ex re-engages... of course now I feel horrible

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So after another 9 days NC my ex messaged me on gchat. I tried to keep it civil. Of course within 15 minutes it wasn't. I made the huge mistake of telling her that she seems pretty miserable and stressed lately. I compared herself to a year ago when we were just friends. She seemed happier. I said it out of concern because honestly... . the last time I saw her she looked really unhealthy. Of course she flips and says that I'm basically bullying her. That really upset me. I wasn't trying to bully or even be mean. I was generally concerned for her. She accused me of being one of the types that hurts the ones closest to them (suddenly I'm thinking projection) and said all I do is criticize her and tell her that she has issues. I made the mistake of mentioning BPD one drunken night 2 months ago. Of course now I feel terrible and regret talking to her.

She called me out on never talking to her anymore. At this point I called her and explained to her that I don't call her anymore because she is engaged, I'm trying to detach, and that its not to punish her. She got engaged 3 months after we broke up and will get married in 2 more months. Not once during these conversations does she show any empathy or say sorry for anything she has done. What makes me sick is that I have this awful need to want to protect her and help her... . yet at the same time I want nothing to do with her anymore because of all this pain she brings me. What is even worse is that when I called her 2 hours after the initial fight... . she didn't even seem to care.

[me757]

So after another 9 days NC my ex messaged me on gchat. I tried to keep it civil. Of course within 15 minutes it wasn't. I made the huge mistake of telling her that she seems pretty miserable and stressed lately. I compared herself to a year ago when we were just friends. She seemed happier. I said it out of concern because honestly... . the last time I saw her she looked really unhealthy. Of course she flips and says that I'm basically bullying her. That really upset me. I wasn't trying to bully or even be mean. I was generally concerned for her. She accused me of being one of the types that hurts the ones closest to them (suddenly I'm thinking projection) and said all I do is criticize her and tell her that she has issues. I made the mistake of mentioning BPD one drunken night 2 months ago. Of course now I feel terrible and regret talking to her.

She called me out on never talking to her anymore. At this point I called her and explained to her that I don't call her anymore because she is engaged, I'm trying to detach, and that its not to punish her. She got engaged 3 months after we broke up and will get married in 2 more months. Not once during these conversations does she show any empathy or say sorry for anything she has done. What makes me sick is that I have this awful need to want to protect her and help her... . yet at the same time I want nothing to do with her anymore because of all this pain she brings me. What is even worse is that when I called her 2 hours after the initial fight... . she didn't even seem to care.

[Clearmind]

me, its hurtful if we pass judgement on how another person is feeling and then you called to tell her that you are trying to detach. Don't contact her - it hurts you and her.

Protect yourself, save yourself and heal - let this go.

Reengaging is something different to making contact. This was simply contact.

[me757]

I think it was re-engagement at the beginning before I screwed up and said that stuff. She kept saying "sigh... . " as if she missed me/was sad. That was the whole reason why I mentioned that she seemed sad in the first place... . Then she went off. I told her I was trying to detach in the nicest way possible... . but yeah I need to probably block her because I'm not strong enough to not respond.

[Clearmind]

If this was to work out and you were to reconcile it takes the two of you.  A healthy relationship is balanced and both come to the party. Right now you feel guilt and shame over “screwing” it up. You didn’t screw it up – you are attempting to make good of a bad situation.

This relationship is based on shaky foundations.

No response is best. You respond possibly hoping for the best and the “I miss you” and “I love you’s” – hoping she will see the light. In time you will detach and move through these painful times.

Sit with it.

[me757]

Yeah, you're right. It's crazy. I think I'm about over the relationship and then I get set back so much so fast. I feel trapped. It's so hard not to want to help her see the light but I know that she just hates me for that. Maybe now she has finally painted me black and I won't get approached. NC attempt again... .

[Clearmind]

Be kind to yourself - you are most likely processing these set backs alot quicker than you did. You have come along way.