Treading water... getting tired

[PonyGirl]

Link to my intro in new members: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202472.0

I've only been aware of the possibility that my husband's behaviors may be related to BPD for about 5 months. Since that time, and through the recommendation of our MC, I have been reading and researching and trying to understand what is very likely incomprehensible... . Prior to having an actual 'pseudo-diagnosis', I just assumed my husband was irrational, selfish at times, insecure about his sense of self, passive aggressive and manipulative. Why stay? Because, there was balance. He can also be the warmest, most romantic, caring, funny and down right attractive man. The good times were very, very good. But the balance has shifted and I am tired.

Example: This week I was contacted very late notice by a friend who had backstage passes and tickets to a big concert. I knew my husband loved this band. But she only had one ticket (or so I was told at the time) and I contacted him to find out how he'd feel if I went. I told him I would decline the tickets if it would upset him for me to go (talk about co-dependent   ). He told me to go have fun. I should have known this wouldn't go well, but I really wanted to think positive and give him the opportunity to prove me wrong.

Get to the show and the person who had given my friend the tickets had to cancel, so another mutual friend of ours was there in her place. Fun for me, but had a feeling this would blow up in my face. Send pics of backstage and some videos of the show to my husband, because I thought he would really dig seeing that stuff and because I truly did feel bad that he didn't get to see it. I start getting snippy passive aggressive emails like,

    "great, thanks for sharing. glad you are having fun. I'm headed out to the bar and will be back later",

    "guess what, I just bought one VIP ticket for (listed three upcoming events we both had planned on going to together). It will be awesome. I am super excited to go by myself. I can't wait."

    "I thought there was only one ticket? Why is so-and-so with you guys? Is her husband there too? Why was I the only one that wasn't invited? you know how much I love that band."

From there, it just spiralled out of control with him. I was accused of rubbing his nose in the fact that I was there and he wasn't. He got pretty ugly. Said horrible things. I was supposed to drive him to the airport he next day for a business flight. Told me not to (i knew he was bluffing). I disengaged and let him rant. Went home after the show and woke up to accusatory texts blaming me for being too drunk to take him to the airport (um, i think I had one beer the whole night) that I was probably cheating on him, blah, blah... .

I went to his place to pick him up for the airport anyway (because I knew it would be worse if I didn't) and he was hyper passive aggressive, said his mom said I was selfish for not taking him last night (they weren't my tickets!), that I just do what I want to, etc. When I get him to the airport, tone changes and he says we have a few minutes and he wants to talk. Leave the airport, pull over to talk. I can see his anger boiling up and I know he is going to blow, especially because I am not engaging in an argument with him. He jumps out of the car, throws his wedding ring on the seat and storms away. I know what he wants. He wants me to chase after him and beg him to stay. Every part of me is screaming that he is a big boy and he can be accountable for his actions, but I also know he is off the deep end, not thinking rationally and if he misses his plane, it will not go well for his new job. So I pick him up, ask him to not leave me, put his ring back on. Everything is now fine.

He flies to his conference, and I start getting texts that he loves me and wants to ML when he gets home. All typical responses for after one of his 'events'.

I know most here have experienced similar or worse. I know my situation is far from unique. I love my husband. But I am feeling like I'm drowning in his issues. That my needs continue to be placed on hold. And, the more I read about BPD, the more I fear living in a life where I routinely am the second priority. Right now I am frustrated, tired and feeling very overwhelmed. As I mentioned before, as long as he stays in counseling, I have told myself I will stay and work on myself and our marriage. I'm just having such a hard time today. Tired of the roller coaster running me over.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

That is definitely quite a story and a crappy way to start your week off. Being exhausted by it sounds normal.

Usually a very good place to start is to work on ending the verbal/emotional abuse. You can do that effectively by setting boundaries. The short version is don't stick around when he decides to berate you. You won't be able to talk him down, talk reason into him or anything else... . getting away (temporarily) is your effective move.

Another member just worked through this issue... . you can read how it went here... . it was a HUGE improvement for her!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0

Can we give you more help with this?

 GK

[byasliver]

Ponygirl, I don't have any advice but just want to say I know exactly how you feel as that's how I've been feeling lately. My uBPDh has improved some lately (no rages in awhile) but, as you said, my needs come second (or third, fourth... . last) and I'm growing very weary of it. I've reached a point where I know I must make a decision which basically boils down to this: stay for him or leave for me. My husband is so mired in his illness that the "good times" are extremely rare. He has improved his communication with me about himself but there is very little concern for me. I cannot remember the last time he asked me about anything going on with my life. I have learned to use the tools quite well and even taught SET to him (which he used the S-T parts well... . not so much the E) and learned radical acceptance. Where I'm struggling is accepting that this is as good as it gets. Like you, I feel like I'm just constantly treading water - watching everything I say and do and not getting any reciprocal care from him while he benefits and gets all his needs met. I really don't know that I can settle for this forever. We have a "date" later today... . part of me is just waiting to see how that goes.

I'm sorry I can't give you more than just a sympathetic   but I will say that you are the first poster on here whose story sounds so very much like mine. Just knowing someone else understands makes me feel just little bit better and I hope my understanding helps you some, too.

[waverider]

Problem is he forced you into JADE, made a big gesture and you caved. You then reinforced how he can behave to make you effectively apologize for it.

Dont put too much weight into what his mums input was. He would have told her a twisted truth, then twisted her words back to you. It is the seeds of triangulation.

Bottom line is the dramas is his, allow the consequences to be his. By trying to go into damage control you take on stress, and perpetuate the behavior.

Easy to say i know... .

[byasliver]

Waverider always gives INCREDIBLE advice and insight! He's pretty direct and that can be hard to take at times but it's better than dancing around the truth. Listen to him - he's quite wise. 

[waverider]

Waverider always gives INCREDIBLE advice and insight! He's pretty direct and that can be hard to take at times but it's better than dancing around the truth. Listen to him - he's quite wise. 

cheques in the mail

[waverider]

By the way JADE=  Justify, Argue ,Defend, and Explain... . puts you on the defensive and back pedaling. You trying to stick to the facts, they say whatever they want true or not. causes you to slide off the moral high ground and question yourself, resulting in over compromising.

Like arguing with the little kid who says "why?" to nearly ever answer you give, until you get angry or give up

[Angelnme]

Wow my b/f pulls crap like that with me ALL. THE. TIME. It's so refreshing to find people here who understand!  However, I'm so terribly sorry that you experience his ill behavior. It is frustrating and exhausting. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're here

[PonyGirl]

Thank you all so very much for your support and insight. I just read through the link GK provided and have to say the definition of boundary setting really struck a chord with me. I know that when working with horses, consistency is the key. I feel like I should be translating some of that aspect into my relationship with H (I know it sounds silly, but is something I can detach and relate to when just thinking about behavior modification. Trust me, I understand that BPD and relationships with human beings are much more complicated then that ;-)). 

I wasn't aware of the JADE concept, but it clearly makes sense and helps me categorize what is happening in the moment. I know that my inconsistencies in response are not helping the situation at all and are most likely fueling future behaviors. I'm journaling a lot and looking at patterns in behaviors and incidents, both his patterns and mine. It's helping me to get a better grasp on effective communication (or detachment) with my H during times of high stress/outburst).

My H is high functioning and is a very smart man. But when he is in that red zone, he really does seen to be a traumatized angry child lashing out. I know how he got there. But it doesn't make it ok that he turns that rage towards me. His abuse is verbal, all emotional. When anger doesnt work with him, when I'm not engaging his argumentative side, if I pull away and detach and remove myself from the situation, he turns his behavior to threatening to hurt himself, or manifests some health concern. Logically, I know why he is doing it. And in the past, I have called his bluff, told him I was calling an ambulance or that is he threatened taking his life again, I would call 911. This only enraged him more, blaming me that I would threaten his job by airing his dirty laundry like that. I really don't know what to do in those situations. When he is in that state, I don't know if he would hurt himself. I know it's not my responsibility to save him, but if he did do something and I didn't stop it, how do I live with myself? I know, I know... . codependency at its finest... .

I'm still trying to find my way. But I am ever so grateful that I have found this safe place to vent and seek help for myself. I apologize in advance for any spelling errors. Typing all of this on my phone so H doesn't get wind... .

[PonyGirl]

Angelnme and Byasilver, hugs to both of you and thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry that all of us find ourselves here. As much as I hate that you all are going through this, it is comforting to know I am not crazy and that there our others out there who understand.

Waverider, I welcome your feedback and any 2x4's needed to knock sense into me  . I appreciate a blunt, direct approach and am thankful you stopped by my thread to help.

GreyKitty, thanks for the link. It was more helpful than I can express.

[waverider]

I really don't know what to do in those situations. When he is in that state, I don't know if he would hurt himself. I know it's not my responsibility to save him, but if he did do something and I didn't stop it, how do I live with myself?

First technique of domination put your opponent in a position of doubt and self questioning guilt.

You will hear about Radical Acceptance on these boards. it is a two way thing, not just accepting his disorder but also learning to accept what you can and cannot do. Learning to accept that if they do ultimately harm themselves, it is not your fault and that you can live with that, you can do your best and accept at times that will not be enough. Harsh, I know but it is the only way to defuse this common threat the pwBPD use.

[waverider]

Using over simplified analogies is a handy tool to start dealing with BPD. BPD itself has some basic principles but is shrouded in a huge amount of smoke screening and side issue, it is easy to get distracted from the main problems. You cannot try to address everything at once. So analogies help you focus on simple core process, even if not completely accurate they keep you focused and in the right ball park.

[Angelnme]

Our situations seem to have a lot in common. My bf is high functioning, very smart, very successful. Which makes it hard for me to believe that all of his malicious choices toward me are because of the BPD. He recently cheated. You can't tell me that he didn't know what he was doing! He is undiagnosed so he doesn't turn around and blame the BPD but I bet he would. But he blamed me! I like how you worded it: when he's in the red zone he seems to be a traumatized child lashing out. So precise, I so agree... . because he is! And no, it's not ok that they take it out on us. But thanks to learning about the disorder, I understand why, and I am learning techniques to respond vs react. Hugs to you as well 

[PonyGirl]

So, interesting thing happened this weekend. One mild temper tantrum before meeting up with friends on Friday. Made it through and had a really good, uneventful evening with friends. Saturday the two of us went to a baseball game. Our team blows this year, so we actually spent a good deal of the time just talking, since nothing was happening on the field.

H opens up to me (on his own, out of the blue) about his father and how he worries sometimes about his family's history of mental illness and how it might be impacting him. He has concerns about his behavior and doesn't understand all of it. Very briefly mentioned to me about how he would hurt himself when he was a late teen/early 20's, hitting himself or cutting. He has NEVER said anything of the sort to me before. I didn't ask questions, I just sat and let him talk. Honestly, I was in awe that he was speaking about these things with such clarity. He told me that he has been thinking about bringing this up with his T, but he's not ready yet, still building a relationship with her. I validated, and gave verbal and physical support/comfort to him.

He mentioned it again the next morning, about how he has never talked to anyone about that before. He said his GF at the time took the brunt of it, because she lived through all of those behaviors with him. Again, just gave him a safe place to talk. Tools I have been learning lately have been coming in handy. In the past, I may have responded by asking more questions, pushing him into an uncomfortable place, or tried to help him by suggesting things to do or certain resolutions. None of that would have been helpful at all. Just letting him speak and listening quietly was the best thing I could do.

I know my H has been doing a lot of introspective thinking about himself and his life. As I said before, he really is high functioning and does have the capability for empathy. So does that mean maybe he isn't BPD, or has BPD tendencies? I'm not sure, but I can only guess that him opening up about this stuff this weekend is a positive step.

We'll see where it goes from here.

[PonyGirl]

Oh, and forgot to mention, I have never said anything to my husband about my concerns he might have BPD or any other issues. Maybe it's something that has come up in his individual sessions, but I have never implied to him that i have thought there could be an issue, all of my books on the subject are locked on my iPad, as is my journaling. So, I can only assume that these revelations are truly his own.

[Grey Kitty]

Whether he has BPD, has BPD tendancies, or none of the above... . is somewhere around #4,761 on my list of important questions to answer.

The better question is this: Are you finding that the tools and lessons here on this website help you interact with him? Are they letting you work on improving your relationship?

In my case, the answer was yes, these tools helped me and my relationship. And my wife was definitely higher functioning, and her behaviors had been getting worse over a few years before I found this place. She has always been one to do some work on herself, and was higher functioning. I changed my behaviors... . and that gave her a bit of a nudge and some room to change hers too!

I have to say that this is a very good sign, and you did a fantastic job this weekend!

And I'd also like to say don't expect progress to be straight up on an even slope. In fact, he may have "scared himself" with this vulnerability and could suddenly need space or start acting out. Try not to get too upset if this happens, as he will probably swing around again in the right direction later.

[PonyGirl]

Thank you GK. Regardless of what dx my Husband has, I have found the tools and advice on this forum, the books I have been reading and from my T to be very helpful.

Taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best, while still maintaining my boundaries.

[allibaba]

Ponygirl,

Your exact situation right down to the post concert messages sound like something from my history too!  The tools on this site are amazing.  And waverider and grey kitty will steer you in the right direction! 

I have found that when I lay down boundaries... . my husband starts opening up.  Its shocking when it happens... .

And I'd also like to say don't expect progress to be straight up on an even slope. In fact, he may have "scared himself" with this vulnerability and could suddenly need space or start acting out. Try not to get too upset if this happens, as he will probably swing around again in the right direction later.

I second what Grey Kitty said... . expect the backwards slides.  Since I started on this journey about a month ago (the Dealing with Verbal Abuse post) my husband has blown up probably 5 times.  One was bad but I was able to successfully detach with love and it wasn't that bad for me. 

The verbal abuse went from daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) to minimal.  This weekend my husband told me that he was so happy that I am starting to find myself... . we have been working together around the house AS A TEAM with minimal conflict... . and he shared that his behavior around our son was starting to scare him because he didn't want our little one to learn how to cope with stress in the same unhealthy manner that he used (talk about self awareness!)... .   He also stopped himself BEFORE he blew up one day and BEFORE I was even able to put down my boundary... . he stopped apologized for his behavior and said that it was never ok to speak to me like that (WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU PUT MY HUSBAND?) 

Good luck on your journey  

Also its great that you guys do things together (baseball, concerts)... . sounds like you have the opportunity for a wonderful life together.



 

[waverider]

To deal with the frustration of the two steps forward and one step backwards that seems to go with this always keep in mind that you are progressing, and it is the journey forward and having a sense of direction that is important (overcoming the treading water feeling), not the daydream of the perfect RS. That rarely happens, even in a non dysfunctional RS.

Keep a mind on where you once were so you dont get too overwhelmed by what seems like hopeless situations of the moment. One of the downsides of learning about this disorder is that you start to see flaws in areas you were blissfully ignorant of before. That is really were embracing acceptance and sense of how far you have come are really important.

Some people like to keep journals, even using smileys to rate good days and bad days. Seeing more smiles reminds you things re improving, even if on that day it feels hopeless.

[waverider]

  He also stopped himself BEFORE he blew up one day and BEFORE I was even able to put down my boundary... . he stopped apologized for his behavior and said that it was never ok to speak to me like that (WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU PUT MY HUSBAND?) 

That's the result of consistent boundary reinforcement. Without consistency nothing gets achieved

[allibaba]

  He also stopped himself BEFORE he blew up one day and BEFORE I was even able to put down my boundary... . he stopped apologized for his behavior and said that it was never ok to speak to me like that (WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID YOU PUT MY HUSBAND?) 

That's the result of consistent boundary reinforcement. Without consistency nothing gets achieved

I had a feeling consistent boundary enforcement would have a positive result... . I have known this for about 2 years... . but I was too scared to do it... . and when I did I was too focused on making sure that he knew that I was putting down a boundary.  "You will not do X." He saw it as a rule to break and we were trapped in a cycle of ineffective boundary setting.    I also thought that it would take a lot longer to have significant positive effect.  I guess because I was so bad at it before... . effective boundaries were a big contrast for him. 

[waverider]

Consistency does not need to announced it becomes apparent. Often making an "announcement" is almost like a controlling challenge, to be fought at all costs.

Being consistent becomes a habit, even a personality trait change, for you too, and takes the stress away from endless negotiations over the same issue.

This is something I am working on hard too at the moment

[PonyGirl]

Ups and downs over the past few weeks. Some really good stuff and some stuff I finally put my foot down and detached from (or tried to).  H spiralled quite a bit this weekend, revolving around Fathers Day, was irrational, blaming me for things that were obvioulsy not my fault, etc.

I now see the pattern, I see his behavior and reaction to my responses. I stopped enganging him back, realized that this has nothing to do with me, stopped trying to defend or convince, validated but didn't encourage. He went on and on for a few days, threatening quitting counseling, that he was a failure, that he has no money (all just not true). But instead of trying to get him to see the truth or help him through... . I backed away and protected myself. It got much worse when I let go. He acted out much more than usual. I am assuming looking for a reaction from me?

When he was finally in a rational state, I let him know his behavior scared me, that I didn't know what to do when he was like that. And I left it at that. Didn't tell him what to do or try to fix it. He apologized (which is normal) and didn't respond much beyond that, just went about our normal conversation.

But the next day, he called our therapist and rescheduled an appointment for himself that day (as he had cancelled his appointments in his irrational state). We haven't talked about his appointment other than he talked a lot about his parents and that it went well. Tonight, we are going to a baseball game.

I don't reallyhave any questions. Just venting and trying to track my changes in my responses. thanks

[allibaba]

          

Just wanted to say that YOU ARE AWESOME.  Its so difficult to put this stuff into practice.

Good for you Girl!

[PonyGirl]

Thank you Allibaba.    It's definitely a learning curve to remain conscious of my reactions to his behavior. But it seems to be paying off, at least right now.

Last night we went to the ballgame. Our team was not doing well so H wanted to walk around, get some food and shop. While we were up, inning has two homeruns with five runs. H pitches a fit and says he wants to go home. All angry, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Directing his anger at me, like it's my fault he didn't see the game.  This time, I just stopped and looked at him and let him know that if he wanted to go that was his choice, but I wanted to go to go back to our seats and watch the rest of the game and I would very much like him to join me.  He followed begrudgingly... . but when we got back to the seats, he apologized for being a jerk. That's a new one. Quick turnaround. That scene would have gone on much longer with lots of defending/convincing in the past.

So, slowly but surely... . we're getting there. Not sure where 'there' is yet, but it's farther along then where we were.

[allibaba]

That's SO awesome.   

[waverider]

Thank you Allibaba.    It's definitely a learning curve to remain conscious of my reactions to his behavior. But it seems to be paying off, at least right now.

Last night we went to the ballgame. Our team was not doing well so H wanted to walk around, get some food and shop. While we were up, inning has two homeruns with five runs. H pitches a fit and says he wants to go home. All angry, like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Directing his anger at me, like it's my fault he didn't see the game.  This time, I just stopped and looked at him and let him know that if he wanted to go that was his choice, but I wanted to go to go back to our seats and watch the rest of the game and I would very much like him to join me.  He followed begrudgingly... . but when we got back to the seats, he apologized for being a jerk. That's a new one. Quick turnaround. That scene would have gone on much longer with lots of defending/convincing in the past.

So, slowly but surely... . we're getting there. Not sure where 'there' is yet, but it's farther along then where we were.

Firm and concise communication always works best. Its black and white, they understand that. Odd thing is they will drag you into the grey world of compromise if you let them, the irony is that once there they don't speak that language so you end up with poor communication

[PonyGirl]

H asked me to go to his IC appointment with him on Monday and used that time to basically "come clean" about all of the things that had happened while he was living on the east coast, the affairs (he fessed up to more, told me their names), the random online chatting and sexing withwomen he met at bars or reconnecting with women from his past through facebook. Told me about the dating sites he joined to meet women (where he met one of the OW). None of them knew he was married and I wasn't living there to find out. And all of these occurred after the third year of us living bicoastal and after his abusive father committed suicide and tried to have my H find his body (which thankfully he didn't).

It was really hard to hear. I felt like he had ripped that scab off that had built up since I had found out about the only one I knew about. Seems he was carrying on with two at a time. I had begged him to tell me absolutely everything when we decided to reconcile the first time. I had "a feeling" I wasn't getting all of it, but wanted to trust him so badly that I shut that voice up. Well, I thought I did, but I know a lot of the anger I was feeling about it was bubbling up and causing tension anyway.

He also told me that since he has been home, three of the women (two being the phycial affairs) have texted him recently and he has communicated back and forth. I think this has been the hardest for me to deal with. Because we have been going to counseling and he has been telling me about how impotant our marriage is and that he never wanted to hurt me again. Yet he maintained contact with them, because he admitted he was afraid I was going to leave him, but that he didn't think at the time it was a huge deal because they all live on the east coast. He says now he knows it was wrong and he hurt me and that's why he wanted to come clean about everything. And he has been.

I have been asking question after question and am finally getting all the answers that he has kept hidden from me. He is answering with no hesitation and even if he knows the answer makes him look horrible and will hurt me. But we have been very respectful and mindful to be matter of fact throughout the question and answer period.

He is telling me he has so much work to do on himself. He has so much to figure out why he has been a liar and a cheat (his words) for so much of his life. We have talked about separation again, to give each other space, for me to be safe and for him to work on himself.  But, honestly, it scares me to leave him. How pathetic is that? Even after all this, I still love him and don't want to leave. Even my counselor has told me to be mindful of my own health and to make the decisions that are best for me, not because I think I need to be there to take care of him. I know she is pushing for me to leave. She sees how damaged he is. She has mentioned the BPD, sexual addiction, the childhood traumas, possible BP. It's all so much. And if I was my friend looking at my situation, I would tell myself to go. Then why is it so hard for me to walk away from him, after his most recent betrayals?

I used to see myself as such a stong woman and now I don't know what I am. Co-dependant? abused? Hopeful? or just really delusional?

This sudden change in his behavior, the truth and sharing and finally acknowledging his wrongs without pointing the finger at me and trying to have me believe it was my fault somehow... . is this all a typical phase? Will it be more of the same? Or could it be the catalyst for change?

[Grey Kitty]

  This does seem like a good sign. Coming clean about something is a step on the way toward stopping it.

This is his path, and it is his choice where to go next. Almost nobody is able to keep going forward without taking a step back now and again. Nobody can say exactly what his next steps will be except your H himself, and even he may not know from one minute to the next.

Meanwhile, for you, it has to hurt like hell to realize all of this, and you do need some healing after hearing all this.    Give yourself some time to heal.

I used to see myself as such a stong woman and now I don't know what I am. Co-dependant? abused? Hopeful? or just really delusional?

This may be ahead of what you are ready for right now, but here's my take:

In your shoes, I'd ask myself what I want to be of those (and other) choices. In other words, what are your values?

Then ask myself what category I'd put my prior actions into. In other words, how well have you been living up to your values.

And last I'd ask myself if I need to make some changes.

[waverider]

This a post I put on the undecided board, the last parts of it may be applicable to your situation with the desire to come clean and your actions to reconcile. It was in response to the question of why me? But covers why we forgive and keep on trying

"What have I done to deserve to fall in love with someone with this disorder?"

Two major things often influence this, these combine to make you take the bait that others would pass over.

Deep down we are often at a time in our lives where we could do with a little validation, whether consciously or subconsciously. A pwBPD craves validation, so they sense this and immediately "bond" with it, they then pour feel good validation on you as that is what they want back themselves. To them validation is important. They then fill you with tales of woe, so that you then put on the rescuer hat (which also validates your sense of worth) and start validating back.

This is the basis of the early bonding and you are hooked.

Your need for validating is soon satisfied and you start then wanting a normal balanced RS. Their need for validation is not sated, it cant be, it is bottomless. Dramas and crisis are then created to try to draw more pitying and validation. The whole thing becomes unbalanced and the rot starts.

To survive this you have to disengage from the dramas and realize a lot of the early behavior was merely them mirroring what they thought you needed. Now it is about what they need.

They need you to be there as a rescuer, so all sorts of promises will be made to ensure you dont leave after they dump all over you. You dont, so this is the new acceptable standard. They dump on you, promise not too. You stay. The cycle is then reinforced as normal. Owning they have a problem does not fix it, as that then becomes a valid "excuse' and you are even more guilted into forgiving. You are feeling as though you are getting to the core of the problem, light bulb moments, but at the same time the difficulty in distancing yourself becomes harder as you accommodate them more as they appear to be trying.

The resentment and feeling of entrapment increases, and you can start to feel ashamed for allowing this to happen, but loyalty makes you stay because they are "trying". Pity also becomes part of the hold.

How to break this cycle? One way is start to separate your stuff from their stuff, so that you have your own independent self, and depend less on them.

Do not be afraid to leave then to deal with the consequences of their own behavior, rather than protecting and covering for them.

At the end of the day, all this is easier said than done, so dont beat yourself up when you fall short, we all do.