I think I am losing grip?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have spent two sleepless nights and have all the same trauma (PSTD) responses happening again that I did 3.5 weeks ago after finding him with another woman although he told me there was no other woman. While yesterday I posted an addition to my original post about seeing "them" together on Sunday and feeling sick to the stomach, I commented I was not going to respond. But I was up for hours last night ruminating on how I was starting to recover and trying to work out why I feel so traumatized again. I don't want a relationship with this liar, cheater, abuser. Yet... .

Yesterday I crumbled inside again when I saw them for a second time in two days when they pulled up at the shops a couple of cars in front of me and he jumped out to get the paper while she sat in the passenger seat and the dog was in the back. This was a normal morning routine for us and showed me she must be fully integrated and available to him (It was a work day. He doesn't work much now 'cos hes trying to get disability pension for an incident where he was king hit over 5 years ago - says he can't function - lies).  Then lastnight he texted sounding very final: "Thankyou so much for everything you & (daughter) have done in a heartfelt way! (The dog) and I are grateful for the love & consideration you both have extended to us. Following (the dog's) car hits your love and care will "never" be forgotten amongst many other delightful memories shared. Love ... .   and (the dog) xo x 100000 ps. Hope you are both well and happy" 

Does this text seem like a final goodbye? Can I have hope?

But ruminating, I decided to respond. I have put a text together but not sent it yet. I decided to post here instead. But I am so close to responding and I don't even get why I am putting so much energy into this. He has moved on - what I have been hoping him to do for a long time.

This is what I have drafted "Ah, the hooking the new woman is complete, it it? (Including victimhood, lies and sex so that she won't abandon you). (No being "slow" for you in a new relationship!) Using all the same words? (My heart loves your heart). And painted me black like you did all the exs to me? (My decent into stange behaviour was mirroring yours - poor you). Hopefully when the truth prevails she will be too hooked to leave you. Goodluck! xo x 100000 Ps. Obviously no apology seems necessary for the latest deceit and sudden unexplained withdrawal: "There is no one, ... . (my name)!"  You and your "no one" seemed pretty comfortable with each other.

Thoughts/words/support please? I am on the edge.  :'(

[learningtowalkagain1]

I have spent two sleepless nights and have all the same trauma (PSTD) responses happening again that I did 3.5 weeks ago after finding him with another woman although he told me there was no other woman. While yesterday I posted an addition to my original post about seeing "them" together on Sunday and feeling sick to the stomach, I commented I was not going to respond. But I was up for hours last night ruminating on how I was starting to recover and trying to work out why I feel so traumatized again. I don't want a relationship with this liar, cheater, abuser. Yet... .

Yesterday I crumbled inside again when I saw them for a second time in two days when they pulled up at the shops a couple of cars in front of me and he jumped out to get the paper while she sat in the passenger seat and the dog was in the back. This was a normal morning routine for us and showed me she must be fully integrated and available to him (It was a work day. He doesn't work much now 'cos hes trying to get disability pension for an incident where he was king hit over 5 years ago - says he can't function - lies).  Then lastnight he texted sounding very final: "Thankyou so much for everything you & (daughter) have done in a heartfelt way! (The dog) and I are grateful for the love & consideration you both have extended to us. Following (the dog's) car hits your love and care will "never" be forgotten amongst many other delightful memories shared. Love ... .   and (the dog) xo x 100000 ps. Hope you are both well and happy" 

Does this text seem like a final goodbye? Can I have hope?

But ruminating, I decided to respond. I have put a text together but not sent it yet. I decided to post here instead. But I am so close to responding and I don't even get why I am putting so much energy into this. He has moved on - what I have been hoping him to do for a long time.

This is what I have drafted "Ah, the hooking the new woman is complete, it it? (Including victimhood, lies and sex so that she won't abandon you). (No being "slow" for you in a new relationship!) Using all the same words? (My heart loves your heart). And painted me black like you did all the exs to me? (My decent into stange behaviour was mirroring yours - poor you). Hopefully when the truth prevails she will be too hooked to leave you. Goodluck! xo x 100000 Ps. Obviously no apology seems necessary for the latest deceit and sudden unexplained withdrawal: "There is no one, ... . (my name)!"  You and your "no one" seemed pretty comfortable with each other.

Thoughts/words/support please? I am on the edge.  :'(

[connect]

Hello,

I don't have long but wanted to post. I am sorry for what is happening to you  - its really tough for you

My instant thought is to sleep on that text and see how you feel about sending it in the morning. I can totally see why you want to send it  but if its worth sending it will keep. Posting and writing the text out on here will help you I am sure as well.

Sleep on it and see how you feel. Also a bit of a delay in answering is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances. Maybe you could try writing him an "anger letter" tonight (obviously not to post to him) and get some of the feelings out that way too.

[Clearmind]

My friend, this situation is hurtful – I can understand that. Rise above his pettiness and misdemeanours. You really do deserve some solace.

If he is doing this to you, he will do this to the new girl. Walk away and move forward with your life - heal.

[patientandclear]

LTWA: I completely understand about the trauma reaction.  It IS a trauma.  You trusted him, he said things to induce trust, he violated and betrayed that trust & hurt you.  It does a LOT of damage.  It's taken me a long time to heal even partially.

But.  I think you would come to regret sending that message.  What it will accomplish is to give him the moral high ground.  It will confirm to him that you are a bitter, jealous woman & he is better off without you.  True, the chronology is off (you got bitter because of what he did!) but he won't think of it that way.  It will reinforce for him the choice that he made.

Whereas you taking the high road is obviously troubling to him, whence all the ridiculous texts hoping you are well.  May I ask why you wish to let him out of the uncomfortable position he is in?  Because that is what you would be doing -- giving him a justification by your angry, bitter response, something to point to to say "see, that's why I did it, LTWA is like THAT."

I've also noticed that we all read and learn about BPD and then want to share our newfound knowledge of how it all works with the person who hurt us ... . but telling them they are engaged in projection or mirroring or that we understand they fear abandonment and that's what this is all about -- it's likely to be met with "huh?"  Those are analytical tools that assist us in grasping what happened to us, but if you're going to communicate with your ex, I think talking like a human who is not obsessed with the ex's likely emotional disorder provides more dignity.

If you must make any response I would go with something like "I am not OK.  I'm not sure the point of these messages but they do not help.  I'd appreciate it if you could respect my experience here and not make contact with me."  Dignified, asserts that he did harm, says you are taking care of yourself and don't require his help, thank you very much.

[Nearlybroken]

I have been where you are and it is awful.I have also  reacted with the angry texts ( didn't work), I have written letters explaining how much I care and how I feel ( didn't work), tried to explain face to face my point of view ( didn't work), .In short, I believe that the best thing for you to do is not to react.I KNOW it is almost impossible... . I have totally failed when it comes to not reacting myself.But I can only speak from my own experiences... . there is nothing that you can do that will make him care about the way his actions make you feel.If he is anything like my expwBPD... . any reaction from you will merely serve to be another reaction that he can twist in order to make you feel worse.I know your pain... . I recently found out that my expwBPD has just hooked up with someone... . following a tissue of lies etc.I would like to tell him just how much this has destroyed me... . but there would be no point as there is no empathy. But I just wanted you to know that I fully understand what you are going through.

[Rose Tiger]

Times like this it is very cathartic to watch the movie Willow.  Especially the scene after he tells her all these lovey dovey things.  She is asking him what happened to his feelings and he says they went away.  She yells, elbows him good in the gut and takes off.  Yes!

BPD love is very similiar to that scene where he is 'all in love'.  And the next minute, doesn't feel that way at all.  OUCH.  And the desire to hurt back is very strong.  But they don't process thoughts normally, you can't hurt him conventionally.  YOU CAD!  Is met with bewilderment.  YOU UNFEELING TROG!  Nope, they think you've gone off the deep end.

It is not safe to share your feelings with this person, who will drop your heart, stomp on it and say 'whoopsy'.  :)on't share anything deep with this person.  Not safe, danger, red alert.  Choices are to not answer or answer in the most noncommital way.  "Thank you so much for sharing, wish you the best!"  Boring.  Mirroring.  No emotion.  To wean this person away while you heal your heart.     It is all busted up, it can't take anymore wacks.  Protect it.

[recoil]

My gut would tell me not to respond at all.  Giving him any attention, good or bad, is what he wants. 

Silence x 100,000.

[bpdspell]

I agree with all the others. It's always best to let your silence speak.

Hurting him will only hurt you more in the long run because you won't get the response you desire. I get it. You feel rejected and abandoned and you want to lash out at him for being an insensitive prick but it's best to make the decision to no longer give him your power. It really is your strongest offense. As long as your spilling your feelings through a text he will know that he has you tap dancing to the drum of his beat. He will know that you're waiting for him to come back and make things ok.

The question that now stands is what do you want for yourself? It may be worth your sanity to take yourself off the roller coaster for good. Give it consideration. He does not have the magic key to your happiness and he is incapable of fulfilling your needs because if he's truly BPD he is sick in the head and heart.

I know what it feels like to feel that the other woman is winning or how he's positioned himself to be the prize catch but the truth of who he is will always prevail in the end. But you have to step back and ask yourself if she's really winning? Is he some sort of prince of perfection? A knight in shining armor? Or is he the phony fake happy man you know him to truly be?

This is your time now and he's doing you a favor. You now have space to make a new choice. Hopefully that choice will be to remove yourself from the triangle for good.

[Octoberfest]

I have spent two sleepless nights and have all the same trauma (PSTD) responses happening again that I did 3.5 weeks ago after finding him with another woman although he told me there was no other woman. While yesterday I posted an addition to my original post about seeing "them" together on Sunday and feeling sick to the stomach, I commented I was not going to respond. But I was up for hours last night ruminating on how I was starting to recover and trying to work out why I feel so traumatized again. I don't want a relationship with this liar, cheater, abuser. Yet... .

Yesterday I crumbled inside again when I saw them for a second time in two days when they pulled up at the shops a couple of cars in front of me and he jumped out to get the paper while she sat in the passenger seat and the dog was in the back. This was a normal morning routine for us and showed me she must be fully integrated and available to him (It was a work day. He doesn't work much now 'cos hes trying to get disability pension for an incident where he was king hit over 5 years ago - says he can't function - lies).  Then lastnight he texted sounding very final: "Thankyou so much for everything you & (daughter) have done in a heartfelt way! (The dog) and I are grateful for the love & consideration you both have extended to us. Following (the dog's) car hits your love and care will "never" be forgotten amongst many other delightful memories shared. Love ... .   and (the dog) xo x 100000 ps. Hope you are both well and happy" 

Does this text seem like a final goodbye? Can I have hope?

But ruminating, I decided to respond. I have put a text together but not sent it yet. I decided to post here instead. But I am so close to responding and I don't even get why I am putting so much energy into this. He has moved on - what I have been hoping him to do for a long time.

This is what I have drafted "Ah, the hooking the new woman is complete, it it? (Including victimhood, lies and sex so that she won't abandon you). (No being "slow" for you in a new relationship!) Using all the same words? (My heart loves your heart). And painted me black like you did all the exs to me? (My decent into stange behaviour was mirroring yours - poor you). Hopefully when the truth prevails she will be too hooked to leave you. Goodluck! xo x 100000 Ps. Obviously no apology seems necessary for the latest deceit and sudden unexplained withdrawal: "There is no one, ... . (my name)!"  You and your "no one" seemed pretty comfortable with each other.

Thoughts/words/support please? I am on the edge.  :'(

What do you mean here? Hope for what?

Look, my heart goes out to you.  I am having the same struggle that you are at this very moment.  But look back at your relationship.  And ask yourself if you would want to do it all over again.  If all the hurt was worth it.  OR, if you were pouring your love and respect into someone who wouldn't give it back.  And then ask yourself if THAT is the kind of relationship you want.

My dBPDex was my first love and first relationship.  And the idea that someone else could be my SO... . unthinkable for awhile.  But as others have mentioned, you need to have the mindset of thinking about ME, not US, going forward.  Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are constantly disrespected and made to question the "love" of your SO? Do you really think that is all you deserve or could have?


It's not.

You can do better.  And you will do better.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Well, it turns out that I COMPLETELY LOST MY GRIP! Might the INSANITY i went though all yesterday (particularly) be tied to  having hung around this guy for 2.5 years?  Has he brought out my insanity by his own insanity?

Firstly, I must point out I didn't read my own post properly before sending it and the "can I have hope" that I added after "does this text seem like a final goodbye?" was meaning: can I have hope that he will finally leave me in peace to heal? Not: can I have hope he will come back to me.

However, as I have said, I launched into INSANITY. I wish I could have waited to read all of your wise, supportive words... . You all had much better suggestions of what to do and what to think and how to handle this! :'(

I did respond with only part of my text "Obviously no apology seems necessary for the latest deceit and sudden unexplained withdrawal: "There is no one, ... . (my name)!"  You and your "no one" seemed pretty comfortable with each other." and I added to this "But I forgive you for all.xo x 100000" and I got back within half an hour "I forgive you too.xo x 100000 Ps. hope you are having a bit of fun as well! ;-)" (And, you know, "fun" means sex!)   Totally incapable of recognising apology is in order. This also really showed me he has moved on because had he not have his new 'sex toy', he would have offered the apology to pull me back in (which is how he has operated in the past when he has wanted me back - I now see - WORDS just to reel me back in and this text made that ALL SO OBVIOUS finally where I was blind before). Now he is unwilling to even admit his deceit. So then in my insanity I decide that, so I feel that I can move on now less painfully, there is one last thing to do. I wanted to just say “Goodbye” in person and make it simple yet final.  So yesterday afternoon I found him having a beer at his usual spot and approached the table. I stood next to him and he slowly looked up. He looked awful. He said in a low, slow monotone, emotionless, uninterested voice “This is not a good time ... . (my name)”, I said “oh well let me know when is because I want to say something” and I started backing away to leave as he shuffled in his chair. He then half nodded and added “Please just leave us alone” at which point I said “Oh, sorry, I did not know she was with you” as I scanned the table and chairs and noticed a red leather jacket hanging over one but there was not two drinks, only he had one, not her and she was nowhere in sight.  He said, again in same tone “Well you do now” as he got up and made to walk away (escaping into the gents away from me it turns out) but I had retreated anyway and I just said “oh well, I guess this is goodbye” and walked. He did not say another word just looked at me as I disappeared around the corner as he got near the gents door.  Funnily enough, and I have NO idea why, but I felt much better.  I think it may have given me (what I thought then) was finality and release. It was as if the whole thing had not been finalised before. And also I know I am looking pretty ok right now – not like he saw me a month ago when I was in a dark pit of despair and pressure and drinking, eating crap and not getting to the gym – I’ve lost weight, toned body and not drank at all, eating healthy etc – just a bit sleep deprived and sad looking but that was easily covered. He, as I said, looked in pain and awful and ugly.

Well today my neighbour saw him turn up and put some lovely mushrooms at my garage door (one of his cash jobs while swindling the govt for benefits is mushroom picking).  HUH? Why turn up at the garage door now with mushrooms when he has been promising to do this for 6 month and never did?

And then I got a text while I was in an appointment: "Mushrooms at back door for you. Enjoy. xo x 100000" and insanity took hold of me again so driving past his after my appointment I stopped, knowing he would be home and knowing she would not be there. This is only the SECOND time I have EVER turned up unannounced. (He would turn up at mine about 3 to 4 times PER WEEK unannounced! He was shutting his gate. Me: "Hi ... . (his name) is this a good time?" he appraises me while I stand there, silence, "yes" then we had interruption by his neighbour then he has some small talk about the mushrooms, while the dog (who run over to me) is lapping up my affections & then he says he has an appointment and must get ready and I add that I have to go anyway and that I only called in on my way past to say that I didn't really get to say what I wanted to say yesterday (a proper goodbye as I'm not sure he even heard on his retreat but I didn't want to do it then as the neighbour was still around) so I told him to let me know when was convenient. I took to leave. "Bye" I say. He starts following and says, come here, let me give you a hug. Me (Ms INSANE) stopped and received the hug. The neighbour is back and talking so hug stops. I say I am going and so neighbour leaves and he says "please don't turn up unannounced. I won't turn up at yours unannounced!" I add then, "well that would be a first" ('cos he had done it AGAIN this very day) and he said "from now on I won't turn up unannounced unless I have mushrooms" HUH? Then "so please don't turn up unannounced, ok?" I have heard enough so I add that the first time I every turned up unannounced was 'cos he shut me out and I thought he was lying and I take to leave again, turn and walk. He repeats "ok" I say "ok" he says "how are you?" I say "great, my life has really turned around" and put my thumb up still walking away. He says "you look good". I keep walking. He says "have you been having any fun?" (he means sex with other people) I just turn and look at him and keep walking. He says "that means yes", I said "that means nothing" and disappear around the corner.  Completely insane I know. I don't even really understand what I have done and why I feel better. Can some of you more knowledgeables explain so I can process please? I am sure I made grave mistakes today and I want to learn from them. 2.5 years is a long time to waste.

By the way, he looked better today, more alive, happy and himself. Why so different? Is it anything to do with him being with her yesterday when I turned up and then without her today when I turned up. Was it his fear I was going to sabotage his little outing with her?

I don't feel I need to see or respond to him again. I think I can start to move on (I hope?) Rosetiger I am going to watch Willow this weekend.

I know what it feels like to feel that the other woman is winning or how he's positioned himself to be the prize catch but the truth of who he is will always prevail in the end. But you have to step back and ask yourself if she's really winning? Is he some sort of prince of perfection? A knight in shining armor? Or is he the phony fake happy man you know him to truly be?

Yes, yes exactly.

I am hoping my decent into INSANITY has lifted now.

[Rose Tiger]

Also get Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea's Family Reunion.   

It does feel good to do something to avoid the pain for a bit, which is what you did.  It's not such a bad thing to take a break from grieving.  Believe me, I understand.  Except when you use him as a fix, because they are like meth cocaine to some of us, the hangover can be a bear.  There are better ways to self soothe when it gets so painful.  Catch up with friends, go to a dog park, make yourself a fabulous and healthy meal, those sorts of things.  Exercising is good because it releases those endorphins.  Think of ways to reward yourself for a day of NC, it is like quitting smoking.  Except when I go a day without cigarettes, guess what I want for a reward.  Same with the Ex, I didn't contact him at all, I should call him for a reward, ha ha, NO. The healing gets stalled with every contact.  Get through the rough part and you will be feeling better and better. 

[slimmiller]

He repeats "ok" I say "ok" he says "how are you?" I say "great, my life has really turned around" and put my thumb up still walking away. He says "you look good". I keep walking. He says "have you been having any fun?" (he means sex with other people) I just turn and look at him and keep walking. He says "that means yes", I said "that means nothing" and disappear around the corner.  Completely insane I know. I don't even really understand what I have done and why I feel better. Can some of you more knowledgeables explain so I can process please? I am sure I made grave mistakes today and I want to learn from them. 2.5 years is a long time to waste.

By the way, he looked better today, more alive, happy and himself. Why so different? Is it anything to do with him being with her yesterday when I turned up and then without her today when I turned up. Was it his fear I was going to sabotage his little outing with her?

I don't feel I need to see or respond to him again. I think I can start to move on (I hope?) Rosetiger I am going to watch Willow this weekend.

Yes, yes exactly.

I am hoping my decent into INSANITY has lifted now.

Good for you!  I think your above statment says a lot from where you were just a few days ago. I sincerely hope your feeling better is from you being able to have said your peace to him, NOT, the fact it appears to have been heard by him.

A bit of caution, my gut tells me his acknowledging you and your conversation to him have also helped. He is acting almost as a non would in a situation here but here is where I would be careful. It only takes him a split second to once again put your emotions under his feet as he has in the past. I think you are still pretty volnurable and just be very careful. (that is normal thinking btw and nothing wrong with that) Dont take his actions as the actions you will see going forward, regardless of what words he uses.

My instinct says when you ran into him out while he was having a drink and it was not a good time to talk... . She was with him but not having a drink right? That tells me things were not GOOD with them. The party is over and they were having it out. Meaning things are rocky which is exactly why a few days later he is being civil to you because in his mind, he has your attention again. He looks better and acts better because he is fishing again and is dangling the bait in front of YOU.  Thats why he asked if you are having any fun (sex). I hope Iam wrong but I think you need to be aware that this is a very good possibility and that should scare you more then anything right now. Plus he brought the mushrooms which he had promised 6 month ago... . He is not doing any of those things FOR you :'(

Are you ready if he pours on the charm full force and tries to 'snow' you again ?

Be strong but most of all be true to you and listen to your heart!

[bpdspell]

Drama!

No need to beat up on yourself for losing it. Your human. You are deeply hurt, feeling shattered, are in shock and disbelief and you feel rejected that he's choosing another woman over repairing what you've shared. Most of us who have been abandoned by Borderline males are devastated at their narcissistic callousness and lack of empathy. Their abandonment of us triggers such deep primal emotions of rejection that the hurt is bone deep and is probably rooted in our childhoods.

My therapists says that if your hysteric; its historic.

The mushrooms were about his guilt but honey he knows that you now see him for the train wreck that he truly is. It's only a matter of time before the new victim see the lies and the face that lives underneath the superficial mask. She is not winning. He is now her problem and he won't be "changed" with her.

My BPDexbf loved seeing me lose control of myself. He loved the back and forth, the texting terrorism and he loved the attention that triangulation (read definition) brought him. It made him feel special, wanted and desired and I suppose your ex isn't any different. It strokes their shallow egos.

The only thing that will give you back your power is to go NC. Take yourself off the roller coaster and surrender wanting to control the outcome. But you have to do it for you. Not to punish him. This man is a sick person. He does not  have the keys to your happiness. Your ticket to freedom is knowing this for sure.

[learningtowalkagain1]

Thanks bpspell for reminding me not to beat myself up. I really do think I have been a little insane over the past few days though - overloaded with the grief and my own abandonment issues.

The only thing that will give you back your power is to go NC. Take yourself off the roller coaster and surrender wanting to control the outcome. But you have to do it for you.

I had been wondering what would be my next best step.

Thanks for extra movies RoseTiger and reminders re self soothing.

And slimmiller, interesting observation re drinks at outing but I ended up just assuming that she had only just arrived  and taken herself to the ladies before getting drink (having arrived after work or whatever and met him there) and he had already been there as he lives walking distance from the place and her car was in the parking lot I noticed when I exited. He often used to get me to meet him like that, he start having his beers and I would join him when I was available to.

Anyway, pretty raw and lots of tears today, but haven't heard from him and haven't wanted to do a "drive by" so that is good. Perhaps me seeing him yesterday afternoon reminded him that he doesn't want/need me anymore and that he is happy in love with her so that he will leave me to heal now ('cos I really need to).

Any other suggestions/comments/ideas or interpretations on my insane period very welcome. It is all helping me get through this 'crippling' trauma.

[Octoberfest]

I feel your pain.

It is funny how we manage these things.  How we have good days and bad days.  Good hours and bad hours.  I did really well all day.  And now that it is night, when she and I spent the most time together (going to bed after a long day of school and work, it was our "us" time.  Almost a ritual), I keep looking at my phone kind of hoping it will buzz.  We are 2 hours apart, so there is no risk or possibility of anything of the sort happening again, and I really don't think I want it to, but the longing for what is familiar is there.

It is bizarre.  I long to be loved.

[ColoradoLady]

Someone wise once told me "silence is power."

I've had many times were I wanted to send a text or email in response to one of my exBPDbf's emails, but stopped myself and stayed silent.  I know it drives him crazy, but it's for the best to not take the chance of getting into a circular discussion or argument with him once again.

My daughter-in-law is an elementary school teacher.  She has told he me that he is acting like a child and having temper tantrums in his behavior or words.  My suggestion to you is to NOT give him any response, good or bad.  It will only give him the attention is is seeking, just like a child who acts out with bad behavior knowing they are provoking a parent and getting a response... . any response.

Does that make sense?

[ColoradoLady]

Thank you Rose Tiger for these wise words:

It is not safe to share your feelings with this person, who will drop your heart, stomp on it and say 'whoopsy'.  Don't share anything deep with this person. 

 

[Octoberfest]

Thank you Rose Tiger for these wise words:

It is not safe to share your feelings with this person, who will drop your heart, stomp on it and say 'whoopsy'.  Don't share anything deep with this person. 

 

What sage advice 


Seems a lot like something you come to in hindsight.  Of course we wish we wouldn't have gotten as close to these people as we did.  But we did.  We loved them.We cared for them. We did it with pure intentions in our hearts.  Not a shortcoming on our part that they were not able to match it.

[MammaMia]

Learningtowalk

I know you are sad and distressed, but this relationship is toxic. It is an emotional game of ping pong.

The best thing you can do is follow your namesake and "walk away" ... . stop all communication, contact, and most importantly, stop pursuing him.  You are only hurting yourself, and I suspect he is amused by your inability to let go.  He has moved on and so should you. 

I know that sounds harsh. However, you are giving him every opportunity to reject and humiliate you.  Look at what is happening to you.  What you are doing is not healthy.  Take control and end it gracefully, without a word.  You do not need his permission to leave.

[learningtowalkagain1]

MammaMia, of course you are right. As I have acknowledged here in this subject heading, "I think I am losing grip" and I can tell you, I am not one to lose grip. Very level headed. I remember in the early days of the relationship in the middle of the night he would whisper to me (always talked during the night and interrupted my sleep, I've put that in another post) and sometimes the content would be "don't every cross me 'ltwa'. If you do I will seek retribution on you tenfold so that you will feel that your life is not worth living" or "I will break your soul if you ever cross me" or "please don't every leave me because I will never let you go and I will always find you".

And now he has deserted me. And yes, I am blessed for that, and relieved. But somewhere primal and deep I am broken, damaged and shattered by the deceit around his desertion. The lies. The unfairness of him now having such a wonderful time on with his next relationship after rebuilding his life, in love, seeing her every day, completely social, careless in honeymoon period of love while I am seeking doctors appointments for my tachycardia, digestive issues, anxiety, inability to sleep/eat/concentrate/function etc. He lives on a main road walking distance from my house. When I passed tonight there is her car again plus another car. That is the third time I've seen a 3rd car there very recently always a different car. This guy has 2 friends and I know both their cars and these cars are not theirs. She comes into his life and suddenly there is entertaining galore. Urk. He never wanted anyone around with me. He wanted just me, no friends. I do not understand the social thing he is doing now.

Maybe I need to move. (I wish he would).

RoseTiger: "It is not safe to share your feelings with this person, who will drop your heart, stomp on it and say 'whoopsy'.  Don't share anything deep with this person." Too late I shared my whole soul. That is it though, no more sharing.

I am doing it tough this week, almost like a month has not passed since I found him with her. I was doing better until Sunday when I saw the "family integration" and something tipped inside me and I seem to have truly lost the plot since. STILL INSANE. ONE MONTH TOMORROW SINCE I FOUND HIM WITH HER! urk!

[MammaMia]

Walking

This man is just plain evil.  Who threatens the one they love in the middle of the night?  It is all about fear and control.  He knows exactly what he has done to you, and HE DOES NOT CARE.  You need to understand this.  YOU have made this man the center of your universe, and you are the only one who can make your life better without him.  Only you can say... . leave me alone so I can heal.  GO AWAY... . I DO NOT NEED YOU ANYMORE and mean it.

I am glad you are getting medical help and hope you are on anti-anxiety medication.  I also hope you have family and friends to help you through this.  Moving would probably help but is a drastic measure.  Close your blinds and stop watching cars and looking for signs he is still around.  You are making yourself sick.

Please be strong and take care of yourself.