Taking steps to leave... it's scary

[southerngirl]

I've delivered the engagement letter to the attorney and am now just needing to get him a check. Should be able to do that this week. It's hard. Intellectually I know it's the right thing. Especially for my kids. My H is Jekyll/Hyde. We can't keep living like this. I had told him I'd wait until end of summer but I have decided not to. He's not going to change. And my kids and I are suffering because of it. It bugs me that I feel some guilt and I do worry about how he'll do. He told me last week I'm selfish for wanting to be happy.

[Clearmind]

All the best to you this week SG! You are brave and doing the best thing for you and kiddo’s.

It’s a huge step – you can begin your healing very soon. You will do just fine. You have shown great strength and leadership carrying out what you needed to do.

Chin up and take care of you. Go for a nice massage this week or do something really relaxing.

[southerngirl]

Thank you so much.  As we all know, it's easy to get sucked back in and to struggle to leave.  We go through the ups and downs and during the good we think we can do it.  But I am so worn and tired. I see my son exhibiting the same behavior and I just can't lose him to this too.  I know it's going to be nasty.  I know he's going to be angry.  I'm not afraid of him physically.  I am afraid of him mentally.  I wish I wouldn't think about how he's going to do or worry about him.  He guilts me. I know my kids will be upset and I just hope that one day that will understand and forgive.

Thank you for the encouragement and positive words.

[Clearmind]

SG, do you have a leaving plan?

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

[southerngirl]

Yes, I do. I'm working on the final details. My parents are going to come and be here when u tell him. I'm going to leave with the kids for the weekend in order for him to get his stuff together and find a new place. If more time is needed I'm going to stay at a friend's house. If he refuses to move out my attorney said he will be forcibly removed. I have a lot if support and help from friends and family.

[Vindi]

  glad you are making positive steps, even so more, when you said you'd wait til the end of the summer yet doing this now. There must be something in you to say, do this sooner than later, and yes for the sake of your own peace of mind and your children also. I am so proud of what you are doing, and not being afraid, and taking charge.

Just wanted to give you a "thanks for sharing" for something so brave that you are doing, it gives alot of others, who may be afraid... . hope!

[DramaEverything]

Wow, Southerngirl... . you are officially my hero.  Our stories are so much alike.  I have two small boys.  I'm in a marriage I want out of.  My undxh has ruined their little lives.  My oldest boy is 10 and he's afraid of his dad.  It's a sad situation around here.  Nobody wants to be home when daddy is home.  Not even I. 

I'll be sending positive thoughts your way and I'll be following your situation more.  I wish the best for you. 

[southerngirl]

Thank you for the encouragement. I certainly don't feel like a hero. I have struggled with this decision. It was hard. I still doubt myself. I still feel like I'm the crazy one sometimes. But what has pushed me is watching what it's doing to my kids. My son, who is 8, is having temper problems, is lashing out at me when it's all 4 of us but when it's either just me and him or me him and my daughter, he's my sweet precious boy. He has trouble sleeping, often says he has nightmares or bad dreams. He has very low self esteem. His dad called for him to come to him on Saturday and my son came out and said "what? What's wrong with be?"  It's still hard even knowing all this. My husband has controlled his anger but it feels right below the surface and he's very controlling and critical. But right now he's been so sugary sweet that I feel crazy. I know I will continue to have doubts and wonder. But one thing I do is document as much as I can and I read back over that and it gives me strength. My support system has been amazing and points things out that I can't see.

I'm happy to support and listen. This is hard. It's a roller coaster. No one shld have to go thru this. Know your not alone. Look for support and strength. My kids are my primary motivation but also what make me doubt myself bc I know they won't understand and I know they'll be upset. If it was just me I'd already be gone. I've been with him 13 years.

[DramaEverything]

What's really crazy is that my son is the one who called the attention to the "elephant" in the room.  He had enough of his father making him feel frightened.  My son said for the last 4 years he's put up with his father treating us this way.  He's 10 years old and the bravest boy I know.  I had no idea he felt this way.  I guess all the fights and passive aggressive insults were invading our childs lives and I was oblivious to it all.  It took my son to finally do something about it.  He stood up to him one night and let it all out.  We are in therapy, but I'm not really impressed with who we are with.  Plus, my husband is only there to paint me black, not to help our son in any way.  My H has already admitted that the reason he's so angry is because of me.  I pretty much don't live up to his expectations.  As my son likes to say, "if we don't do things dads' way, he's mad."

I did find an old journal dating back 4 years ago with alot of fights/arguements documented.  (Boy, was my son right on with the dates... . .  Kids are so smart!).  Just by reading what I did, all I can say is this guy is really a jerk, and who in their right mind would marry him!... . Let alone have kids!  Oh yeah.  I did.  I've been with him since 1993.  20 years.

Some people worry their kids would be hurt/angry if they were to separate/divorce their spouse.  I believe my kids would be relieved.  Things are great when it's just us three.  When dads around, it's total drama.

I wish I knew how the unemployed housewife picked themselves and their 2 kids up and left with no money and left a miserable marriage.  This is the only thing holding me back. 

I have a great family and support system and they don't ever see him changing.  It's up to me to make the first step.

Yes, you are correct.  They get scared and they get on their best behaviour.  My H has two friends who are having marital problems.  Ones wife just left him.  He came home from work to find his bed, tv, and most belongings gone... . including his wife.  So, now my H is paranoid that I'm gonna leave.  He's been extra nice lately.  Comes home from work and says, "I'm glad you're still here". 

Eventually it will all fade.  They will return back to normal, they always do.

Kids are the best motivation.  Hopefully they will understand we are doing what's best for them.

[southerngirl]

Well, Drama, I can tell you this. I have been a stay at home mom for over 8 years. 2 years ago I went to graduate school and I'm almost done. I start work in the fall. Part of it was do I could take care of myself and my kids. I won't make a lot because I'll be working for a school district but between that and child support I think we will be ok. Will we live like we do now? Absolutely not. We will definitely downsize and simplify. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm trusting in God too that we will make it. You will make it. Just think about life on the other side. I am. We just had an encounter where my H bristled and became irritated bc I didn't tell him about an invitation the kids received for tomorrow after school. His comment "this is the first I'm hearing of it". Well I just found out this afternoon and just got home. Apparently he had plans for them he didn't bother to tell me about. I look forward to not living like this and not worrying about someone's reaction. I look forward to not walking on eggshells.

Hang in there.

[Validation78]

Hi Southerngirl!

I commend you on your strength and ability to make decisions that will protect you and your children despite the fact that your path may be difficult.

Having a game plan is essential, and thankfully, you have a good support system, you will need them.

Keep your eye on the prize. Stay committed to improving your lives by leaving a bad, no win situation. Get out of the FOG, and know in your heart that you are doing the right thing, and you will be fine.

Best Wishes,

Val78