How do "normal" breakups differ from breakups with BPD's?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In trying to explain to my parents how I am trying to heal from my relationship with my BPD, I have made the point that getting over a BPD relationship is not the same as getting over a "regular" relationship... . And I then realize that my relationship with my dBPDex was my first and only relationship, and I don't really have room to make the comparison.

I have seen numerous posters on here talking about other relationships prior to and after their BPD relationships, so I thought I would ask-

Are breakups with BPD's harder or worse than those with healthy people? I guess do you get more attached in general to partners with BPD than normal ones?

I know that maybe this isn't the best worded question, but I hope that my intent is clear.  Basically is it fair to say that breakups with BPD's are more damaging and harder than normal ones?

[Octoberfest]

In trying to explain to my parents how I am trying to heal from my relationship with my BPD, I have made the point that getting over a BPD relationship is not the same as getting over a "regular" relationship... . And I then realize that my relationship with my dBPDex was my first and only relationship, and I don't really have room to make the comparison.

I have seen numerous posters on here talking about other relationships prior to and after their BPD relationships, so I thought I would ask-

Are breakups with BPD's harder or worse than those with healthy people? I guess do you get more attached in general to partners with BPD than normal ones?

I know that maybe this isn't the best worded question, but I hope that my intent is clear.  Basically is it fair to say that breakups with BPD's are more damaging and harder than normal ones?

[DeltaAlpha]

 

I think the BPD breakups are harder because:

1. the feelings you experience at first are SOO intense.(a typically normal r/s builds up slowly)

2. you are promised "forever" and the whole world and you believe it.(again, the usual r/s goes slower with less grandeur)

3. you are idealized and so is the pwBPD - you become convinced that you can cure cancer and make world peace.(not so much with a usual r/s- I remember being more grounded and realistic in otr r/s'

4. the breakup, fallout, or whatever is sudden or unexplained.(versus building up conflict at a slower pace)

5. you take most, if not, all the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.(this one is tricky, but I still state it to be so - in my otr r/s'  there was at least some effort that my SO was willing to work at)

6. the pwBPD quickly turns against you, treats you like crap (yep, you guessed it! much more quickly than . . )

7. you are quickly replaced so fast that it'll make your head spin and your stomach turn - adding to the pain that you already feel. Rejection times rejection.

[mcc503764]

To answer your question, YES they are harder!  

I am basing this from my experience, but I would have to agree with your statement.  

I do just need to state what I have taken away from mine, and I will say that these r/s are like no other that I have had in my life.  Is it because "they are BPD," or "we are... . ?"  I tend to avoid the labels myself, because I have come to the point personally that it doesn't matter anymore.  It never should've mattered as much as it did and I think that we all get too caught up in the labels as we are trying to gain intellectual perspective on what we have been through.

So why are these types of r/s so difficult?  I think it's the attachment, the "connection," and the "trauma bond" that we form with this other person.  (my x is a therapist btw... . bat hit crazy, I see BPD in her, but that is NOT my battle to fight!  I have gained that perspective from her of all people?)

It's a form of an addiction.  Trust me, it's hard enough to understand it ourselves and to even begin to try and explain it to other people, is next to impossible!

The hardest part for me has been the lack of closure, which is something that they will never give us.  They paint us into a corner with their actions and words, push our buttons, and when we act out,  they use our actions as a reason to "justify" their certain departure.

These r/s are immature.  They never seem to end because on some level, two kids are still playing the same game.  But there does come a point and time that we have to look at OURSELVES and OUR part.  Take ownership of OUR actions and take a deep look at why we keep playing the games with them?

Healthy / grounded people don't live their lives like this.  They wont tolerate the blatent disrespect.  Why do WE let ourselves?  This is what I have taken away from my r/s.

Good question.  it brings a new perspective into discussions.  People don't really understand how powerful the dynamics are of these r/s until you've experienced it!

[leftbehind]

I think the BPD breakups are harder because:

1. the feelings you experience at first are SOO intense.(a typically normal r/s builds up slowly)

2. you are promised "forever" and the whole world and you believe it.(again, the usual r/s goes slower with less grandeur)

3. you are idealized and so is the pwBPD - you become convinced that you can cure cancer and make world peace.(not so much with a usual r/s- I remember being more grounded and realistic in otr r/s'

4. the breakup, fallout, or whatever is sudden or unexplained.(versus building up conflict at a slower pace)

5. you take most, if not, all the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.(this one is tricky, but I still state it to be so - in my otr r/s'  there was at least some effort that my SO was willing to work at)

6. the pwBPD quickly turns against you, treats you like crap (yep, you guessed it! much more quickly than . . )

7. you are quickly replaced so fast that it'll make your head spin and your stomach turn - adding to the pain that you already feel. Rejection times rejection.

All of this, 100%, was my experience!

[detachwlove]

I think the BPD breakups are harder because:

1. the feelings you experience at first are SOO intense.(a typically normal r/s builds up slowly)

2. you are promised "forever" and the whole world and you believe it.(again, the usual r/s goes slower with less grandeur)

3. you are idealized and so is the pwBPD - you become convinced that you can cure cancer and make world peace.(not so much with a usual r/s- I remember being more grounded and realistic in otr r/s'

4. the breakup, fallout, or whatever is sudden or unexplained.(versus building up conflict at a slower pace)

5. you take most, if not, all the responsibility for the failure of the relationship.(this one is tricky, but I still state it to be so - in my otr r/s'  there was at least some effort that my SO was willing to work at)

6. the pwBPD quickly turns against you, treats you like crap (yep, you guessed it! much more quickly than . . )

7. you are quickly replaced so fast that it'll make your head spin and your stomach turn - adding to the pain that you already feel. Rejection times rejection.

Well put!  Especially #7. 

I figured out the hard way that normal breakups in no way relate to BPD breakups. 

I've read articles on handling breakups with non-BPD's and those suggestions just don't apply in the BPD world.  Especially the whole "try to remain friends, don't totally shut the person out" tip. 

I read one suggestion that said "don't just disappear on your ex.  It makes you look bad.  Drop her a msg from time to time telling her you're ok."  Bad idea. 

The other major difference with BPD breakups is that no one understands what you are going through.  Except for others who've experienced a breakup with a pwBPD before.  And maybe a therapist familiar with the disorder.   People unfamiliar with BPD will only try to help you based on their experience w their "normal" breakups. 

Lastly, with normal breakups both participants usually go through a grieving process.  With BPD only one person goes through that.  The pwBPD just moves on w/o missing a beat. 

[leftbehind]

The pwBPD just moves on w/o missing a beat.

This is what makes it so damn hard, and also what makes you question your sanity.  I've gotten two texts from my ex since he broke up with me out of the blue 2 and a half months ago.  Both of them are cheerier than the next.  Like he's not grieving at all, and like he never hurt me, avoided me, etc.  It makes me realize how disordered he is.

[ramble on]

In my opinion a big difference in breakups is that with the BPD none of the "normal" rules apply. Emotional response is vastly more intense with BPD than with a "normal" breakup. In a "normal" breakup there is very little projection, self-victimization, splitting, etc.

I am in the final stages of divorce with my udBPDw. It has been nearly two years now since I started the ball rolling by telling her we had to go in separate directions. One minute she is angry that I have been tardy in some of the necessary tasks, the next minute when I present  to her things that require her attention she goes off on a tangent that I am pressuring her too much. We are in the lawyer phase offer/counteroffer now. She has changed her mind several times already. Originally she wanted to do things the "kitchen table" way of negotiations. However she kept coming up with things that she said I had agreed to that I had not even mentioned. So I was forced to start documenting and have my lawyer draw up formal papers outlining what I did agree to so that there would be no confusion in what was said/not said.

As we move closer to closure all of a sudden she is super nice, doing housework that she has not done in months, complimenting me, showing interest in things I have done around the house, etc. I guess this is recycling in the classic sense. I am a ww 2 buff and even though she has shown no interest in this part of history all of a sudden she is reading a book on it and is peppering me with questions about certain aspects of the war. My friends and family are just shaking their heads when I tell them of the latest bizarre behaviour and actions. I have had several tell me that they just can't believe how this is unfolding and how different it was with them during breakups.

[cal644]

I think another thing that differs is the push/pull behavior - my case might be different since we were married 19 years - but during this divorce process one day it is (we were soulmates/I'm working on myself) - the next day it's I hate you I don't want a single memory from the last 19 years.  The next day it's I will always love you but it hurts to much to be in love with you, then the next day its you need to move on and just leave me alone.  Then it's sweet texts - I miss this, I was crying, I can't sleep - then the next day it's never text me again.  Then the next day is you never text me ?  Also I think its how fast things change from you being the love of there life and the person they respect the most - to all of a sudden you are a demon.  The projection, and blame, are something that had me scratching my head for the longest time and the warped thinking of how they twist something innocent into an attack from you.  And in a normal relationship you still may have feelings but with a BPD they turn you and everthing around you as black as night - things and people they used to love that were associated with you become evil now because they are associated with you.  Just my thoughts and like I said my story might be different becuase I was able to stay in the idolization, and clinger phase for so many years - but when they split you black all hell breaks loose.  The last thing I will mention from the previous post is my wife also wanted the kitchen table effect - but since that time things keep getting deeper and deeper, darker and darker.  When you try to move forward with the divorce they delay - when you don't respod within a day - it's why are you trying to hold things up?  Even when the last 2 1/2 months you were waiting for a responce from them? 

[Confusedandhurt]

cal644,

Thanks for your post.  I have experienced the same kind of "contact me", "don't contact me" scenarios from my exgf for months.  She would tell me in a email or text not to contact each other, and then out of nowhere I get a nice text from her asking if we can talk.  I fell for it a few times, but in the end I've learned that she only contacts me when she wants something.  Have you experience similar events?

Recovering from these kind of relationships is really hard.  It's been 10 months since I got a text from her telling me that she needed to move on, and I still miss her.  It's gotten better, but it still hurts.

[cal644]

Oh yes - you wouldn't beleive the I need this or that text.  One day she wanted the sowing machine book   Funny - in 19 years she has only used the sewing machine once.  Or she would ask for something as if it was needed that day- I would get it ready for her then she would be - I don't need that right now   two months latter I still have it.  I would get a text to see if she could get some of the household good - I would be sure come get them this weekend - then it would be I think it can wait until we get this settled   I even asked her the other day "why do you text me so much as its obvious you don't want me in your life" - her responce "then quit texting me so much" 

[Octoberfest]

Well after 4 whole days of NC I think I am going to try and find a therapist.  I am tired of being on the verge of tears randomly and several times a day and yet being unable to cry.  Thanks for the responses in this thread.  Helps me validate that I am not just being a whiner 

[Sharkey167]

This thread is sickening with its truth.

[connect]

I think that one of the big things that is different is that there is no "truth" to the break up with a BPD.

In a non r/s after a split you know that your ex may talk about you to their friends to shift the blame to you (natural human tendency sometimes!) Even if they do this you are aware that they KNOW the truth of what happened.

At the end of BPD r/s I think the BPD person forgets/twists the details of the split and so they DON'T know/remember what happened. Some of the "truth" to the break up is lost. You can feel alone with that truth. My b/f (ex I suppose as he just ended it) has so many contradictory accounts of how his last r/s's ended that I can see he doesn't see the truth of what happened even though he was there.

[detachwlove]

I think that one of the big things that is different is that there is no "truth" to the break up with a BPD.

In a non r/s after a split you know that your ex may talk about you to their friends to shift the blame to you (natural human tendency sometimes!) Even if they do this you are aware that they KNOW the truth of what happened.

At the end of BPD r/s I think the BPD person forgets/twists the details of the split and so they DON'T know/remember what happened. Some of the "truth" to the break up is lost. You can feel alone with that truth. My b/f (ex I suppose as he just ended it) has so many contradictory accounts of how his last r/s's ended that I can see he doesn't see the truth of what happened even though he was there.

That's the maddening part.  Since breaking up with pwBPD 6 weeks she started an ongoing "smear campaign" against me.  She turned one of our mutual friends against me and all her family & friends.  

BPD's don't see things the way normal people do.  Basically when their relationships end they put the blame solely on the other person.   My BPDex would talk about her former boyfriends.  And it was always "he forced me to cheat on him" and "he wouldn't communicate with me so I found someone else."

I think my BPDex has a hard time keeping track of her relationships because she's had so many.  She's jumped from guy to guy her entire life w/o a break in between.   In one of our last conversations, she told me "I broke up with you."  I think because she moved on with a new guy 3 days after I dumped her that in her mind "she broke up with me."   Breakups w a pw BPD are miserable because you begin to question your sanity.  Because your BPDex doesn't remember anything the way you do.  So "truth" becomes unreality.  

When describing my BPD ex and her hurtful/selfish actions a lot of times I can't believe the words coming out of my mouth.  I wish it was just a bad dream and I was making all of it up.  Unfortunately it all happened.  

The biggest response I get from others regarding my BPDex and her habitual jumping from guy to guy is:  "Who on earth does that?"  

[Octoberfest]

As echoed here, it is extremely frustrating not being able to relate to any of my peers about the breakup.  I can say to my friends "yeah i feel super empty and depressed... . " and they all say "yeah breakups are rough" but none of them get it or really give a sht I don't feel like.

[mcc503764]

With mine, she has hopped from person to person throughout her entire life.  They dont know what its like to be single, or alone.  there is always someone lined up in their world.

I went through 2+ years of recycles with mine, always with the same result.  she would find a way back into my life after a breakup or failed attempt with another person.  rope me in, and then when something else would come along, she would ditch me again.

These events dont allow  a person to heal, as the way a "normal" r/s would.  But a funny thing happened along the way... . I got fed up with it!  It became exhausting to me.  I dont like the person that she has become.  I regained my dignity and self respect and told her NO for the first time in my life! 

She mirrors everyone new she meets.  Come to think of it, I dont really know who she is?  I dont even think that she knows? 

[GreenMango]

For some they are harder and others its a little easier.  But no relationship if you have a bond with someone is easy to let go of.  These relationships just seem to come with more layers of emotional sifting through.

If you are actually dealing with the end of relationship and the persons has a mental illness, like BPD or any mental illness that is untreated, experiencing a crisis point or bottoming out a bit, its hard because your not walking away because you don't love or care about the person sometimes its just reached a level of unhealthy that makes it hard to function or to go on together.  It's hard to make a choice like this - I have taken to looking at like being in this relationship like being in a relationship with an active alcoholic/addict because of the chaos factor.

There isn't a lot of closure in situations like this.  Logic seems out the window where in other relationships with say two semi- healthy people you could come to a compromise or an understanding.  My experience, with mental illness, this isn't usually the case.

I do think people who have healthier boundaries and limits, and know what they need, good communicators, know what qualities or values and how to gauge them, and are okay with losing the wrong person, tend to not get overly invested in these relationships - the ones that do knowingly that do it well are able to maintain a level of stability and learn to adjust while not forgetting about all those things and don't forget about self care.

It's a lesson and a hard one at that.  These kind of lessons aren't ever easy.

[Bananas]

What so different and hard for me is I am left confused, wondering what was "real" and what was "fake" about the past 2.5 years.  In a normal breakup I never had to wonder and thus it was way easier for me to move on. 

[leftbehind]

I agree, Bananas.  When someone all of a sudden stops loving you, and stops seeing anything remotely good in you (after telling you how dear you are to them consistently before that) you have to wonder what was real, and what was Idealization.  Maybe none of it was real.  So sad to not know how to gauge the value you held for them.