Not Perfect, But I'll Take It

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This morning I was in the yard doing a little gardening and then spray painting some dollar store ceramics in chrome (I love repurposing!), and when I came in to get a drink, I heard a message on my machine ending.  BPD mom had just called, and I heard the tail end of her message.  I had been so relaxed, I had vacated her from my mental real-estate, and was enjoying my creative endeavors.  ARRGH!  Crashing sound of my happy moments hitting a brick wall!

I sat down with my glass of water (maybe vodka would have been better- but I don't drink!), and took relaxing deep breaths.  My husband is out with little man at his lacrosse tournament, my older son is still asleep, so I am alone with these thoughts and anxiety.  After a while, I turned on the machine to hear what she had to say, and what I heard was surprising. 

She apologized.  Actual apology- with no buts this, or excuses, or reasons- just an "I was wrong."  Now, don't be too amazed- it didn't sound sincere- it sounded like she was taking the martyr role.  But I'll take it.  She didn't apologize for yelling at me, or for the other crap she's done during the whole getting rid of the creep saga, but I'll take it.  As long as she realizes that she can't cross certain boundaries, I think that's probably as good as it will get. 

I think she is starting to realize that as much as it pains her, she really needs me for the out of state furniture move.  My sister is fairly lazy and my brother, while not lazy, isn't really good at self direction or knowing what needs to be done.  I like to call it "boy-clutter-blindness".  I also think that she knows that my boundaries are firm, she crossed them, and in order to receive the benefits of my services, she needs to spread a little sugar. 

So, I'm sure by the tone of her voice she is feeling like a martyr- that she has to apologize for "something" in order to get me to do what "I should be doing for her".  It's not perfect, but this I can handle.  She will always drive me bananas and she will most likely never change. 

I'm still anxious about the out of state furniture move, but I think I'll change my plans a bit.  I had planned on riding in my sister's car to save gas $.   I think I'll ride in my own car so I don't end up stuck in a situation with no escape.  I'd like to be good to the environment and to my pocket book, but I'd rather protect my psyche from possible ambush. 

I haven't called her back yet.  I plan to wait until DH can listen to the message before I call.  I want to make sure I really hear what I think I'm hearing.  DH and I were just talking about this last night.  So often, I have been left feeling like a crazy person, and I mean certifiably crazy, because FOO told me that I didn't remember things the way they really happened, that I am too emotional, or that I read too much into others' actions and/or words.  And while I now know that I really am not crazy, when it comes to FOO, I do sometimes doubt my reads or experiences.  I still ask DH, ":)id that really happen the way I think it happened?"  And he always looks at me and says "Of course it did.  How can those people act so crazy?" 

It's not perfect, and won't ever be.  But for now, I'll take this situation- but I will absolutely keep my boundaries firm and my mental real estate in my control. 

Just. Breathe.

Daisybird

[Daisybird]

This morning I was in the yard doing a little gardening and then spray painting some dollar store ceramics in chrome (I love repurposing!), and when I came in to get a drink, I heard a message on my machine ending.  BPD mom had just called, and I heard the tail end of her message.  I had been so relaxed, I had vacated her from my mental real-estate, and was enjoying my creative endeavors.  ARRGH!  Crashing sound of my happy moments hitting a brick wall!

I sat down with my glass of water (maybe vodka would have been better- but I don't drink!), and took relaxing deep breaths.  My husband is out with little man at his lacrosse tournament, my older son is still asleep, so I am alone with these thoughts and anxiety.  After a while, I turned on the machine to hear what she had to say, and what I heard was surprising. 

She apologized.  Actual apology- with no buts this, or excuses, or reasons- just an "I was wrong."  Now, don't be too amazed- it didn't sound sincere- it sounded like she was taking the martyr role.  But I'll take it.  She didn't apologize for yelling at me, or for the other crap she's done during the whole getting rid of the creep saga, but I'll take it.  As long as she realizes that she can't cross certain boundaries, I think that's probably as good as it will get. 

I think she is starting to realize that as much as it pains her, she really needs me for the out of state furniture move.  My sister is fairly lazy and my brother, while not lazy, isn't really good at self direction or knowing what needs to be done.  I like to call it "boy-clutter-blindness".  I also think that she knows that my boundaries are firm, she crossed them, and in order to receive the benefits of my services, she needs to spread a little sugar. 

So, I'm sure by the tone of her voice she is feeling like a martyr- that she has to apologize for "something" in order to get me to do what "I should be doing for her".  It's not perfect, but this I can handle.  She will always drive me bananas and she will most likely never change. 

I'm still anxious about the out of state furniture move, but I think I'll change my plans a bit.  I had planned on riding in my sister's car to save gas $.   I think I'll ride in my own car so I don't end up stuck in a situation with no escape.  I'd like to be good to the environment and to my pocket book, but I'd rather protect my psyche from possible ambush. 

I haven't called her back yet.  I plan to wait until DH can listen to the message before I call.  I want to make sure I really hear what I think I'm hearing.  DH and I were just talking about this last night.  So often, I have been left feeling like a crazy person, and I mean certifiably crazy, because FOO told me that I didn't remember things the way they really happened, that I am too emotional, or that I read too much into others' actions and/or words.  And while I now know that I really am not crazy, when it comes to FOO, I do sometimes doubt my reads or experiences.  I still ask DH, ":)id that really happen the way I think it happened?"  And he always looks at me and says "Of course it did.  How can those people act so crazy?" 

It's not perfect, and won't ever be.  But for now, I'll take this situation- but I will absolutely keep my boundaries firm and my mental real estate in my control. 

Just. Breathe.

Daisybird

[ScarletOlive]

Glad you got to hear a real apology, Daisybird. It is great that you're taking the good you can get out of this while upholding your boundaries. You should be very proud of yourself and these accomplishments!  Driving on your own sounds like a good move to take care of yourself. Sending you much caring and support. 

[nomom4me]

That is a great way to approach interactions with the N parent, read this just before a call with my mom and it was helpful.  Not expecting an apology from mine... . but she's not asking me for anything (right now).

Taking your own car sounds like a good plan, if you don't put your own needs first, don't expect anyone (especially your N parent) to put you first.

If I can maintain boundaries and can cut the interactions before they get too nutty, that is good enough for me.

[Clearmind]

Mom saying "I was wrong" would have taken courage.

When you do talk to her its important not to rescue her from her uncomfortableness - she needs to own it herself without you saying something like "Oh thats OK Mom", ":)on't feel bad" etc. Its likely you have played this role in the past - making things OK for her.

A simple thank you and move on would be a good idea.

[Daisybird]

Thanks for all the kind and supportive responses.  DH listened to her message and he agreed with my assessment.  He also thought that her apology seemed insincere and that she is most likely apologizing because she needs my services.  So, it's not perfect, but it's probably the best I'll ever get- so I'll take it.

I didn't call her back until tonight, though.  I would feel a rush of anxiety was over me every time I thought about returning her call.  My heart would beat a little faster, my breath would shorten a bit- so I waited until I thought I could handle it.  When she answered, she acted as if nothing had happened between us.  After I said "Hello Mom", she went right into her great bargains that she picked up at a neighborhood wide garage sale this past weekend.  I know it's not the healthiest was to deal with problems, but with her- it sure is the easiest sometimes.  Just pretend it didn't happen. 

And right now, I don't have the energy to not pretend.  I'm getting ready to teach a new class in two weeks.  It's a new class- so I'm starting everything from scratch.  It's only two 8 hour days, but it's a lot of work creating the power points, quizzes, and assignments.  Combine that with preparing for a vacation directly after my class is over, helping her with the out-of-state furniture move, and just trying to enjoy my boys over their summer break, I just don't want to spend any more energy than I have to on her. 

Oh- and Clearmind- you are SO right.  Not only do I try to make her feel better, I have a tendency to fall into my role and apologize for feeling hurt.  (because I always read people wrong or misinterpret their words and/or actions- and my feelings are never correct- at least that's what BPD mom and her ens tell me)

Nomom4me- I still plan to take my own car.  Just because things are calm now, doesn't mean that it will stay that way.  And I'm glad my approach helped you- that's what this place is all about- learning from each other's mistakes and successes.

ScarletOlive- Thanks for the encouragement.  Right now, I don't feel especially proud.  I feel tired.  I feel sad that I have to put up with this and that pretending doesn't fix anything.  But I know that there is little possibility that anything will ever be fixed.  So- I'm just tired of never having closure, never feeling heard or validated by FOO, and tired of having to keep my guard up.  I am doing better than I did in the past, so I am proud of that.  But mostly just tired.

Thanks again for the support and letting me vent.  Again!

Daisybird

[Clearmind]

Oh- and Clearmind- you are SO right.  Not only do I try to make her feel better, I have a tendency to fall into my role and apologize for feeling hurt.  (because I always read people wrong or misinterpret their words and/or actions- and my feelings are never correct- at least that's what BPD mom and her ens tell me)

Ummm Yep I did the same. I really dislike feeling uncomfortable so I make everyone around me comfortable so I don't have to feel.

Its OK Mom will be fine. As kids we were prescribed to make it OK for them - conditioned in a way - as adults we don't have to... . you get to choose and Mom needs to be an adult too.

BTW - your feelings are valid and they are real - please don't dismiss them. You were told to not have feelings when you were a kid - that was safe. Feelings and emotions of all kinds are completely natural part of life. We try to stuff them down... .