I think we're finally over.

[JaneRain]

It's been a very hard and emotionally devastating relationship, but yesterday he came to break up with me, then once he saw me he cracked down like a baby, I slept with him and held him and loved him that night, and in the morning, he dropped me off, he was cuddly and happy, and then he calls me to break up with me yet again, saying we have no physical chemistry. "We aren't meant to be". "Hes too young". Idk. He was manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive to me, he cheated on me, played with my head and emotions, and there's a little boy inside of him that is ashamed of these things and he wants help, but it's like a crazy man breaks through and attacks me. So I called him once last time before he went to work and told him off, and hung up. He'll likely never call me again, I think. I was always the one who chased him and pleaded for him back because my love for him was bulletproof. But he shot me.

How can someone, so early, move so quickly with you, saying "I want to marry you. I love you. We're meant to be. Do you love me? I'm in love with you. I would never break your heart. I could never." and because it was early I said "I'm not sure yet. It's very soon" and he acted like I was absurd. Months later, when I WAS in LOVE with him and did EVERYTHING for him, he tells me I'm moving too fast? That he doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know if he likes me anymore. He wants to be sex buddies. I'M seeing other people behind his back (even though HE cheated on ME!). I've been through hell. I've taken myself off social media completely because I don't want to see him happy with anyone else. I even destroyed my phone. It kills me. I'm drained. I'm tired. I wish I could be euthanized. I don't have anyone who loves me. No family, no friends. I literally have no one. I'm pathetic. I have no more self-esteem, which took me a year to build up after finally moving on from my Clinical Depression of SIX years. I'm back to rock bottom. How do I move on from this? I'm terrified of love. I don't want to talk to other people. I don't want to date. Because they're all the same. This man was PERFECT. PERFECT. And he destroyed me. I can't trust anyone. I want to be alone forever. I really honestly don't think I'll ever be in another relationship until I'm 35. (I'm 20).

[Findingmysong723]

We all understand what your going through, and I'm sorry to hear how much he hurt you! Just remember you are a valuable person even if you don't feel like it right now, after the fog of this relationship starts to fade you'll see what you're all about! Your not alone, we are all here to support you through this!

[First19]

I'm right there with you.  I'm 19 and he was the first guy I had ever dated.  I'm hesitant to date now too, but I can tell you it's been over 3 months since we ended and it does get easier.  You will still have bad days, but the good ones will start to outnumber the bad ones.

[SeaStar]

Oh, honey, hang in there.  . I know you are still hurting a lot right now but please believe that things will get better and believe in yourself.

I fell in love with my now husband (unBPD) when I was 20 and have been with him for 12 years. Run away from this man and never look back! I was also confused by the little boy inside in need of help (you put that very well, EXACTLY how my husband is). From someone who convinced my unBPD to stay, you are so lucky he is gone. Getting him to stay was the biggest mistake of my life. 

Be strong and take care of yourself. You will be ok. I know it is super hard because they present this perfect dream where everything seems possible, just remember that is not real.

[DeltaAlpha]

Kelseyrain,

There are many here who have felt the same way as you do. Many have suffered a relationship loss as you.

Please keep in mind:

It wasn't you that masqueraded as someone else. It was him!

It is wasn't you that ruined your relationship. It was him!

Healing will take time, so please allow it to happen and give yourself permission to heal.  Allow yourself one day at a time to recover from this. It hurts like hell now, but you can survive this!. Don't be afraid to get help- whether it's from this board, a good therapist, family and friends or ALL of the aforementioned.

With help, I finally emerged from the hell my BPDgf put me in and I want you to also.

Hugs to you!

[MarcinN7]

Hang in there   it will get better i promise  

Dont be so sure he was Perfect and that you knew him at all. When they meet someone who they would like to be with they hide their true self out of fear because they find themselves unloveable. They show you what you want and what you like - mirror you which is what hooks you, you think you found you soulmate who Has similar intrests ways of thinking, morals etc. But its only a mas they create because they are afraid to show their true selves out of fear of us abandoning them.

My exgf of 8yrs with BPD/avpd liked mirred me, liked what i liked, took on similar views on Life, became an atheist like me - i never told Her she should be one etc. This made me feel like i found the one and i fought through so much hit. The constant pushpulls for many years and other hit blaming this on pms, contraceptive pills, stress at work, even on the fact that she is a girl, since Many people joke that girls are crazy.

Then when she could not push me anymore rationally because ive done much for Her, like paying Her debt etc. She started to bend the reality around Her, feeling that i didnt Love Her.

She started seeing another Guy and eventually started cheating on me i found about it some Time later. But during Her affair she suddenly started to like jazz, whisky etc. Even things she didnt like earlier. But she was just mirroring the New Guy. A Guy 3yrs younger Then Her, he Has clinical shizophremia and bipolar disorder and was admitted several Times by ambulance to the psychiatric hospital because of his attacks. It lasted right up to his First attack she witnessed and an ambulance Has taken him and she was abandoned by Her New lover in that way .

The next person that he charms will think he is Perfect also. But not because of what he is but because of that false self he will show to the other person. The fake persona he thinks cannot be abandoned.

[Octoberfest]

It is interesting to see so many other people my age on here, dealing with the fallout of these relationships.

I wish there were an easy answer.  I really do.  Unfortunately, dealing with pwBPD and the relationships we have with them has proved to be one of the most illogical and confusing things that I have ever experienced.  Very little is as it seems, and it is made worse by the fact that the things we are "wrong" about are feelings of love.

My BPDex was the first person I ever dated too. First one I ever fell in love with as well.

I finally let myself cry last night... . I had been holding it in for so long.  And it was incredibly healing.  I got a sense of calm I haven't had in eons.  I felt better afterwards last night and most of today... . I am slipping back into that dark place as I type this.  I don't think I am done crying.

I guess I am saying don't bottle it in.  It will slowly kill us from the inside if we do.

[MarcinN7]

Octoberfest

Surely we cannot repress our feelings, we already put up with too much during the rs. We have to let it all out and better even more because we surely have childhood baggage which makes us stay in the rs even with all the red flags. The book "the drama of the gifted child" is a Great read.

She was also my First Long term rs, First sex for Her and for me. Im 27 now.

I dont think that we were wrong in our feeling of Love. Its just that we fallen in Love with a mask someone Has put on to masterfully decieve us with no ill intent at the beggining, just out of fear of abandonment. But this is all fake, the rs is fake, there can be no trust, the BPD oerson Has to continue the lies which are just piling up. And the moment when its too much work to keep up with all the fake stories they often look elsewhere to start over without so much pressure.

I also think we often decieve ourselves - it will get better, she/he will change if we Love them enough. So we push ourselves into loving them even when their bad behaviour starts. This is also the result of our Deep need for Love and understanding which i think we were deprived at our childhood - thisnis why we stay Long with a person which cannot Love us back, its familiar "love" from our childhood.

[flowergnome]

Kelsey,

He may have seemed perfect, but he sure wasn't if he treated you like that!  You deserve better.  It seems like you will never want to date again or ever meet anyone again but you will.  For now just focus on you- take care of yourself, get nice clothes, go out for fancy lattes, do whatever makes you happy.  Time heals all wounds.  It will get better.  Also know you have the support of this community, even if there's no one you can talk to about this off the internet. 

<3 Flowergnome

[Octoberfest]

Octoberfest

Surely we cannot repress our feelings, we already put up with too much during the rs. We have to let it all out and better even more because we surely have childhood baggage which makes us stay in the rs even with all the red flags. The book "the drama of the gifted child" is a Great read.

She was also my First Long term rs, First sex for Her and for me. Im 27 now.

I dont think that we were wrong in our feeling of Love. Its just that we fallen in Love with a mask someone Has put on to masterfully decieve us with no ill intent at the beggining, just out of fear of abandonment. But this is all fake, the rs is fake, there can be no trust, the BPD oerson Has to continue the lies which are just piling up. And the moment when its too much work to keep up with all the fake stories they often look elsewhere to start over without so much pressure.

I also think we often decieve ourselves - it will get better, she/he will change if we Love them enough. So we push ourselves into loving them even when their bad behaviour starts. This is also the result of our Deep need for Love and understanding which i think we were deprived at our childhood - thisnis why we stay Long with a person which cannot Love us back, its familiar "love" from our childhood.

I wasn't making the point that we were wrong to fall in love... . I meant that we were misguided in how we saw and took those feelings of love.  That their source wasn't what we thought it was.

And yes, I DEFINITELY agree with your last point.  I did deceive myself into thinking that I, ME, could make it better, if I did something different.  And certainly, I did have room to clean my act up and treat her better, but even if I were an angel, it wouldn't "fix" things.  I did keep going back after getting walked on all the time.

I don't know that I totally agree with the childhood trauma/ lack of love in childhood angle.  In doing some thinking about it, I came from a stable family.  Open, supportive parents. No divorce.  No trauma.  I HAVE always had a deep longing for a connection with people.  To have a group of friends I could trust implicitly, I could rely on, who would have my back.  And I think I filled that need with my BPDex. I guess the point I am making is that while I may have that need or want, it doesn't have to have stemmed from something wrong with ones childhood