What happens if the BPD gets dumped while still in Idealization?

[leftbehind]

Hey all, I'm just wondering what happens when someone else breaks up with a BPD person while the BPD is still in the Idealization stage?  Just curious because I have a sneaking suspicion that the girl my ex left me for will end up breaking up with him.  I of course loved the "I love you's" three, four, five times a day, the unexpected visits from him, and the talk that we were soulmates, etc .  But I'm suspecting that the next woman might be creeped out by it. 

Something tells me she will break up with him.  He emailed me this week, and I chose not to respond.  But I'm wondering what to expect, if anything, if he's the one that's heartbroken in the next relationship.  I only know him as the heartbreaker (after he devalues you), and I know that was his pattern in the last two relationships before me.

How do they react when they're hip deep in Idealization and someone breaks it off with them?

[mcc503764]

Just from my experience, they will get mean / vindictive.  My x told me that she became so mean and has such a hatred for men, that she went on "man benders."  She would rope them in, get what she wanted, and spit them out and hurt them because of all the hurt that she perceives that men have done to her!

nice thought eh?

[leftbehind]

I don't think my ex will get mean.  I just know that he's such a heartbreaker, comes on so strong and so quick with the "I love you's" and "We're soulmates", "you're the only woman on the planet for me" etc, and then when it changed it was overnight.  So I'm wondering what happens when someone breaks up with him while he still thinks she's the love of his life?  I wonder if this will lead him to seek help, or have a complete meltdown, or if he'll feel he made a mistake by breaking it off with me and try to recycle me?

I must admit my question is a little mean spirited.  He devastated me, and seemed so completely detached from it all.  Just decided one day that I was the wrong woman for him.  So I feel karma is coming for him.  One day someone may decide he's too over the top to be real, and break it off with him.

The thing that I think makes persons with BPD different from players is that the BPD believes it is love 100%, and then turns on a dime and thinks the opposite.  I don't think my ex was consciously trying to play me.  I think he thought I was the one, kept a few other possibilities around for backup in case I wasn't (because they can't be alone, right?) then one day decided that he had made a mistake and I wasn't the one.  Then he broke up in a hurry like his ass was on fire.

Does anyone have any knowledge/experience of a BPD who is still in the Idealization phase being broken up with by their partner?  I know it's a weird question, because most times the partner is also sucked into the Idealization "Honeymoon" phase.  I'm just thinking that my ex is with a young girl who may end up creeped out by this man who tells her he loves her after 3 weeks, calls several times a day to profess his love, and stops by her home unannounced. Sorry if I'm rambling... .

[confetti]

he will have a meltdown *at* her

his primary focus will be what she thinks while that light switch is on for him.

from NPD/BPD view theres no real desperate plea until that person is officially abandoning you and the imagination matches reality for them, or us narcs have no supply when others figure us out and stop caring


he's not going to be having these complicated thoughts you're attaching to it

i knew mine had the same problem that i did, and i flew out of the relationship during idealization. the problem was suicidal threats. he believed his life would be over if i skipped off because his happiness has no foundation.

[Clearmind]

I'm sure Borderlines have been left whilst in the idealization phase. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and not everyone ignores the red flags. Borderlines bust boundaries which is essentially what the idealization phase is - for you and them.

Healthy folks have healthy boundaries.

What happens to the Borderline? Moves on.

If they break up how will you feel?

[leftbehind]

Happy.  Like he might understand a smidgen of what I've gone through when he broke up with me out of the blue after convincing me we were true partners that were building a life together.

Vindicated.  That it wasn't me.  That there really isn't anything else I could have done or said to make the relationship work.

Sad for him.  That he has to live like this, repeating the same scenario with a few slightly different endings over and over. 

Sad for me.  Because even if he tries to recycle me, my common sense won't let me take him back, even though my heart would want to.

Either way, we still don't get to be in a healthy relationship with each other.

[stop2think]

I am not sure entirely if my exbf was more BPD or NPD yet - but i broke up with him 2-3 times when he was still in the idealization phase with me. He broke down, cried his eyes out, drank all day, skipped his work, called me several times to emotionally fish me - blackmailing me that 'his life has no meaning' and 'he will never marry anyone else if i left him (never married before)', threatened to 'commit suicide'... .

And i felt terrible - reconcilled with him each time. Final consequences - he dumped me 5 months later. Classic case, isn't it!

[flynavy]

I broke of/called off the wedding just 4 weeks before the alter after I found out the she was engaged to her 7 year BF while we were going through the idealization phase... . I have never experienced anything like what I went through in the following 16 hours at my house.  She turned into in retrospect a bratty child who didn't get her way... . she go extremely mean/violent.  She was verbally abusive, extremely physically abusive... . sucker punched me when I wasn't looking and then came at me with fists flying and feet kicking.  Called me every obscenity in the book... . I thought I heard it all.  Absolutely no remorse for her living the double life (not sure if I was being cheated on or if the other guy was... . guess he was being cheated on since he was with her before me).

My ex was BPD/NPD so the Narcissistic side of her disorder could not stand being rejected. 

[flynavy]

... . I forgot... . agree with Clearmind... . she was back with other guy with in 1 month after our wedding cancellation.  Really broken up huh!

[mcc503764]

but that's what your forgetting here... . they cannont be alone, so of course they will cling to their available options.

look at their patterns, that's all they know how to do!  Try not to take it personally, I know it's easier said than done, but they have never had to go through anything alone, as a single person. 

[causticdork]

When I broke up with my exgf we had been having a rough time (fighting, dumb arguments, jealousy, etc) but she was still very much in love with me.  I think she had me painted black from November through February, and by the time I gave up and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore she was cycling me back to white.  I suggested breaking up at the beginning of March and she promised to change. Admitted to all the lies I called her out on and agreed on a very strict set of boundaries I laid out if the relationship was going to continue.  Three weeks later she'd annihilated those boundaries several times and I said it was over for good.  That was two months ago she's still constantly trying to get me to take her back. 

The day I broke up with her she flipped out, disappeared, then texted me that she was killing herself and when they found her car she wanted me to make sure her mom got it and a bunch of stuff like that.  Over the next week I got several "Goodbye" texts where she assured me she'd be ending her life.  I've had her tell me I'd never hear from or see her again at least a dozen times in non-suicide-threat ways.  I've also had her tell me I'm her best friend and she wants us to stay close because she can't stand the thought of not being there for each other, only to immediately follow up by telling me she can't be JUST my friend and if that's all I want then we just won't be around each other anymore.

She started seeing some guy from her work recently (she's always been bisexual, so the fact that it's a guy isn't anything strange) and she says that she told him she's still in love with me and that if I offered to try again she'd come right back to me.  Who knows if that's true or not (the compulsive lies are why we broke up in the first place) but I do know that our break-up devastated her.  I can only speak from my own experience, but I think that when they get left while you're being idealized they take it hard.  I've never had an ex try so hard to get me back before. 

[leftbehind]

I guess I need to really get to the point where I realize it doesn't matter anymore, because we're not together.  What he does in his next disaster of a relationship is his business.  I know I need to feel this way - but I'm not there yet. 

Today what I miss most is the friendship we had, but I know I don't want to go down that route with him.  He asked if we could stay friends and I said no.  I knew it would be torture while he slept with other women.  I don't regret that decision, but I still miss my lover/friend/boyfriend.  Got to accept this new reality of moving forward in my life without him being a part of it.

[caughtnreleased]

I'm sure Borderlines have been left whilst in the idealization phase. Not everyone attaches to a Borderline and not everyone ignores the red flags. Borderlines bust boundaries which is essentially what the idealization phase is - for you and them.

Healthy folks have healthy boundaries.

That puts an interesting perspective on the idealization phase.  It does bust boundaries, but at that point we don't mind it.