Feeling so low today...

[Nearlybroken]

For some reason I feel very low today... . I don't know why but I have spent nearly all day thinking about the "good times" that we shared.I suspect now that the intensity of the relationship was down to expwBPD's BPD but I cannot get away from the fact that it WAS so great.We were meant to marry and do all of the normal things that couples do.It sounds silly but I am mourning the past, hating  the present and scared for the future.He was such a huge part of my life for so long and I loved him so much  and I think I am scared to be without him.I still do love him but just couldn't go on.It doesn't help that he blames me and is painting me black to all that will listen.I feel very very alone and saddened by the fact that his condition and the way it manifests  has "silenced" me from telling people the truth.I still feel utterly trapped by him... . I know it hasn't been that long since we split but today I miss him.Today, I walked in the park where we used to go right at the start of our relationship.I swear I got "flashbacks" to really good times... . ended up a weeping mess.This is hard.I have never ever been through anything like this (before and after the split) and reaaly don't think I will ever get over what has happened to me.Sorry for the self pity but I just feel so very upset and wretched today :'( :'( :'(

[connect]

I am so sorry that you feel like this and have been having such a low day. Sending you hugs and good wishes   

[marbleloser]

This is normal Nb.The truth is,there were good times and there's nothing wrong with remembering them as a fond memory.Him being a "huge part of your life" will take some time to get over and crying is a good thing.You're processing your grief.

[tailspin]

Nearlybroken,

I'm sorry you are hurting and I remember feeling the exact same way.  It's almost as if you need to remember all the good/great times because it will make you cry... . and tears are designed to cleanse. 

The good/great times were real, but they were not representative of your relationship with your expwBPD.  Those memories reflect the fantasy you both shared, and while you shared them, life was great.  Unfortunately, fantasies cannot last, and every one of these relationships has an expiration date. 

Perhaps it will help you let these memories go if you put them in context; that is, try to remember the not so great times too.  If you can find a balance between seeing all the good and seeing all the bad, it will help.  Eventually, you will be able to see both sides of your partner, and the memories you're experiencing right now won't make you cry. 

Tears seem to be a currency and the price you pay for clarity.

tailspin

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you for your comments.I don't know why (as I am fully aware of the abuse that he put me through) but I am sort of pining for him today.I think it hasn't been helped by the fact that I know he has moved on ( I would like to say in record time but I suspect he cheated with her), everyone seems just to expect me to get over it, nothing seems to have changed for anyone except me etc.I am also worried about losing my house ,which is not helping my emotional state.Why oh why did I ever think I could help him?Why did I stay so long?

[tailspin]

nearly,

We stay so long because we are giving the love we so deeply wish to receive.  

The love you give is the love you get, right?  Not always, and when your partner is mentally ill?  Never.  

Wheather he has moved on, is in a mental institution, engaged after 2-weeks, is going to marry your best friend, or trying to contact you again... . the advice remains the same.  Take care of you.  And ask yourself why you feel so compelled to rescue anyone other than yourself.

tailspin

[marbleloser]

"but I am sort of pining for him today"

I know for myself,I was missing the feeling I had of being loved and wanted.It was something missing in me that she filled.Something I needed to feel for myself,but instead,searched for it in another.When we do that,we give our own value and worth to another,and if/when they move on,we feel as though we mean very little.

We also miss the good times,because they were truly good and made us feel good.We tend to reduce the significance of the bad and focus on the good.It helped me to make a list of good and bad.When I was done,the bad far outweighed the good.