School issues for the kids

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am interested in anybody who has advice on dealing with school issues with kids and the aspects of "control" by a BPD partner. I have been separated for 6 years from my BPD wife, who controls and manipulates access and information on school issues. We have four girls from 15 to 8 years of age. I have the kids on weekends and she has them during the week. In our initial temporary separation agreement, clause 1 was that we would jointly share school decisions and school work and would put the interests of the kids first. In the event of a conflict we would go to a neutral third party. The agreement was immediately broken, and I was cut off from all information. No report cards, school information, updates of any sort. I would ask for report cards and she was always "too busy" or could not find them. On two occasions, after the kids got involved, I did see report cards, but what I have had to do is go to the school and get them after the fact. Three years into the separation, she changed the school the kids were going to unilaterally, without any notice or consultation. I found out from a mutual friend! What I later found out was that she had managed to get a job there as a teacher and the kids go with her to school. Then the distortions started at school, with all kinds of stories where I was made out to be a monster. Many people realized that there was something wrong with the allegations, because the kids did not confirm it and were positive on their time with me, but my wife is a friendly, cheery, pretty, witty, capable high functioning BPD so there is always real doubt sowed in their minds. You know the story.

This year it has deteriorated further. My wife teaches at the school and drives there, so travel is not an issue, but she has been telling the kids to stay home for days and in one case a week at a time without any real reason other than they look "sick". The three younger ones are now way behind in their work and the youngest one is failing. I figured that out last Fall and started doing intensive home work on the weekends, and they started to catch up, but my wife then intervened and the kids did not bring their homework to me on weekends. Seeing what was happening, a mutual friend of the family, who is a high school math teacher, started to show up at the house every week to tutor the kids. He lasted until January, and left. He was shocked at how my wife was acting in front of the kids, confronted her about it, and can no longer go back. Getting report cards and having teacher interviews is now more difficult. The teachers at the school are not keen to talk to me because they have been "warned" by my wife, and formally friendly teachers avoid me.  I do not know what she has said but it is strong enough to keep them away. No real surprise here for those of you who deal with distortions as part of the illness.

I have finally, after many years, found the BPD websites and books and can see clearly that this is a mental illness with very long and hard characteristics to deal with. The help this has provided has been fantastic, and has enabled me to start understanding the strangeness of what has been going on. I am now starting to set boundaries and goals for improvement on my side, but I am wondering what to do about helping the kids. The focus here is not on me, or being shut out of decisions and lied about etc. I am getting pretty used to that. All I am looking for here is a realistic strategy to help the kids. That is it. My wife is deteriorating quickly, and the pressure on the kids is intense. Any moves I have made to help are quickly countered; it is almost like she wants them to fail. Does anybody have advice or ideas on what I can do to help the kids through this terrible situation? I need tangible solutions and ideas that will work in this messed up BPD situation. One other point; I do not currently have the resources at present in terms of money or personal reserves of unlimited, self effacing patience to deal with a head on fight, such as a court battle. This situation has drained me, as many or you can attest to, so I need ideas that are "lite" in terms or their demands on time, turbulence, backwash, and intensive interaction. All ideas are welcome.

[sailing4help]

I am interested in anybody who has advice on dealing with school issues with kids and the aspects of "control" by a BPD partner. I have been separated for 6 years from my BPD wife, who controls and manipulates access and information on school issues. We have four girls from 15 to 8 years of age. I have the kids on weekends and she has them during the week. In our initial temporary separation agreement, clause 1 was that we would jointly share school decisions and school work and would put the interests of the kids first. In the event of a conflict we would go to a neutral third party. The agreement was immediately broken, and I was cut off from all information. No report cards, school information, updates of any sort. I would ask for report cards and she was always "too busy" or could not find them. On two occasions, after the kids got involved, I did see report cards, but what I have had to do is go to the school and get them after the fact. Three years into the separation, she changed the school the kids were going to unilaterally, without any notice or consultation. I found out from a mutual friend! What I later found out was that she had managed to get a job there as a teacher and the kids go with her to school. Then the distortions started at school, with all kinds of stories where I was made out to be a monster. Many people realized that there was something wrong with the allegations, because the kids did not confirm it and were positive on their time with me, but my wife is a friendly, cheery, pretty, witty, capable high functioning BPD so there is always real doubt sowed in their minds. You know the story.

This year it has deteriorated further. My wife teaches at the school and drives there, so travel is not an issue, but she has been telling the kids to stay home for days and in one case a week at a time without any real reason other than they look "sick". The three younger ones are now way behind in their work and the youngest one is failing. I figured that out last Fall and started doing intensive home work on the weekends, and they started to catch up, but my wife then intervened and the kids did not bring their homework to me on weekends. Seeing what was happening, a mutual friend of the family, who is a high school math teacher, started to show up at the house every week to tutor the kids. He lasted until January, and left. He was shocked at how my wife was acting in front of the kids, confronted her about it, and can no longer go back. Getting report cards and having teacher interviews is now more difficult. The teachers at the school are not keen to talk to me because they have been "warned" by my wife, and formally friendly teachers avoid me.  I do not know what she has said but it is strong enough to keep them away. No real surprise here for those of you who deal with distortions as part of the illness.

I have finally, after many years, found the BPD websites and books and can see clearly that this is a mental illness with very long and hard characteristics to deal with. The help this has provided has been fantastic, and has enabled me to start understanding the strangeness of what has been going on. I am now starting to set boundaries and goals for improvement on my side, but I am wondering what to do about helping the kids. The focus here is not on me, or being shut out of decisions and lied about etc. I am getting pretty used to that. All I am looking for here is a realistic strategy to help the kids. That is it. My wife is deteriorating quickly, and the pressure on the kids is intense. Any moves I have made to help are quickly countered; it is almost like she wants them to fail. Does anybody have advice or ideas on what I can do to help the kids through this terrible situation? I need tangible solutions and ideas that will work in this messed up BPD situation. One other point; I do not currently have the resources at present in terms of money or personal reserves of unlimited, self effacing patience to deal with a head on fight, such as a court battle. This situation has drained me, as many or you can attest to, so I need ideas that are "lite" in terms or their demands on time, turbulence, backwash, and intensive interaction. All ideas are welcome.

[Thunderstruck]

My SO isn't as far out as you, but he has the same conflict as with his D8's uBPDbm. He specifically asked her for the final grades this weekend and she wrote back "We can talk grades when you give me money". 

Going through the school to get report cards is probably the only way you'll see them. I've seen this tip before: www.deltabravo.net/cms/plugins/content/content.php?content.98

For the other items, document document document and take to court for violation of the court order. That's probably all that you'll be able to do. 

[sailing4help]

Thanks for the link. I was not aware that there are laws regarding this and that schools have to provide information by law so this is very helpful. I still have the other issue of dealing with a situation where I think she wants the kids to fail. That I do not understand at all and I am blind as to why, but that is what her actions appear to show. I would like to stop this but my fear is if I take aggressive action going to the school to discuss the issue, then other problems will accelerate in "retaliation" and it will hasten a court scenario, which I do not have money or emotional reserves for at present. I also recognize that the school Principal is my wife's boss, so it is tricky. I have to be very careful and cautious and still do not have a plan of action that makes sense.

[david]

I am a school teacher and my xBPDw was restricting me from school things with our two boys. She also had spread the worth through the school that I was an abuser, I am not allowed to pick the children up without her permission, etc... . My first step was to have a copy of our court order that specifically spelled out that we have shared legal custody. I was there to pick the kids up since it was my custodial time.  They hesitated and I told them to fax the order to their legal dept and that would straighten things out. Within 10 minutes the kids were with me and I left. Ex found out and, I believe, helped me by showing her true colors to the school. Over a period of a school year I was present for many of the kids school activities. Ex insisted our youngest had a learning disability and wanted the school to test him. I told them I didn't think he had any issues and that ex had a mental health issue that was clouding her judgement. That was a private conversation with the principal. I did it on purpose to plant a seed. It was also the truth. I let ex fertilize the seed with her interactions with various school personnel. He was tested with no conclusive results but ex insisted he be given an IEP. The school went along. He went to first grade and his teacher saw no reason for an IEP but was afraid to advocate on his behalf. He went to second grade and his teacher saw no reason for an IEP. Teacher and I had a very positive meeting and a plan was formed. This time the teacher tested him in her classroom. She then went to the principal and the guidance dept and showed the results. By now the school was on board and had a private meeting with me. I said the easiest and best thing to do was to retest him. Using the same tester and tests (the tests are all age appropriate). He tested conclusively with no learning disabilty. In fact he tested in the top 1% of the nation in math,chemistry, and logic. He scored higher in math word problems than arithmetic and his IEP was a reading disabilty. BY then everyone at the school "got it". We had a meeting with mom and the school stood firm that he should be placed in the accelerated program for third grade. Ex was not happy. I signed the papers and left. He is ending third grade now and has straight A's. I sign and copy every homework. Ex has primary custody because the judge believed mom's were better at raising small children than dad's are ? I now have evidence that I do 90% of all homeworks with him and I can also show the same with our older son. I believe the courts will not be able to disregard the evidence this time since it is overwhelming.

Stay focused on the kids needs and let the school know you are an involved parent. Let them have the court order. They are not likely to break the law since they know the consequences and if they do heads will roll. Let the principal deal with your wife (teacher). That is their job. Document, document, document.

Also realize, if you permit this to go on the courts will view this as you are in agreement. If you are using the time to document to build a case the courts will understand as long as you stay focused on the kids needs. I only communicate with ex through email so I have proof of what each person said.

[david]

I remember reading on this site, "give someone with BPD enough rope and they will use it."

My ex works in a hospital and I have had several people that work there see me and tell me what ex says about me at work. It is not very nice. The most I say is , "there is a reason why we are no longer married."

[sailing4help]

Thank you for the suggestions. It is nice to talk with people who have been through this before. Like you I was the primary caregiver but that changed after the separation and the kids are suffering from lack of competent care. They notice how other families behave and interact and it upsets them. I went to the school play last week where every class has a presentation. My wife was at the back, and I noticed she had limited interaction with other staff and other parents and it was a strained situation for her. She seemed nervous, which was unusual. It was apparent that her BPD is showing through and the facade is starting to crack. The problem is that with the distortions, I am not in a much better public relations position at the school and it is simply a he said/she said discussion which no one wants to get into. After the play my kids came up to me and hugged me very openly and obviously which seemed to generate a lot of interest in the room. I am assuming (but I do not know) that the abuser label may have been added to my background at some point, but if it was the kids certainly destroyed the case with all the hugging that they initiated.

As a strategy, I have found that if I do not react and get upset and into conflict when my wife provokes, the BPD actions continue to expand, get exaggerated and then it starts to become obvious to other people that she is the aggressor and is being unreasonable.  But that still doesn't solve the issue with the kids. Homework is being ignored, kids are being kept home and when report cards identify this, they are with held. Short of going to court and fighting through a long process (which I do not have the energy to do right now), I am stuck in this daily grind where she makes decisions that do not favour the children. I am thinking of a strategy of seeing them individually in mid week then working with them off site to get them established in a work pattern, but she is very smart and will probably see through this right away. It is one of those nearly hopeless situations that are so prevalent with this illness.

[david]

When my xBPDw ran away (5 plus years ago) I was in no shape to help our kids because I needed to get my bearings straight and centered. I found a therapist (after three tries) that was a good match for me. Once I was centered I was able to help the kids. I work around ex in many ways. Also, since the school "got it" they have been a great asset in helping me help the kids. The downside was when our oldest went to middle school. I figured (wrong) since it was only two years he could do it on his own. I should have let the school know right away what was going on. It took most of the first year until I realized I needed help. I went to the middle school over an issue and requested (in a very nice tone but firmly) that they contact the principal from elementary. I left and within 30 minutes I received a phone call and was told everything was taken care of. Read "The Art of War" and form your strategy.

It sounds like the school is seeing what is going on and keeping their distance from her. The more you interact with the kids at school the better. Then talk to the principal for direction on how to handle things in the future, have suggestions yourself if possible, talk to the guidance counselors. No one will probably come out and say anything but letting them know who is on the kids side can be a big help.

I now have calls from the school on something and they ask me what they should do to address it with mom. This has happened several times in the last few years. This way I am not part of the situation so ex doesn't have to fight it.

If the school ( principal, counselor, ? ) talks to ex about their concerns for the children then it isn't coming from you and sometimes that method works best. I have even suggested they give ex credit for whatever when I think that will acomplish the goal.

[david]

I carry a video recorder and an audio recorder with me whenever there is a chance ex will be present somewhere. I have already been accused of abuse several times and arrested once. It will not happen again.

[Free One]

I know your situation is different because she works at the school, so please don't take offense to may statement below. I understand how her presence can complicate your involvement, but then again, maybe being at the school more would give the staff the opportunity to get to know you and realize not everything your ex says is true.

A general statement I want to put out to all parents (regardless of BPD) is: Be involved at the school. Don't rely on the other parent for your information about schooling. Volunteer, get the teacher's email and check in often. Attend after school functions and parent teacher conferences. Arrange to come have lunch with your child. Be there often enough to get to know the staff. Develop relationships with these people who spend so much of their time with your children. Most schools now have websites with update info about what is being studied. As a parent, the only way (again regardless of your situation) to be involved in your child's education is to make an effort and take the time to be involved.

Off my soapbox now. 

[Free One]

I carry a video recorder and an audio recorder with me whenever there is a chance ex will be present somewhere. I have already been accused of abuse several times and arrested once. It will not happen again.

I always have my audio recorder too. Make sure to check laws in your area for consent laws.

[marbleloser]

I'm going through this exact thing now.I record whenever I'm at the school.There were no problems until I filed for D,then suddenly,I'm not allowed to get the kids at school.They're her posessions.

If you're just seperated(and for 6 years,why?) then you have joint legal and physical custody.With joint legal,the school has a legal obligation to you,as a parent.

If I were you,I'd be documenting everything,getting the kids as much as possible instead of the EOW crap,and file for divorce.She's shown how she's going to be and that she wants you out of the picture and doesn't want to cooperate.

Also,go have lunch with the kids at school.You'll get to know the teachers and staff that way and the kids will enjoy having you there.

[david]

Letting the school see that you are involved in your kids life helps a lot. I was trying to help our youngest when mom wanted him diagnosed with a learning disabilty ( I believe this was done so she could say it was him and not her) I was at the school probably more then the school wished me there. I know my rights as a parent and made sure they knew that. I was not disrespectful but I kept them on their toes. Eventually the school figured out who was helping him and who was not. That took time , patience , and persistence on my part.

Today, I actually have his teachers private phone number in my cell phone. His teacher gave it to me early this year when he figured everything out. He was informed by former teachers, the principal, and others at the school about ex and me. He met ex three times and realized everyone was right.  He contacted me through an email and set up a meeting. We talked for a time and everything fell into place. He met me before that but kept his professional distance.

[sailing4help]

I carry a video recorder and an audio recorder with me whenever there is a chance ex will be present somewhere. I have already been accused of abuse several times and arrested once. It will not happen again.

I have been through all of the above and more so nothing surprises me at all with this illness. I carry a smart phone with a GPS, camera and video recorder built in. The cell phone is handy because just having it enables you to be tracked as to where you go by the cell company as you move from tower to tower. That provides comfort because it is the allegations that can't be dis-proved when we are not anywhere close to each other that is dangerous. The recording aspects are only useful if there is a court battle, however it is probably not admissable so I just don't use it. The issue at the school is that she has accused me of terrible things there because it is obvious from the reaction from people in the school. That is also in keeping with her accusations elsewhere, so that is what I have to deal with. People will believe almost anything if it is said with enough energy and "credibility" and I have found that saying nothing and waiting is a strategy that works. She eventually exaggerates enough that she loses credibility. In counseling and at the local psychiatric hospital years ago, the doctors all saw through her facade quickly, so that confirms this strategy. My real issue is to help the kids as best I can.

I realized before in my mind that I should be involved in the school, but in my heart I did not want to be involved because I reasoned it was "her territory" and frankly I was too (tired/exhausted/scared of more conflict) to get involved because I know it will trigger more extreme BPD behaviour. My thinking now is I will do whatever is best for the kids, and that this will involve more school interaction, and when I do so I will avoid conflict wherever possible, but I am not going to compromise everywhere which has been the case. The kids deserve better than that.

[sailing4help]

I know your situation is different because she works at the school, so please don't take offense to may statement below. I understand how her presence can complicate your involvement, but then again, maybe being at the school more would give the staff the opportunity to get to know you and realize not everything your ex says is true.

A general statement I want to put out to all parents (regardless of BPD) is: Be involved at the school. Don't rely on the other parent for your information about schooling. Volunteer, get the teacher's email and check in often. Attend after school functions and parent teacher conferences. Arrange to come have lunch with your child. Be there often enough to get to know the staff. Develop relationships with these people who spend so much of their time with your children. Most schools now have websites with update info about what is being studied. As a parent, the only way (again regardless of your situation) to be involved in your child's education is to make an effort and take the time to be involved.

Off my soapbox now. 

This is really good advice. I think the kids need to see that as well. It will help them.

[marbleloser]

"My thinking now is I will do whatever is best for the kids, and that this will involve more school interaction, and when I do so I will avoid conflict wherever possible, but I am not going to compromise everywhere which has been the case. The kids deserve better than that."

That's the right attitude to have.I still have to ask though,why have you been seperated 6 years?Did you think she was going to see the light and come back? The problem I see at the moment is,she has established status quo of being primary caregiver for 6 years.You're going to need some serious changes to fight that.

First,you're going to need to start spending alot more time with the kids before you even think about filing for divorce.If not,and the kids aren't in any immediate danger or neglect,her L will have a field day asking why you were ok with things for 6 years and only now are interested in more time with the kids.

It might take months of establishing more time with them in order to show that you're capable and willing to take care of the kids.