Hi Mango_flower,
I can't seem to get closure, even in my own head.
Getting closure for us, is like coming to terms with grief. It doesn't happen suddenly. The pain comes in waves. We take extra care of ourselves when we go through it. And it helps when we find a way to ritualize the grief. Getting closure for us, is about letting go. And letting go may be one of the hardest things in life.
7 months on, I still am prone to tears just starting to roll in public places when something reminds me of her... .
If it gets too much, then avoid the places that remind you. But consider finding occasions when you invite the reminder. Schedule the grief, so that it does not sneak up on you.
I feel resentful that I am still here, silently loving her after all she has done. I think I love TOO unconditionally. I'm too loyal.
You love the way you need to love. It's ok to be loyal. I remember loyalty being a very important quality I valued. I still value it, but not above other qualities now. It's fine to be loyal to someone else. But be certain your loyalty is justified and returned with equal commitment. For a while, it might be more important to be more "loyal" to yourself before you give your loyalty to anyone else.
She has a tendency to see the bad in the past, and paint people black. I'm the opposite, I only remember the good.
But with the forgetting of the bad, it means that I have a tendency to idealize her... . or idolise her, who knows.
You may need to practice remembering the bad. Because to only remember the good, means you are sabotaging your decision to disengage from her.
When we are attached to someone, it is human nature to be biased towards those things which reinforce our attachment. If you are choosing to detach from your SO, you will need to practice recalling the memories that reinforce your detachment.
I'm starting to convince myself that she isn't BPD, she is just hyper-sensitive and I was not sensitive enough to her needs, so she left because she deserved better. (I am blunt, and she used to call me "autistic brain" because I'm not that sensitive... . (yet funnily enough I am one of the softest people you'll meet, hence why i'm still crying over her, 7 months on... . )
You need to consider that your tendency to recall only the good, is an act of bargaining (a stage of grieving). And you are not quite willing to accept letting go.
I'll never know the truth as to what really happened. And that kills me.
You may never know the truth, but you will come to accept things as they have come to be. If... . you endeavor to let go.
Was she really cunning and devious and had my replacement lined up?
Maybe, but pwBPD are notoriously effective at seducing people. There is a reason why they are often compared to Greek sirens.
Or was she genuine when she said "I don't know how this happened, I never thought I'd fall in love with somebody else, I wish I hadn't".
It may help you to see their actions as more instinct based, than intellectually based. And this would be true. She follows her instincts, and probably doesn't understand them.
Maybe that's normal, it happens. Maybe she's normal and I'm just projecting BPD or something?
Maybe it's normal for her. But I don't think she's not disordered.
Why do you need answers? Because as human beings, we seek to find meaning behind the big experiences in our lives. And I think you will find that meaning for yourself. You may not find a specific answer that makes all your questioning go away. If you are like me, then your very act of questioning and seeking is an effort to avoid facing painful things about yourself. I say, keep seeking for your answer, but don't forget to also take care of yourself.
Best wishes, Schwing
