light bulb sort of went off... please help me understand...

[BrewCrew17]

So, A light bulb sort of went off in my head today. None of it makes me feel any better, but it might provide some more clarity.

My ex is undiagnosed but since finding this board, it seems that her behaviors exhibit strong characteristics of BPD. I have been in a constant struggle since the break up, been receiving the silent treatment for what has been going on 5 months after giving 3 years of my life to her AND her young daughter. I am mentally exhausted, and overall, trying to recover from being a broken person.

Anyway, what I wanted to discuss was the influence of a BPD mother has on their children. My ex's mother, also undiagnosed, the more I think about it shows traits as well. She grew up with an abusive father, pays no mind to her husband even though they are still married, and treated her daughter (my ex) basically as a need. There was no emotional relationship or connection between the 2 of them at all. Is it possible for BPD to be "passed down" in a sort of sense. My ex, as far as I know, was not necessarily abandoned as a child, but her father paid no mind to her, her whole life. And her mother, like I said used her as a need. She seemed to go back and forth with her daughter between painting her black and white, but, when white, she it seemed to be on the basis of need. Men are nothing in that family, and I seem to have been the next one in that. Yes one was abusive, and should be a nothing, but I seemed to be next in the line of men who do not matter.

When my ex moved out of state to be with me, her mom seemed to paint her black then too, possible because she abandoned her for me? Her mom really did not acknowledge her too much after that point, only used her so she could talk to my ex's baby. That was all she cared about. I am wondering if this is a pattern, and something my ex obtained from her mom. Her mom seemed to have the true traumatic experiences that go along with the BPD. She seems to be a true BPD. HEr mom was also friends with my mom for over 40 years, painted her black and never spoke to my mom again after my ex moved in with me. She blamed my mom for my ex leaving her and coming to be with me.

What is funny is, my ex did not seem to care her mom did not really talk to her. She seemed emotionally detached from the situation, but when she left me, she started to call her mom agian, probably because now she needs her and is filling a void. 

While so hard to believe because we shared so much at one point, I am wondering if I am better off. I hate admitting it to myself, but I see where my ex went now, total downgrade, and it just makes no sense to me. Any feedback or thoughts, or similar stories would be appreciated. Is this a normal pattern?

[BrewCrew17]

I might add, so my seems go back and forth painting her mother black and white as well. She has run from home in the past, and gone back to her mom when she needed her. She didn't need her mom when she was with me, so they did not speak, but since my ex left me, now they speak.

Interesting.

[cal644]

Wow - your light bulb triggered my switch too... . my stbex parents really had nothing to do with her when she married me - and my wife hated her family just the same,  It's funny now looking at it they are always together (they need each other) my wife used to complain how her sister got everything from her parents and she didn't, she used to joke if her sister got married the husband would be marrying her parents too,  Now after the split she is the bright child again, and her parents are wonderful.  It amazes me time and time again how I see what she used to hate and despise - now she loves or should I say now she needs.

[confetti]

hi brewwy 

i know we've talked before~ this is pretty interesting to think about!

but perhaps you are spending too much time trying to figure things out to remain in the drama?

i know you love her, i know you love her daughter, i really do... .

but you are still soo wrapped up still without any breaks for yourself to just really breathe. you are my friend and it worries me that you still feel this stress.

do you have things that you really enjoy doing on your own?

i am an N and frequently flip between caring about my parents

it depends on what I want or need at the time

it doesn't feel great when guilt time cones around

[BrewCrew17]

Sorry. The pain is so deep, so real. I do miss her. I am a mess. Perhaps maybe messed up, I don't know. I don't even know how to give myself a break.