Lies and revisionist history

[broken3]

Hello all,

Something I have been wondering alot about lately as I found some old stbex journals and adding to that the last 6 months of events has me confused.

Why is it that if you have the truth in your hand whether it be a text, or a letter from your SO. That they can say that they never said that, or did not write that. Then get angry that you even question them about same or even bring it up for that matter.

We are talking gigantic lies.

"I did not know I was spending us in the poorhouse". Really, here are 17 times in your handwriting that you say you have a problem.

"I never said you abused me or the kids". Really, here is the court paperwork which is what you said to a judge.

" He is stalking me". Really, going to the clothes store and getting a text saying come in and say hello at her (unknown) new restaurant job.

" He is just a friend". Really 180 calls and texts to him in a day. And then he shows up at your place.

Text accidentally recieved from uBPDex. "love you babe, miss you, just know that we are near".  I question same. " he's just a good friend".

Are the pwBPD that out to lunch? Thank god I have these and 1000 other texts and journal entries for proof otherwise I would have been eaten alive by the courts.

But, I still am confused how people can believe and say whatever they want.

Even though you show them and everyone around them the truth. Yet they still say they never did or said any of that.

I know it's denial. But we are not talking spoken words here.

Any insight?

[schwing]

Denial works in all kinds of levels.

Denial is ultimately a coping mechanism.  It shields the mind from what it cannot handle.  You tell me how fragile the mind of a person with BPD (pwBPD) is, if they have to deny their own written words.

[mermaidOZ]

I had the same experience with my BPD ex. 

I felt in the last six months of my relationship with my ex, I felt that I was losing my mind in the same way as broken3.

It's one thing accept a partner may lie to you once in a while about trivial things, or even not so savory things, but it can usually be resolved and normal levels of guilt or desire to sort out come into play.  Since I asked my ex BPD to leave (or rather threw him out of my house that I fully pay rent for with my kids because I got to the point I was afraid of the suicide threats, the agression towards me and my own sanity) the enormity of the lies and total twist on past events (recent and otherwise) has been and still is hard to grasp.  He lied about affairs, finances, business his feelings etc

I was accused of cheating, lying, being lazy, and everything under the sun.  The accusations got more and more absurd.  The irony was, that what he was accusing me of doing, was actually what he was doing in a lot of instances, but I was too blind to see it.  In my case, his lying and deflecting events, happened slowly and I think methodically.  It was a way for him to assert control of me. I believe that this tactic was pre-meditated.  It might not be the case - as I am still trying to understand what went on in his head.

Because it was a slow process (and he would accuse me of all sorts of ridiculous things to take attention away from his lies) I don't think in my case, that I noticed it straight away.  I am pretty happy to go with the flow most of the time, and am used to moody people, so just used to ignore things, or make changes to stop insults and abuse as it was easier to adapt than fight it.

Apparently working in a Senior management job full time, paying 100% of household bills while raising 2 kids and going on family holidays each year - constitutes being lazy.  I never complained, only asked for minimal help occassionly.  But my BPDex escallated his demands the more I let him have to the point of ridiculous. 

Going out for my best friends birthday drinks means I must be looking to pick up random guys.  Having a ciggarette once in a while (seriously 1 every few months) means I am a disgusting human being that he could not be intimate with.  I got worried and he ended up signing a pre-nupt.  That was the best thing I could have ever done in retrospect.  I'm still owed thousands, but I wont lose everything.

Like broken3, if you re-read the texts and emails it's easier to realise you are not crazy.  I too found it amazing how my ex BPD would re-invent events.  In once case, when I lent him some vast sum of money for his business - he wrote and signed a document saying he would pay it back - then denied it!  I had the paper in my hand!  Having said that, re-reading those old texts and emails is not healthy for me any more.  I am working to a life now with normal friends and family. In my case, I'm not able to start dating yet.

Fortunately my kids are from an ex husband (non) and I dont have the drama of custody etc.

Now my ex BPD has a new victim, overlapping our break-up process - even though he told me that I was crazy for thinking he was seeing someone else.  I found, cut and past and emailed him the facebook posts of him out with his new girl - he still wrote that it never happened and that this girl tagged him when he wasn't there etc etc

At he same time he would text (never call) that he wanted to be married to me etc - but because I was so jealous and horrible - he was forced to leave.  Very different take on forced to leave!

With the BPD form of lies and denial - does anyone think that BPDs actually believe their own fantasy and lies deep down - or these denials?  Or is it just a reflex? Do they ever feel remorse in quiet moments?  Or do they just not care about the trail of destruction they leave behind?

I am starting to think that my ex BPD is just wired different to the rest of us.  It's the only way I have been able to come to terms with the lies that have surfaced, and deal with the fact I guess I must have been co-dependent, or blind or a sucker or whatever, to have let it go on for such a long time.

[bpdspell]

You don't need to be mentally ill to be a liar or to twist the truth but for people with BPD denial and delusion are often their "go to" maladaptive coping mechanism to minimize the intense shame that they carry. They are filled with INTENSE shame and it hurts in every bone in their bodies.

Even if the truth is glaringly evident they don't want to be accountable or responsible for their lies, manipulation, control tactics, or bullying ways because it triggers their shame which is at the crux of their disorder. Better to blame the nearest person around and that's usually us.

Shame is a very powerful and overwhelming emotion and can be devastating to feel especially if your sense of self is already unstable. This is why they cannot "own" their inner ugly. In their minds it's better to project and blame than to accept that they are flawed and imperfect.

What we didn't know walking into these relationships was that they were this way before we met them. The disorder doesn't magically develop when they got with us. It was always there, with a mask on until closeness, intimacy, need and vulnerability forces them to reveal their true selves.

[charred]

They live by manipulation/lies... . if you disagree with them and stand fast, you see through their facade, and are a danger to them.

A con man doesn't stick around long when he is found out, imagine your whole life is a lie... . that is close to what their reality is... . their biggest fear (besides being abandoned)... . is being found out.

So long as you are "buying it" they can go round and round... . but be objective, have facts and proof and in my experience, you get denial, accusations, and skid marks as they bound out of your life.

I don't think they are deeply shamed by anything, the lack of remorse or ability to accept responsibility for their own actions seems to let them substitute blaming the victim for feeling shame.

I don't hold anything against my pwBPD... . I am finally accepting them for what they are, disordered and not fully emotionally developed... . not even close.

[ComoLu]

My uxBPDH reinvented our entire history and blamed every decision he didn't like in his life on me... . I made him cheat on me, made him take jobs, etc.  He even carried that crap into the courtroom, but the judge didn't believe him.  The judge took my word for most everything because I had documentation or witnesses for almost everything.  Still my x believes his lies.  He is fully aware of the things he has done, but he has justified all of his behavior by blaming me for it.

He even convinced himself that having had a vasectomy was sufficient protection when he had unprotected sex during his affairs because his "women" were all clean and would never cheat on him even though he knew that they had husbands, boyfriends, etc. and were cheaters too.  The worst part is that he risked my life too, and I didn't even know.  Frankly, I was amazed that a man I had believed intelligent could be so stupid.

[mrclear]

It's called "Gaslighting".

Bordeliners use this tactic to survive and sustain their instability after you're gone.

www.angiemedia.com/2010/07/20/borderlines-making-you-feel-insane-via-gaslighting/#.Ua2Lsaz4KSo

The Bordeliner is terrified of reality. They simply can't deal with truth, because it confronts them with their true, flawed, unstable self.

mrclear

[mermaidOZ]

Wow - reading about "gaslighting" is exactly what I went through!

For me, it started with little things and ended up with some really seriously wild accusations i.e when I had a drink and my memory may have been slightly foggy.

In the last terrible days of our break- up, I once conciously used the same tactic (not knowing what it was called ) right back at him... . I did it once in an arguement I think to see what reaction I would get - as I knew he was doing this to me all the time.

Thanks Mr Clear for that.  I still dont know why they do that systematically to break us down.  Maybe they feel better when we are broken. 

[Billa]

Hello all,

Why is it that if you have the truth in your hand whether it be a text, or a letter from your SO. That they can say that they never said that, or did not write that. Then get angry that you even question them about same or even bring it up for that matter.

But, I still am confused how people can believe and say whatever they want.

Even though you show them and everyone around them the truth. Yet they still say they never did or said any of that.

I know it's denial. But we are not talking spoken words here.

Any insight?

welcome on board... . I've been there, I'm still there, wondering... .

[Billa]

So long as you are "buying it" they can go round and round... . but be objective, have facts and proof and in my experience, you get denial, accusations, and skid marks as they bound out of your life.

that's it, once you uncover the veil, they throw you out

[tailspin]

broken,

Those suffering from a mental illness have a distorted sense of reality; that is, their memories don't necessarily reflect what actually happened, but the feelings they experienced associated with the event. 

Their memories reflect feelings and not actual events.  Once these feelings disappear, due to their inability to sustain any emotion, so then do the memories associated with these feelings.  We see this as a big fat lie.  They see it as just another day.

My ex would look at me in disbelief when I tried to discuss something he said or did during one of his dissociative episodes.  He would accuse me of bringing up the past, and indeed I was in an effort to understand what the heck just happened. 

We are placed in a no-win situation and lies further reinforce this dilemma.

tailspin

[slimmiller]

Reminds me of the pyramid on the Pink Floyd album. Shine a clear light in on one side and get a myramid of colors (their delusions) out the other side.

I am convinced mine has a 'filter' if you will where she filters what she takes in from her conversations or even life expereinces and thats how she sees life. If you say something (something they said for instance) they resist and dont know how to filter it and the claws come out.

And yes, when the veil comes off and you expose them, they are terrified.

Makes me sad for her actully. :'( I can not imagine living in such a surreal, distorted reality