) so it is a fool proof projection in his eyes. The more it works the harder it will be for him to drop it, almost like a compulsive addiction. He has become obsessed with making the accusation more than the original fact.

[waverider]

It is difficult to know the underlying reason why this is escalating, and probably dangerous to make assumptions. It probably is not about this issue, this is simply something known and safe for him to project with. Could be something akin to midlife crisis that men can go through, it is making him question who he is, is self worth, and what if he had done something different, grass being greener and all that kind of thing. I know I went through a bit of that once.

Only thing for sure is he is unsettled. Being unsettled is a grey area. pwBPD dont do grey, so they may latch on to an old familiar "black" like a comfort blanket and push it even more out of proportion than normal.

There is a fair chance that he doesn't even know why this has come so much to the fore, it just has. This does not make it acceptable, and you have to look after you. Which comes back to boundaries again. Work out your options as Green Mango as pointed out. That is not to say that is your plan, but knowing the options helps you keep yourself grounded, less trapped, easier to stick to boundaries and otherwise making decisions wisely rather than reactively.

Thinking and acting reactively becomes circular, and can be unnecessarily destructive.

Most of all dont assume anything. pwBPD often act like the end of the world in nigh, even when it is not. But you dont have to listen to it, it is his stuff after all.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Only thing for sure is he is unsettled. Being unsettled is a grey area. pwBPD dont do grey, so they may latch on to an old familiar "black" like a comfort blanket and push it even more out of proportion than normal.

What do you mean by "unsettled"?  do you mean that he's lost? not sure of what to do next?  Not feeling stable?  what does that mean?

[waverider]

Something could be agitating him internally without consciously knowing what it is.

pwBPD need answers, someone or something to blame, they don't like things that cant be attributed to something. One of the reasons for making up crazy reasons and conclusions, whatever fits, in their mind

Extreme version of when we feel on edge, without always knowing why.

Thats why often addressing issues with logic often does not work as the apparent problem is not the real issue. So your logical response hits the wrong note, making it worse.

Inability to recognize/acknowledge a problem within their own mind leads to inappropriate methods of expressing it... . Hence you have little chance of really addressing it effectively.

[UnknownBPD]

We have been married twenty-five years.  Three kids.  S is 15 and two elementary school Ds.

My udBPDh is a legal professional who runs his own business, which causes me two great fears.  First, he knows a lot of lawyers and I think he would really run me over the coals.  Secondly, because he has his own business, I fear he would tank it so his income dropped so much that he wouldn't have much to give me.  You can't give someone something you don't have.

It would be hard to find a good lawyer that he doesn't know and I'd like to talk to someone, but fear that if I do and he finds out, he'll really get angry.  Until I'm ready, just think that may be too big of a step yet necessary.

I guess I realize that if I go, it will be better with many hard times and questioning my decision, but it all just boils down to financially providing for my kids and myself anymore.  It seems to be the only valid reason I've stayed this long.

Anyone got good lotto numbers?

[SadWifeofBPD]

It would be hard to find a good lawyer that he doesn't know and I'd like to talk to someone, but fear that if I do and he finds out, he'll really get angry.  Until I'm ready, just think that may be too big of a step yet necessary.

Are you in a country that has atty/client privilege?  If so... .

If you talk to a lawyer (don't tell ANYONE his/her name) and your H finds out, then sue that attorney for everything she/he's got because the atty or someone in his office violated your privacy.  That would be a huge violation of atty/client privilege and you'd have no trouble finding another atty to take on that suit.  

[SadWifeofBPD]

pwBPD need answers, someone or something to blame, they don't like things that cant be attributed to something. One of the reasons for making up crazy reasons and conclusions, whatever fits, in their mind

That is true.  They don't like things that they can't attribute to something/someone other than themselves. 

I've noticed that when my BPDH is behaving normally and does take responsibility for something that he did wrong (when there's no possible way to blame anyone else), then he does so.   But, doing so probably plays havoc with his mind (uh oh, I'm not perfect), because it's not unusual for him to then go crazy sometime later over something minor or something he can try to blame on someone else.

[momtara]

Haven't read all the responses, but right away, this is sick and bizarre.  And you know that, deep inside.  People told me I lost perspective, while in my relationship, about what's normal behavior from a partner.  Look at this:

" He tells me that we're not really married, i am married to someone else.  I can't tell him I love him since I said that to someone else. He did these things too but since he's a man, it doesn't count."

RIDICULOUS.

I'm pretty prudish and that is all RIDICULOUS.

People have relationships before the person they marry.  Some involve sex.

I am sorry that you have to deal with someone like this, who has multiple sides (there must be good sides too, otherwise you wouldn't be with him).  But you deserve someone who appreciates the warmth and love you give.

[elessar]

I will reply as a man who is slightly old-fashioned and give my perspective. No you are not wrong. You were in a 2 year relationship. People have physical relations in a relationship. That is expected. I wouldn't mind if my future wife had 10 1-year relationships and slept with all 10. For me it gets concerning if she has had strings of one night stands, because that might tell there is something else going on with her.

I don't know if I can forgive if she cheated on me. Or if she is a BPD and constantly breaks-up but wants to be remain friends in that grey area has multiple partners. Those are the things I don't think I can get over. But being in relationship before we ever met each other does not make you a bad person. I call myself old-fashioned because I am not comfortable with dating a woman who has had numerous flings and one night stands with guys from the clubs/bar scenes. I don't do that and I want to be with someone who doesn't do that. And if your husband wanted to marry a virgin, he should have made it clear 25+ years back. So no, what you have done is not wrong.

I wish you the best!