How do I set boundaries

[Angelnme]

I am in a 9-yr relationship with a BPD, and I plan to leave as soon as I am able. He does not know that he has BPD; i recently self-diagnosed him. In the meantime, I am working on learning how to communicate with him more effectively. On one of the message boards, I read "None of us who were hurt by our borderlines had healthy boundaries in place." Ouch. I want to deny that but I can't.

So how do I set healthy boundaries and reinstate my core values without threatening to leave? He does not know that I plan to leave, because of the whole abandonment thing and all hell would break loose. How do I say, for example, "it is not acceptable to call me names, threaten me, yell at me, treat me like ___, etc.; it needs to stop" without following it up with an "or else"? And the only "or else" would obviously be "or else I'm leaving you". By the way I've asked this of him for 9 years now and it obviously WON'T stop. And yes, I do take full responsibility for allowing it to happen repeatedly and not leaving sooner... . not having healthy boundaries.

Any suggestions?

[Validation78]

Hi Angel!

Welcome to bpdfamily.com. If you are not quite ready to leave yet, you may consider posting on the Staying Board, or at the very least, reading The Tools on that board. There is a lot of wisdom there both in the tools, and from the members who are putting the tools into practice.

For now though, to help you with your question, you have to realize that boundaries are not rules we impose on others. They are rules we impose on ourselves. That means that you cannot tell another how to behave, what to do and not do. You can however control how you will respond if someone crosses your boundaries, and behaves in a way that is not acceptable to you.

For instance, he starts to rage, you leave the room or the house, saying nothing more than, I am leaving, and will return when things calm down. Say it it a calm and controlled tone of voice, and do what you say. It's hard at first, and he won't like it, however, you must convey, through your actions that you will not stay around for abuse, and rages are abusive.

You can read much more about boundaries and values in The Tools, and if you have questions, ask the other members on staying, they are all very eager to help!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Angelnme]

Thank you, Val, that helps a lot! I appreciate your support very much.