One of those days in which the sadness creeps in

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been a year of NC! I've been so busy I feel as if I repressed the whole accepting and moving on at times. I have wonderful days but somedays, I actually feel WORSE! than I did the first few months of nc. It's little things here and there that I unfortunately catch wind of down the grapevine about my BPDex, through friends,  who really do not know the real story. I've read so much about BPD that I don't want to anymore. It hurts to know they're prancing around- having fun, having sex and I'm all but a mere distant object. Has anymore felt this intermittent sadness? Anger? Self loathing even?

My family members told me the other day that they STILL all make small talk via social networking sites (they we never close to begin with) for some reason that sent me into a sort of funk.

[Deleted]

It's been a year of NC! I've been so busy I feel as if I repressed the whole accepting and moving on at times. I have wonderful days but somedays, I actually feel WORSE! than I did the first few months of nc. It's little things here and there that I unfortunately catch wind of down the grapevine about my BPDex, through friends,  who really do not know the real story. I've read so much about BPD that I don't want to anymore. It hurts to know they're prancing around- having fun, having sex and I'm all but a mere distant object. Has anymore felt this intermittent sadness? Anger? Self loathing even?

My family members told me the other day that they STILL all make small talk via social networking sites (they we never close to begin with) for some reason that sent me into a sort of funk.

[Deleted]

I might add, I'm petrified of looking at Facebook or any site. I know it's irrational to think that they are all better now and their new relationship is FANTASTIC! is but to see my BPD ex happy as if nothing is going on, man, it would eat me up. I haven't for checked my BPDex fb in Over a year. I feel that by going NC any gossip, picture, any thing dealing with her would turn me upside down. I haven't touched that nerve in over a year. At least, that's what I'm scared of. Just one of those days

[bpdspell]

It hurts to know they're prancing around- having fun, having sex and I'm all but a mere distant object. Has anymore felt this intermittent sadness? Anger? Self loathing even?

That's the thing. If they are truly BPD they aren't prancing around and having fun. They're constantly on the lookout for someone, anyone who will fill the void of their shame, abandonment pain and emptiness. They are looking for unconditional love (like we were) in the wrong places. With every relationship experience the emptiness only deepens, the acting out behavior worsens and their emotional pain deepens as the black vortex that it is. They aren't happy. Far from it. They are master's at wearing the mask but truly hate themselves on the inside. There's a self-loathing that lives in them than you can't even begin to imagine. This is why they often abuse by self-soothing with drugs, alcohol and sex trying to run on a treadmill with no power.

This is their reality for they are truly suffering.

We give them too much superhuman power. They are broken tortured souls and I wouldn't wish their pain on my worst enemy.

There is a huge misconception that they do not suffer... . that they don't live the consequences of their actions... . but that is simply no true.

You my friend are no object unless you believe you're one. Your heart may have been broken but you can put your life back together; most BPD's cannot (because recovery work is tough as nails... . ) and will play the pretend game of "fake happy" at a high price. They pay with their lives.

If we detach we have a chance at REAL happiness by giving ourselves unconditional love, validation and forgiveness.  We wanted these things from deeply flawed and truly sick human beings.

[Deleted]

Thank for you this,

I know they're empty and miserable and its sucks! I wished so many times I could just remove the pain but I couldn't. It's their job not mine. I just get stupid sometimes whenever I hear about the "fun, happy, new life".  I freeze a bit and jump to irrational conclusions but they do have such a powerful way to convey their mask of "happiness" to others.

[Validation78]

Dear D!

I can understand why you feel the way you do, especially about hearing through your friends or family, how your ex is doing! You have tremendous discipline, not to check social media for updates, and a real finger on the pulse of what triggers you, and know better to avoid it. That's hard, and kudos for doing it!

I told my friends outright, if you want to stay "friends" on facebook, that's your business. I just don't want to hear about anything, and I expect you to keep my life off limits in any conversation with him. They all told me that they would un-friend him, and/or respect my wishes.

Yes, you are right, pwBPD have quite a way of masking their misery to most of the world. The thing is, we who were close to them know the truth. Not that we should relish in their pain, yet we can use it as a reminder when we feel our own in response to their "perfect" life after our departure!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Deleted]

Val 78,

Thank you and yes! I can't help but to act stupid when I hear how wonderful or how much fun they're having.  Then again, her fb page with the 200 photos of us laughing hugging smiling would make anyone think that we were the perfect couple , little did they know the many storms that had pasted and that many that were brewing. Yet it still does hurt. It's a primitive reaction I guess? Anyways thanks!