Desperate times -were you a bit like pwBPD?

[stop2think]

As i was retrospecting, I see a few things that I fid that makes me question if the BPD's traits are 'contagious' to nons or is something with me.

In the last 3 months when he seemed to be withdrawn from the r/s - he either picked on things I did that distressed him and went on for days yelling at me or give me the silent treatment.

He would say let's work iut on the issues but never maturely discussed on the solution. Never had a constructive talk that would solve the problems. I tried for months, gave him space when needed. I never thought he would break up for one second. But he dint seem to come back to what he was - caring, sensitive and loving guy he was just 2 months before that phase. This is where my behavior flipped like i was a desperate lover and behave how a BPD would if they feared abandonment. Mind you i never imagined he would leave me, but was feeling isolated due to his retraction.

Just curious but did you do or behave in a way at low/desperate times during the r/s with the BPD, that a healthy person would not. Are we a bit disordered too?

Any similar experiences or explaination would really help. Thank you!

[shieldedheart]

This is exactly what happened to me when I separated from my BPDw.  I found myself in a constant panic, racing thoughts, irritable and withdrawn.

I started thinking about people as people who could help me and people who couldn't.  Kind of a split thinking of my own.

I was in pure survival mode and acted like her for almost 2 weeks!  My T told me that I was acting like I had BPD but it was a common behavior of a NON separating from a BPD.

I hope that is what you are talking about. 

[shieldedheart]

... . and if I might add, I attributed it to the void they leave behind when they are not engaged in our lives.  We get used to their 'drama' or solving THEIR problems.  When faced with dealing with our own issues that have been put off for years, it can become immediately overwhelming and cause behaviors that are not part of our normal reactions.

[bewildered2]

yes, this is normal.

as you get more and more drawn into the dysfunctional relationship, you will try harder and harder to get your partner to behave as he/she did in the beginning when they were putting you on a pedestal and making you feel good. why wouldn't you? it felt good, and you were in love with your soulmate, or so you thought... . and as the relationship went on, your BPD partner worked you away from reality and into their world instead... . where distorted logic and nonsensical behavior was the norm... . and because you wanted them to be happy you bought their logic and excuses for their weird behavior... . and eventually... . you started behaving similarly! welcome to the land we call oz... .

as you pull further away, and as more time away from the craziness of a relationship with a borderline goes by, more and more things and events that occurred will pop into your head... . they'll suddenly make sense as you see the light... . things that seemed off at the time... . but you were to busy to think about it at the time... . and suddenly the excuses and strange things that your partner said and did will start to make sense... . but it won't be the way your BPD partner explained it at the time... .  

you got drawn into the crazy world of a borderline, and eventually, you will start to act like they do... . and you'll probably be criticized for it by your BPD partner too!

insane, but that's the way it is!

don't worry though. you will get over it and get back to normal. your BPD partner won't.

b2

[mcc503764]

I would say that yes this is normal.  I found myself doing the same exact thing and acting the same way.  What I think it is, is simply that we tend to acquire certain characteristics of our partners... . especially in the BPD r/s, where the "connection" and "bond" are so intence.  We tend to mirror each other, so to speak.

I found myself acting out in desperation.

So since our seperation (s), 6+ recycles later, I can objectively look at myself now and see where I am at in my life.  I definately have made leaps of progress in myself, exercise, work, financial, kids, friendships, etc... .   every aspect of my life drastically improved once I got away from my x.

It's perfectly normal to question our own "sanity" while with certain people, and I guess for me, the most practical / accurate guage of ourselves is to look at where we are at now as opposed to then?  That will hopefully answer your questions / doubts as it has worked for me.

Not to mention, my x recently told me "you look great, everything in your life seems so balanced.  it seems the farther I get from you the better you do!  How do you think that makes me feel?"  I think it's safe to conclude that pretty much summed up the r/s for me.  I couldnt be the person that I am when I was with her, because my life was about her!  That makes me feel pretty good!

[caughtnreleased]

This is exactly what happened to me when I separated from my BPDw.  I found myself in a constant panic, racing thoughts, irritable and withdrawn.

I started thinking about people as people who could help me and people who couldn't.  Kind of a split thinking of my own.

I was in pure survival mode and acted like her for almost 2 weeks!  My T told me that I was acting like I had BPD but it was a common behavior of a NON separating from a BPD.

I hope that is what you are talking about. 

Yep. It totally happened to me. I have never dialed the same person three times in a row in my life, then text them.  Well, I did it with him.  He blocked me, or turned his phone off. He was already with someone else at that point. I knew it. He didn't officially tell me, but found other ways to let me know. It was awful. really awful. ugh.

[mcc503764]

I've deleted my fb account since then as well.  Just recently, my x informed me how she would still stalk me on fb... . I know that is nothing new, but I don't understand why people feel the need to do that?

My God, that was such an unhealthy attachment.  Just when I start to feel that I miss her at times, I realize that it's not her that I miss, rather the attachment I guess?

When I look at her now, she looks sick.  "7 lbs from being clinically anorexic?" so she says... . Her of all people (therapist, eating disorder hospitalizations, suicide attempt, substance abuse, patterns of unstable r/s, self-image issues, abandonment issues, history of sexual abuse... . ) I think that covers all the bases on that one.  I not only view her as sick, but a lost soul.  This is unfortunate, but bottom line, she would've ultimately taken me down with her!

[babyducks]

When I play tennis with a really good tennis player I play like a pro.

When I play tennis with a really bad tennis player suddenly I stink.

The level of the game reflects the quality of the partnership. 

[Octoberfest]

yes, this is normal.

as you get more and more drawn into the dysfunctional relationship, you will try harder and harder to get your partner to behave as he/she did in the beginning when they were putting you on a pedestal and making you feel good. why wouldn't you? it felt good, and you were in love with your soulmate, or so you thought... . and as the relationship went on, your BPD partner worked you away from reality and into their world instead... . where distorted logic and nonsensical behavior was the norm... . and because you wanted them to be happy you bought their logic and excuses for their weird behavior... . and eventually... . you started behaving similarly! welcome to the land we call oz... .

as you pull further away, and as more time away from the craziness of a relationship with a borderline goes by, more and more things and events that occurred will pop into your head... . they'll suddenly make sense as you see the light... . things that seemed off at the time... . but you were to busy to think about it at the time... . and suddenly the excuses and strange things that your partner said and did will start to make sense... . but it won't be the way your BPD partner explained it at the time... .  

you got drawn into the crazy world of a borderline, and eventually, you will start to act like they do... . and you'll probably be criticized for it by your BPD partner too!

insane, but that's the way it is!

don't worry though. you will get over it and get back to normal. your BPD partner won't.

b2

Such good information.

When my dBPDex and I FIRST started dating... . I was an ass. We met absolutely randomly the first night everyone was back in town for college, and for the first few weeks I talked to both her and a different girl, an 18 yr old while my dBPDex was 21.  I had never been much of a "player" and the idea of talking to two girls at once and having two interested in me at the same time made my ego huge.

The first 2.5 months were me "breaking up" with her every 5-6 days and then reconciling 1-2 later.  This literally went on 15+ times, and most of the time it was over nothing.  Nothing at all.  I was a commitment phobe, having never dated anyone ever before and been a loner for all of my 19.5 years up to that point.  And at the time, I had ZERO idea how bad I was hurting her by being there one day and gone the next.  She told me she had something called BPD in casual conversation and I remember distinctly 1) assuming that stood for Bipolar Disorder and 2) deciding that if it really was something to be worried about, I would see it in her and break things off if it became a problem. Lets just all pause for a second to laugh... . HAHAHAHAHAHA

Right at that 2.5 month mark, she left me for another guy.  And it was that which jarred me out of the "game" I had been playing and made me decide I loved her.  Whenever I had left her before she had been right there waiting for me when I came back, and the idea that she wasn't shook me hard.  I hadn't ever told her I loved her up till that point, because I didnt mean it until that moment.  And it was after we reconciled, 3 weeks after that happened, that she began cheating on me with various different people for the next 6 months.

Do I have to take SOME responsibility? Yeah.  For someone with abandonment issues, I might as well have been waterboarding her by leaving all the time and reappearing like I did.  :)o I think that if I had done everything absolutely perfectly from the get go we would still be happily together and have had none of our issues? No not at all.  I may have quickened the inevitable, but it is just that inevitable.

So I don't know that my behavior in that instance was me "mirroring" her, because really it was an issue that I had which just coincided with the hot/cold behavior associated with BPD.

However,

As the relationship continued and more and more cheating occurred, it was ME who became controlling.  When we first started out, she would text her ex (who she ended up also cheating on me with) ALL the time.  They had been friends for 8 years before they dated, so I figured it was normal.  I didn't keep tabs on her, I 100% implicitly trusted her around my friends (1 of whom she slept with and another, my best friend, she kissed, both incidents which occurred during that initial 2.5 months during one of the 1-2 day "breaks"... . By her logic I have no reason to be upset).  After I first learned of her cheating on me (with the guy she left me for at the 2.5 month mark... . When we reconciled, she never cut things off with him.  And being that he was in a different town and only saw him 2 times that month (which I know because I slept in her bed with her 5-6/7 nights of the week that month) she got away with it) and of the events with my "friends" (whom I summarily told to bend themselves), she spent about a month more with the guy after I told her we  were done before we reconciled.  And after that, I turned like a light switch from not caring what she did or who she talked to to being on her like a hawk.  It made me uneasy if she went out to the bars with her friends (usually guys who wanted her), and got really pissed off at her CONSTANTLY texting ALL DAY 3+ guys.  It was constant strife between us because I wanted to feel safe and secure in the relationship, and the more I pushed the more she pushed back.  Add in that I loved her so much I bought whatever BS excuse she gave me for stuff (which let her get away with OBVIOUS cheating, I was an ABSOLUTE IDIOT for letting her pull some of the stuff she did), and we had all the ingredients for a toxic relationship.

She never was controlling... . false accusations fueled by her own behavior? Check.  But never controlling.  That was entirely me, and both her and her therapist (whom I went to two sessions with my dBPDex with) thought that I was some sort of control freak... . Not so.  I didnt enjoy constantly worrying if my BPDex was cheating on me and with whom.  It was slowly killing me. I did it to try and prevent any more of it.

It also shocked me how hot/cold I became with her... . Absolutely RANDOMLY a nasty little factoid from our or her past would slip into my mind, and it would be all I could think about.  Be it a past instance of cheating, what happened with my friends, something from her past, etc., it would get in my head and I would obsess about it, and end up taking out my discomfort and anger on her.  It got to a point where she would actually start telling me "I am not going to do this right now, I will talk to you later" and not talk to me until I calmed down... . This behavior is SO unlike me and in hindsight I don't know exactly why I behaved that way.  I think there was so much hurt and disrespect in that relationship that I bottled up so much of it, at random times some would slip out, and because I hadn't properly handled it, only bottled it, it would cause me to lose it.


I SO hope that going forward, away from her and onto someone I can love properly and feel their absolute love back, these traits will leave me.  My dBPDex and I had some GREAT times, and when it was just the two of us in a room, we laughed and played and got on great.  It was when she had to manage the rest of the world we ran into problems, and the nasty side of me came out.

[Octoberfest]

Also, it feels really good to acknowledge some of my own faults and my contributions to the failing of the relationship... . I think it is really easy to say "oh it was the BPD! that made it all go to hell!" when really the most progress is going to come from acknowledging my own faults in addition to hers.  It pains me to look at the hurt I caused her and how it may haven pushed her one way or another. 

When she and I would discuss how I treated her the first 2.5 months, I would explain to her that I didn't know any better. I didnt hurt her like I did on purpose, it was out of ignorance... . and I think because I saw how I changed, I believed SHE could do the same thing, which is why I tried so hard.  I just have to keep telling myself it wasn't me who made her cheat on me like she did.  Because I made a night and day change when I realized I loved her, and I became the most caring, loving, supportive guy she could ask for.  And it wasn't enough.

[wanttoknowmore]

Yes. I started behaving like pwBPD at the tail end of r/s and I am certainly do not have BPD. Last 2 months of our 2 yrs of r/s was bizzare. I tried

to understand it. She used to answer my calls and texts and she used to call me in normal way. But, in last 2 months ,she started acting flaky and unpredictable. She will not answer or answer after 3 or 4 calls/texts. I think this push-pull behavior drove me crazy and made me desperate. I never behaved needy or clingy in any other r/s ever before. I started fearing abandonment and felt so weak that I can't believe it was me. Used to be a very confident and self assured man.

I truly believe that BPD break ups have potential to change  behavior to BPDlike.  Now, after 12 weeks of NC, I am fully back to my original self and can see things clearly.

[Bananas]

yes, this is normal.

as you get more and more drawn into the dysfunctional relationship, you will try harder and harder to get your partner to behave as he/she did in the beginning when they were putting you on a pedestal and making you feel good. why wouldn't you? it felt good, and you were in love with your soulmate, or so you thought... . and as the relationship went on, your BPD partner worked you away from reality and into their world instead... . where distorted logic and nonsensical behavior was the norm... . and because you wanted them to be happy you bought their logic and excuses for their weird behavior... . and eventually... . you started behaving similarly! welcome to the land we call oz... .

as you pull further away, and as more time away from the craziness of a relationship with a borderline goes by, more and more things and events that occurred will pop into your head... . they'll suddenly make sense as you see the light... . things that seemed off at the time... . but you were to busy to think about it at the time... . and suddenly the excuses and strange things that your partner said and did will start to make sense... . but it won't be the way your BPD partner explained it at the time... .  

you got drawn into the crazy world of a borderline, and eventually, you will start to act like they do... . and you'll probably be criticized for it by your BPD partner too!

insane, but that's the way it is!

don't worry though. you will get over it and get back to normal. your BPD partner won't.

b2

Yes this is me exactly.  Every time he pulled away I think my desperate behavior got worse.  Nice to know i am normal.  And I am having more and more of those moments, remembering things he said or did that seemed off but he could explain away, now starting to see the light.  Thanks b2.

[delgato]

you got drawn into the crazy world of a borderline, and eventually, you will start to act like they do... . and you'll probably be criticized for it by your BPD partner too!

Both times I hit that point, not only did I get criticized, but *I* was labeled the crazy one -- & got dumped for it!

For real, yo? LOL

Yes, I'm at the point where I can just laugh about it now, for the most part. But it was so bizarre with all the stuff that I had put up with her, and as soon as I snap from it all, acting just like she had, she gets rid of me.

Too much, too scr#wy, man.


And as for the guy who had mentioned in this thread how much better off he was in basically all areas of life after he got away from her... . well, I can certainly attest to that in my own life, as well.

It's like the total opposite of a true/healthy relationship, if you think about it.

[bpdspell]

I did things that were totally embarrassing and out of character. Things that are totally not my style. But I forgive myself cause I truly could not understand the progression of how something so magical could turn into a weekend at Bernies. I yelled, screamed and cussed obscenities... . made public spectacles, became ragingly jealous when I was triangulated, and cried enough tears for him to drown in. At times my desperation and numbness brought me to unimagined emotional lows.

The only thing we can do is forgive ourselves. We're human too. I'm happy to say that I can now look back at it and get a good chuckle. It was pure insanity.

[stop2think]

I am relieved to know that it is normal to behave like a pwBPD at desperate times. I wonder if that is what pushes them farther from us since we are now acting like a mirror to them.

My exbf started to behave like a normal-rational person, like we switched roles towards the tail end of the r/s. He gave me advices to improve the way i need to manage my life. He was tipping me with his 'better sense' of how one needs to keep personal and professional life seperate. To be practical in life and respect our parents because they love us etc etc... . i mean what? HUH!

After his 'i am god' and 'i am a practical human being' showcasing and speeches for days... . he dumped me, that must have boosted his ego to the power infinity. Immediately applied complete NC.

Now happily married a new girl, and must be living his dream life. And i am painted black, discarded. After i gave him everything, i am here all alone, combating the dancing demons!

[mcc503764]

We may still be in pain now, but eventually we will forgive ourselves and move forward in a positive manner!  We will have learned from this horrid experience and be better in our next r/s!

My x on the other hand is still repeating her same old patterns.  That's how I know that this was NOT MY fault!  I share the responsibility of course, but there was nothing that I could have done to make the outcome any different!

I think we have the tendency to beat ourselves up alot over this, but given the right amount of time, we develop the perspective to see it for what it actually was!

I still miss my x, but I miss the person that she appeared to be.  I feel sorry for her now that I see what she has become... . it's unfortunate!

MCC

[Octoberfest]

We may still be in pain now, but eventually we will forgive ourselves and move forward in a positive manner!  We will have learned from this horrid experience and be better in our next r/s!

My x on the other hand is still repeating her same old patterns.  That's how I know that this was NOT MY fault!  I share the responsibility of course, but there was nothing that I could have done to make the outcome any different!

I think we have the tendency to beat ourselves up alot over this, but given the right amount of time, we develop the perspective to see it for what it actually was!

I still miss my x, but I miss the person that she appeared to be.  I feel sorry for her now that I see what she has become... . it's unfortunate!

MCC

So well put.

I did make mistakes in my r/s with my BPDex.  I did hurt her.  But I can look at her history and know that SOMETHING isn't right.  A normal healthy person doesn't have as much baggage and hurt as she does.

I miss my x in some ways too... . I miss how it was when it was just us, alone, without the rest of the world.  But that isn't a reality, and what I miss is a piece of her, not the whole package.  Sorry is an apt way to describe what I feel.  Sorry that the part I see value in is lost in with the rest of her.

[mango_flower]

Yep.

My lowest point was one day when she was acting horribly, and walked out on me to go and work "away" and stay up in a hotel.

I threw myself on the floor, sobbing, and with all dignity lost, was screaming "don't leave me! don't leave me!".

Maybe subconsciously I felt that they were actions/words she'd understand, in "her language"?

She walked away anyway.  She later tells me that was the point she knew we were over.

Nice, eh.  All the times I put up with her tantrums, tears... . and when the shoe is on the other foot... . !

I feel so ashamed about how I acted.  It was definitely my rock bottom.  It was like she triggered something in me (not that I can blame her, they were MY actions).  I never ever want to be like that again.  I never have been in the past and I haven't been since.

[JaneRain]

Oh my goodness this is happening to me right now and I'm so glad to see I'm not the only one. My exBPD boyfriend broke up with me 2 mornings ago, and I feel at times very stable, then one moment I snap and I feel frantic and panicked and anxious and I NEED to contact him. I NEED him otherwise I can't breathe. I begin to question whether I'm BPD as well, but I know I've just been emotionally and mentally abused so I have the right to act this way. I don't like being pathetic though, I want to BEG him to talk to me. It's taking everything I have to NOT talk to him, and I really messed up today by sending him a wrong message, intended for someone else and he definitely got the wrong idea. And I was doing so good ignoring him too. That led to him deleting me. I hate this right now. I'm so distressed.  :'(

[laelle]

Kelsey , im on my mobile at the moment but will post more when i get home.  The frantic you feel is totally normal.  Not one of us here did not go through it.  You sound like me three months ago.  I promise you it gets better .

Hang tight, you may feel there is a rush to handle things today, but you have all the time in the world.  Go out and do something for yourself today.  You deserve it

 laelle

[winston72]

KelseyRain... . that is so painful.  My heart goes out to you.  I have been in a similar place too, too many times.  May I say that it will all get better.  That inner turmoil, need and pain is such a clear indicator that things are not well... . yet in that moment I identified those emotions as driving me to seek relief from my partner.  And it is difficult, seemingly impossible, to fight that urge.  The accidental message and the fear attached to it.  So horrible!  And so, so, so unnecessary.  Why is the relationship so charged in these ways?  It kills us.  There is a better time in life ahead for you.  Time and distance will improve things greatly.  Truly.  And, as I write this I feel sad that I am not moving into that better time of life with my former partner, but this sadness is so much better than the constant anxiety I was living with.  Oh, my.  What a crazy world.

[Billa]

it seems we ALL shared the same experience and this prompts me a sort of relief, as sometimes I feel very guilty as I find that in the last period I behaved in an irrational way, that is not my own one.

[Billa]

Kelsey, some of us are there, others have been. It's hard, I know, but always keep in mind that you are the NON and he is the insane, not the reverse. A big hug.