FOO is toxic for me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've realized that my family is toxic as hell for me, during this last bout.  Not that there was even much going on... . there really wasn't.  Just more contact than I've been involved in over the past few years.  A clearer perspective.  Compared to before when drugs and social services and crazy abuse charges and madness going on all over the place with certain family members was happening?  This was a cakewalk.

I simply cannot deal with them other than a holiday meal or an hour or two here and there; there's too much history, too much bad juju, too many coincidences to think that if given the chance, they'd suck me right back in to the drama and unrest, upheaval.  That's where I'm supposed to fit in.

Even if they have the very best of intentions, I will never trust them fully again.  I'll even give them the benefit of the doubt and say that none of what they do is intentional... .  It's just the way they roll... .  Into dysfunction junction.  But, to let my guard down?  Well, that would be asking for trouble... .

I've been grinding my teeth more, unfocused, not feeling like doing the things that I enjoy... . because... . I'm thinking about them, dealing with them.  Thinking of the wasted years I spent trying to get my mother's approval, kissing her a$$, doing her bidding, feeling just bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechhh!  

And then it's like, Yep!  They're toxic for me in large doses.  

Reality?  They do not give a ___ about me until I'm useful in some way.  My dad used to say the same thing and he was right.  Nobody respected him for giving in.  He got flack and abuse for giving in.  Yep, I'm an integral part of the dysfunctional dynamic  IF  I stay in my designated role.  

I won't and didn't.  I put up boundaries for protection and they worked!  I recognized my old friends, Guilt and Selfishness while they were milling about with no host to attach to.  Tried to even feel guilty and selfish for not feeling guilty and selfish  They got bored and moved on... .

I cried a little.

This was a huge hurdle for me with my FOO.  To face them head on and simply protect myself.  No fanfare, no ugly words... .  detachment and acceptance.

Acceptance that my feelings about my family are valid, to me.  I don't need their or anybody else's approval for how much/how little interaction there is with them.

I had to laugh... .  A friend was telling me that I should say this, and if someone was doing it to them they'd blah blah... .  Basically, call out the behaviors in an emotionally charged fashion to put an end to it.  I said 'yea, and that would keep it going... . '.  No, she said, 'If someone called me out on a bunch of stuff, I wouldn't talk to them!'  I said 'that's not how it works in my family, it adds fuel to the fire'.  She again said something I should say/do and I shook my head no.  

She told me, "You're no fun".  

I said, 'That's the point'

And a big old sigh of relief that I'm really truly learning how to take care of myself

I cannot thank this website enough!

[123Phoebe]

I've realized that my family is toxic as hell for me, during this last bout.  Not that there was even much going on... . there really wasn't.  Just more contact than I've been involved in over the past few years.  A clearer perspective.  Compared to before when drugs and social services and crazy abuse charges and madness going on all over the place with certain family members was happening?  This was a cakewalk.

I simply cannot deal with them other than a holiday meal or an hour or two here and there; there's too much history, too much bad juju, too many coincidences to think that if given the chance, they'd suck me right back in to the drama and unrest, upheaval.  That's where I'm supposed to fit in.

Even if they have the very best of intentions, I will never trust them fully again.  I'll even give them the benefit of the doubt and say that none of what they do is intentional... .  It's just the way they roll... .  Into dysfunction junction.  But, to let my guard down?  Well, that would be asking for trouble... .

I've been grinding my teeth more, unfocused, not feeling like doing the things that I enjoy... . because... . I'm thinking about them, dealing with them.  Thinking of the wasted years I spent trying to get my mother's approval, kissing her a$$, doing her bidding, feeling just bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechhh!  

And then it's like, Yep!  They're toxic for me in large doses.  

Reality?  They do not give a ___ about me until I'm useful in some way.  My dad used to say the same thing and he was right.  Nobody respected him for giving in.  He got flack and abuse for giving in.  Yep, I'm an integral part of the dysfunctional dynamic  IF  I stay in my designated role.  

I won't and didn't.  I put up boundaries for protection and they worked!  I recognized my old friends, Guilt and Selfishness while they were milling about with no host to attach to.  Tried to even feel guilty and selfish for not feeling guilty and selfish  They got bored and moved on... .

I cried a little.

This was a huge hurdle for me with my FOO.  To face them head on and simply protect myself.  No fanfare, no ugly words... .  detachment and acceptance.

Acceptance that my feelings about my family are valid, to me.  I don't need their or anybody else's approval for how much/how little interaction there is with them.

I had to laugh... .  A friend was telling me that I should say this, and if someone was doing it to them they'd blah blah... .  Basically, call out the behaviors in an emotionally charged fashion to put an end to it.  I said 'yea, and that would keep it going... . '.  No, she said, 'If someone called me out on a bunch of stuff, I wouldn't talk to them!'  I said 'that's not how it works in my family, it adds fuel to the fire'.  She again said something I should say/do and I shook my head no.  

She told me, "You're no fun".  

I said, 'That's the point'

And a big old sigh of relief that I'm really truly learning how to take care of myself

I cannot thank this website enough!

[Grey Kitty]

I've read your very helpful posts to newbies and some other members here, mostly about their issues... . not read much about what sent you to bpdfamily.com originally... . and I saw this title and thought to myself "Phoebe sounds way too together to be stuck in a toxic morass with her FOO."

I just love your comment that being no fun is exactly the point!

[123Phoebe]

I just love your comment that being no fun is exactly the point!

Grey Kitty, there was silence after that comment... . It works!

[heartandwhole]

Great post, Phoebe, and congrats to you!  I know that isn't easy, but I'm not surprised that you managed to do it - I'm sure with class and dignity, too.

I totally get the "you're no fun" comment.  I think sometimes people are stunned when I don't defend, I don't engage, the potential dust-up doesn't even get a chance to get going - it's like the other person didn't get something they really wanted (a vent?  a fight?  a ego boost? ).  It just gets real quiet, real fast 

Keep up the great work - and keep sharing it with us! 

[laelle]

Phoebe 

[123Phoebe]

Thanks heartandwhole and laelle

It's something... .   Recognizing my own contributions to situations, whether it be engaging, igniting, withdrawing or simply taking care of my own best interests. 

I used to feel invisible and that nobody cared, so I'd make myself visible with some twisted unformed thought that 'they'll have to care and appreciate me now, as I save the day'.  Pfft, doesn't work that way.  Not with my FOO or anybody else for that matter.  And you know what?  They're not crying in their soup or thinking about me in any way, good or bad, or if they are?  So what.  They're doing their own thing and that's fine and dandy.  Their thing simply doesn't fit in with my thing at the moment.  No big deal.  It's only as big as I want to make it.

Ugh, this growing up stuff is something... .

Thanks for your support

[Phoenix.Rising]

123Phoebe,

I hear a lot of progress.  I've always gained something from your posts.  You have a lot to offer.  I understand about the FOO toxic soup.  I've recently realized that my mother most likely has BPD.  This has and is quite difficult to come to terms with, as I'm seeing the impact it has had on me. 

I understand being "no fun" as well.  It reminds me of being "boring" with pwBPD.  I do this with my mother now fairly frequently.  It helps with not engaging in the dysfunctional dance.  Keep taking care of YOU.  That's what matters most.  Besides, you're not capable of taking care of them anyway.

[123Phoebe]

Thanks Phoenix.Rising for your kind words; really needed to hear them today.

I've recently realized that my mother most likely has BPD.  This has and is quite difficult to come to terms with, as I'm seeing the impact it has had on me. 

The impact it has on us is astounding!  Did you think it was normal for the longest time?  I did.  I mean, I knew something was off, but I had the uncanny ability to rationalize it away, to my mother's benefit/my detriment.

I think I've finally reached the final grieving stage-- Acceptance.  Thought I had before, but this feels different.  There's no going back to wishful thinking.  I grew up

[Grey Kitty]

Phoebe, that is what I was thinking when I saw this thread--I've only seen your posts on this board and seen you welcoming new members... . Being on a different home board, I never read your original posts. The person I saw posting was compassionate, wise, and well grounded.

Or as you put it, grown up

You sound a little surprised at your progress. I'm not... . I just didn't really think about how far you had to come to get here.

[123Phoebe]

I just didn't really think about how far you had to come to get here.

Hi GK

I guess that's what's weighing on me in a sense... .   Having to fight through the darkness of crazy-land to arrive into emotional adulthood.  Nobody should have to work that hard, ya know?  I'm feeling sorry for my 'little girl' self.  She really tried hard to normalize a completely nonsensical environment.  She tried to change it.

It's sad in a way, completely giving up the dream.  My rational sense knows it's right, as I find nonsensical stuff going on all over the place... .  

There is no going back.  And I guess that's the simple answer.

Moving onward and upward sounds exciting though!  It feels exciting, too

Thank you for recognizing me as a grown up  

It's taken a long time to be able to see it for myself.

Hope your day is filled with peace, love and blessings!

[Phoenix.Rising]

The impact it has on us is astounding!  Did you think it was normal for the longest time?  I did.  I mean, I knew something was off, but I had the uncanny ability to rationalize it away, to my mother's benefit/my detriment.

Yes, I did think it was 'normal'.  If it was for my "mother's benefit", if anything it has kept her in denial, so it has kept her sick.  She is almost 70 now.  I am 44.  I don't see myself suggesting to her that she might have BPD at this point in her life.  I don't see where that would do any good.  What do you think?  I've been reading 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', and it has just been blowing me away.  Anytime I've tried to confront my mother with her issues, she is a master at diverting it and someone turning it around back on me or someone else. 

I have wondered for a long about something being not quite right with my mother, but I couldn't really put my finger on it.  It is becoming very clear now.  She meets a lot of the criteria for BPD, and I believe I've had multiple relationships with women with BPD or BPD traits.  I'm convinced my most recent ex was BPD.  She is textbook after all I've read, compared, observed, experienced, and studied.  The dysregulation really gives it away, in my opinion.  That blank, empty stare she would get on occasion.  And the silent treatment, the idealization, the push/pull, alcohol abuse, changing identity, etc.

It is difficult coming to terms with all of this, but like you said, you are growing up.  I hope to think that I am, too.

[123Phoebe]

Yes, I did think it was 'normal'.  If it was for my "mother's benefit", if anything it has kept her in denial, so it has kept her sick.  She is almost 70 now.  I am 44.  I don't see myself suggesting to her that she might have BPD at this point in her life.  I don't see where that would do any good.  What do you think?  

I honestly don't think there's anything we or anyone else could do for our mother's, unless they wanted to help themselves.  And I also don't believe we kept them sick.  I don't know about yours, but mine has a posse of 'believers' in her tale of woe is me.  If it wasn't me, it was/is somebody else trying to make her feel good.  She finds these people!  How does she do it?

No, I would never tell her about BPD.  I used to keep my mouth pretty much shut even about some of her behaviors, until I was going through a very heavy time in my personal life; getting divorced.  That's when I really started putting 2+2 together and called her out on a bunch of stuff.  Whoa, it got pretty ugly and our relationship has been different ever since.  I thought we were making some good headway over the years since then and I guess part of me wanted to believe that she was changing... .  Being in closer contact proved otherwise, not only with her but with other family members too.  

So, what's happened is that I've changed.  I can handle them in small doses, that's it.  Yes, I'd like to have a nice close happy family, but it isn't that way.  The 'closer' we get, the closer we get to the familiar dysfunction as it's a powerful force.

I looked it in the eye and saw it for what it is.

I do love my family and have a pretty good understanding of how it came to be the way it is.  I just don't wish to be very involved in it, I wish it were different.  It isn't.

So, onward and upward!  With no guilt or strings attached

Yea, 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' kinda freaked me out.  :)eep stuff.  And I've married/dated a few Cluster B folks myself

Such is life... .  We're getting the hang of it