Afraid

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Yes, I called.  I have an appt with a counselor on Tuesday.  I was hoping for this week but the holiday interfered.  What blows me away is how truly scary it can get and then within a day of no contact, the bizarre withdrawal I feel truly clarifies how screwed up I am also.  How can I miss him?  I know it is not HE who I am missing.  But really truly grasping that completely is difficult. 

Over the last couple years, one of my best friends, the one who originally said "hey this guy is a narcissist" (she didn't know about BPD, but having never met the guy, she knew that he was an abuser), she would tell me how her sister's boyfriend was exactly the same and she was beyond frustrated with both of us for accepting such horrible treatment by these men.  The sister dated her bf for 3 years but they broke up a couple years ago.  That same guy was just arrested for attempted murder last week because his current GF broke up with him.  She woke up to see him standing over her and he hit her over the head with a baseball bat... .   her adult daughter was there with a BF and they called the police.  The police found duct tape and wire on the guy when they got there... .   That guy was never physically abusive to my friend's sister.  That is a scary wake up call... .

The texts that he sent me yesterday... . scare the crap out of me.  I was going to post one here but I'm in total paranoid mode these days.  I was shaking like a leaf at the gym where I was when they came in and it was all I could do not to cry on the spot.  I didn't respond.  Uh yeah, I'm going to that counselor.

(My daughter is 5 btw -she can't know about this).

So tired... .

[Take2]

Yes, I called.  I have an appt with a counselor on Tuesday.  I was hoping for this week but the holiday interfered.  What blows me away is how truly scary it can get and then within a day of no contact, the bizarre withdrawal I feel truly clarifies how screwed up I am also.  How can I miss him?  I know it is not HE who I am missing.  But really truly grasping that completely is difficult. 

Over the last couple years, one of my best friends, the one who originally said "hey this guy is a narcissist" (she didn't know about BPD, but having never met the guy, she knew that he was an abuser), she would tell me how her sister's boyfriend was exactly the same and she was beyond frustrated with both of us for accepting such horrible treatment by these men.  The sister dated her bf for 3 years but they broke up a couple years ago.  That same guy was just arrested for attempted murder last week because his current GF broke up with him.  She woke up to see him standing over her and he hit her over the head with a baseball bat... .   her adult daughter was there with a BF and they called the police.  The police found duct tape and wire on the guy when they got there... .   That guy was never physically abusive to my friend's sister.  That is a scary wake up call... .

The texts that he sent me yesterday... . scare the crap out of me.  I was going to post one here but I'm in total paranoid mode these days.  I was shaking like a leaf at the gym where I was when they came in and it was all I could do not to cry on the spot.  I didn't respond.  Uh yeah, I'm going to that counselor.

(My daughter is 5 btw -she can't know about this).

So tired... .

[GreenMango]

Show the dv people.  Show the cops too. 

BPD is an explanation - its not an excuse.  He's still responsible for the consequences of his behavior - sometimes letting those happens as they normally would is the only choice.

Keep looking out for you and your daughter. 

[letmeout]

GreenMango is right. There is NO excuse for abuse, no matter what mental disorder a person has. I'm sorry, I didn't realize your daughter is only 5.

How did your counseling appointment go? I hope you got a more experienced one. The young counselors are not 'mother-hen' as the older ones are.

My favorite counselor was an older lady who had been been there, done that. Her abuser poured hot grease over her leaving bad scars (all because she was talking to her mom on the phone instead of paying attention to him). She thought he would never do such a thing since his abuse had always been emotional.

Follow your intuition, if you feel scared there is a darn good reason for it.

Please keep us posted, you are stronger than you think! 

Big hugs!

[Take2]

Please do not apologize to me.  The support you guys have given me has been HUGE.

(You had no way to know my daughter is just a little girl!)

I went to the dv counselor last week.  I met with a woman who was very experienced although probably still a little younger than me (I'm no spring chicken despite having a young kiddo.)  She said flat out that this would get physical - if I ever lived with him she has no doubt.  She was kind, understand, but also matter of fact (something I need).  She didn't say anything or give me any info that I didn't already know or already read about - but it helped to hear her say that she has no doubt that it will get physical some day with the way things have been going based on her experience. 

I'm not sure if there is a need to go back.  I have my next 3 therapy appts set up with my regular therapist to work on ME. 

He has gone up and down on his own rollercoaster.  I have been doing a much better job of not responding and not playing into it (not completely but better). 

He told me a week ago that he was moving away to get a new job.  He found another trigger when I thought there weren't anymore... .    it would be THE best thing for me if he does... .    after I cried and he provoked intended reaction, I realized he might have been tricking me... .

Hugs to you guys - thank you so so much for your support... .    

[letmeout]

I'm sure glad that you went! It always helps when someone gives you the low-down straight up. Shocking sometimes, but you do need to hear it. It took many times for me to hear it, and when I witnessed how my abuser progressed just the way the dv said he would, (abusers are like clones, they all follow the same pattern) that was a real eye opener!

Yes you were manipulated, abusive people are really good at doing that. Remember it is his insane world and you are the only one responsible for getting out of his insane world.  Glad you made those appointments with your regular therapist!